Thanks to Lyric Contest judge Alexis Tapp for her comments.
SEMIFINALISTS
BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
The Last Song by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX
WINNERS
1st Place: The Last Song by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX
They gathered in a circle – the children sat amazed
Broken by the giant hearth which flickered in their gaze…
Within their midst a figure – with pain he slowly spoke
As firelight changed his features, half covered by his cloak…
He spoke of times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
His words drew great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
And through the night they listened – so many things they learned
Until the Old Man faltered, and to them all he turned…
“My dear and lovely children…in life be always strong
Remember Truths I’ve told you…and keep the Right from Wrong.”
"But now my time has ended", he whispered with a sigh,
"My wish is that you'll join with me to sing - a last goodbye…."
Their fragile hearts were broken – they’d loved him so for years
But sing they did the last goodbye while fighting little tears.
The song was something special he’d taught them long ago,
And as they sang the embers dimmed, and wind began to blow…
While in the second stanza, the Old Man settled down;
And as the ember turned to ash, they stopped without a sound…
He’d gone before the ending – and they began to cry…
They loved the Old Man dearly and hoped to say goodbye…
The room was cold and silent; and time had frozen still –
The children’s hearts were empty where once his love had filled.
Without a kiss and warm farewell as they had known before,
The children slowly gathered, and pulled upon the door –
But as it slowly opened, and light rays splashed around
They heard a thunderous chorus of a well familiar sound!
It seemed the woods were singing the stanza left unsung…
The song that they had ended, had only just begun…
They remembered times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
They saw the great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
Now standing in the doorway, they felt his warm goodbye.
And knew he’d live forever - as the flicker in their eyes…
I wouldn’t change a thing. Wonderfully told story. Thank you for your submission into the DSA Lyric Contest,
and congratulations on taking first place. I hope to see more from you.
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp
2nd Place: THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
She introduced me to the world,
Made me feel I was enough.
Before she knew who I might be
I was her first true love
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, my life still undefined.
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, she was She’s the first one who held mine.
I’d consider writing a hooky 3rd line to have a consistent, meaningful line in all the choruses like:
“I was her first love and she was mine, and I’ll love her for all time.”
She watched my first steps from a crawl.
Read me books of make believe.
Each night with folded hands we’d pray
Our “lay me downs to sleep.”
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, I’d look up to her and shine.
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
I rolled my eyes, distanced myself, “and pulled away”. You lost meter in this line. I suggest fixing that.
As much as I thought I could, This line doesn’t add to the story. I suggest trying to find something better.
Her love was unconditional,
Even when Though I felt she never understood. You lost your meter again. This is your weakest stanza.
Example: “Even when I felt misunderstood.”
I’m barely (the word gently is prettier) touching Mom’s hand, many at times I crossed the line. meter
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand, yet she’s she was the first one who held mine.
(or “yet she’s the one who first held mine”.)
If you use “my Mom”, it keeps the 2 syllable needed to mimmick the cadence of the other choruses.
It’s my time to embrace take her hand,
And raise her up if she should fall.
I’ll be her guide and help her stand.
She (My mother) is my first love after all.
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand, our hearts always intwined.
I’ll forever hold my Mother ‘s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand,
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand,
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand,
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand,
She was the first one who held mine.
Thank you for your submission and congratulations on second place in the DSA Monthly Lyric.
Comments from your lyric judge: Alexis Tapp
3rd Place: BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1 RED HAIR DANCED ACROSS HER FACE LIKE FIRE Through BURNING TREES. Fixes meter
RIPS AND HOLES IN FADED JEANS JUST ADDED TO THE TEASE
I PICKED UP THE HITCH HIKING TEEN WE RODE SILENT FOR A WHILE
Picked up the teens, hitch-hiking. Rode silent for a while. Fixes rhythm of the line by rearranging words.
SHE LOOKED LOST IN THOUGHT THEN I SAW A LITTLE SMILE.
V-2 I ASKED WHAT’S YOUR NAME BUT SHE DIDN’T SAY A WORD
THEN she TURNED & LOOKED AT ME SAID THE SWEETEST THING I’VE HEARD
BECAUSE YOU RESCUED ME I’LL LEAVE MY NEW NAME UP TO YOU
I’M RUNNING FROM A BROKEN LIFE I NEED TO START ANEW. I’d switch lines 3 & 4.
CHORUS: WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
V-3 THAT’S A GREAT NAME SHE SAID I LIKE IT A LOT. This line is short and meter’s off.
NOW MY NAME IS BLUE AND THAT NAME IS ALL I GOT ?
MY PAST WON’T EVER FIND ME NOW I DIDN’T LEAVE A CLUE
AND IF ANYONE TRIES THEY WON’T BE LOOKING FOR BLUE
V-3 SHE SAID YOU CAN DROP ME OFF HERE THIS LOOKS LIKE A NICE TOWN
I OFFERED TO STOP AND HELP HER LOOK AROUND. short
NO YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH FOR ME OH AND THANKS so much AGAIN
SHE SMILED WHEN I SAID my GOODBYEs AND WAVED TO MY NEW FRIEND
BRIDGE: SHE SAID IT’S TIME FOR ME AND MY NEW START I HAVE A LOT TO DO
She said it’s time for my new start. I have a lot to do.
AND IF I EVER HAVE A SON I MIGHT NAME HIM AFTER YOU
CHORUS: WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
Congratulations on third place in the lyric contest.
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp.
4th Place: FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1 THE AD SAID FREE PIANO IT’S YOURS TO TAKE AWAY
I WAS NO MUSICIAN MAYBE I COULD LEARN TO PLAY
THE PIANO RESTED ON THE SECOND FLOOR HAD BEEN THERE FOR YEARS
AS THE MOVERS ROLLED IT OUT THE DOOR THE MAN BROKE DOWN IN TEARS
V-2 I SHOOK HIS KNARLED HAND HE SAID I’LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN
HE HANDED ME A LEARNERS BOOK SAID GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND
THE PIANO OLD AND SCRATCHED STAINED FROM FOOD AND DRINKS
BUT TO ME IT WAS BEAUTIFUL I WOULDN’T CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS
This last line is too long and meter doesn’t work. See what you can do to reword it.
CH: I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG
WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
V-3 I ENJOYED IT FOR MANY YEARS NOW MY HANDS SHAKE TOO MUCH TO PLAY.
Cut it down, maybe simply “won’t”
IT BROKE MY HEART TO THINK IT BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE IT AWAY. “I had”
I PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER SAID FREE PIANO FOR ANYONE
A YOUNG MAN CAME TO GET IT SAID PLAYING MIGHT BE FUN
V-4 I GAVE HIM THE OLD LEARNERS BOOK WITH MY NOTES FOLDED INSIDE
FORCED A CROOKED SMILE TO COVER TEARS I HAD TO HIDE
AS HE WHEELED IT OUT THE DOOR I TURNED AROUND TO SEE
A SMILING YOUNG FACE IN THE MIRROR OR WAS THAT Young Man REALLY ME
CH: I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG
WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
(WE ALL SANG LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE JUST GLAD WE’RE HERE)
I love complete sentences in most writing, but in songs, it often helps meter and simplifies what the listener must understand, if we cut some extraneous wording. I’ve offered some ideas about “cutting the fat”. Of course, if you have composed music for this lyric, you may be singing it, squeezing in the words, but if your work is put before a publisher, it would be nice for the meter of each line to be smooth and obvious. Meter needs to be given importance in our writing, even if we have to write and rewrite and rewrite to get there. Count stresses and syllables in each line to create a better crafted lyric. Thank you for your submission. I liked your story and offer the above as encouragement to perfect your craft.
Comments from your lyric judge: Alexis Tapp
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