LC2020 - Spring Winners
Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for the comments
SEMIFINALISTS
The Balladeer by Mark Patterson, Plano, Tx
Everything Whiskey Can’t Do by Ross Miller, Newton, MA
Never Feed a Stray by Ross Miller, Newton, MA
Dry Bones by Ross Miller, Michael Branden & Ann Ammar, Newton, MA
My Better Self by Ross Miller, Newton, MA
WINNERS
First Place. The Balladeer by Mark Patterson, Plano, Tx
(Good, original story but with little mention of title.
Continue to work on meter and read aloud multiple times to hear how the words sound together and how the lines flow and make corrections accordingly. Your lyric will also present better if you label each section of the song for Verse and chorus. The lyric should be given a good cleaning up for the things I’ve mentioned. I enjoyed your little journey and believe it deserves the extra effort to make it its best.)
Wonderful First Verse.
He was ten years out of Huntsville. (Good verse)
I was working at the stockyard
He had songs you’d swear you lived through
And they * had a common theme
Between the headlights and the footlights
His face became a road map
* With a voice like vintage leather. (Very good last 2 lines.)
And every night he is redeemed
Chorus: (Good descriptive chorus.)
I close my eyes and the balladeer
Sets my mind to wonderin’
How can such a simple song
Run your heart right through?
I tip my hat to the troubadours
For the soundtrack of a lifetime
Once the balladeers are gone, (This change bring the title in again.)
A part of us goes too.
He’ll play on your heart strings.
His words will bring the tear drops
*Tell me you can’t feel the weight
Of that lonesome serenade
I’m not sure even he knows
Just how deep the scars run
But they’re as deep as the desolation
That’s a balladeer’s stock in trade
I close my eyes and the balladeer
Sets my mind to wonderin’
How can such a simple song
Run your heart right through?
I tip my hat to the troubadours
For the soundtrack of a lifetime
Once the balladeers are gone.
A part of us goes too.
(Wondering if this the bridge?
When the big wheels they stop turning
And the rails have rusted over.
When the fire and rain * leave Memphis
(And the angels have all gone (This is smoother.)
There’ll be nothing left to yearn for
And no one’s left to * ask
How could a man be so loved. (These last 2 lines are insightful. And set the tone.))
Yet feel so all alone?
I close my eyes and the balladeer
Sets my mind to wonderin’
How can such a simple song
Run your heart right through?
I tip my hat to the troubadours
For the soundtrack of a lifetime
Once the balladeers are gone.
A part of us goes too
Second Place`. Everything Whiskey Can’t Do by Ross Miller, Newton, MA
Such a good title as well as good use of the title in the chorus as your hook. (I’m not sure your first two lines give the lyric it’s best introduction. I would consider a different metaphor to support an otherwise direct story. It feels like a country song, so look for something that would draw in that listener. It is very helpful to label each section of the lyric as well and this also gives your lyric a professional presentation. I’ve made a few suggestions to tighten up the flow of the words. This has promise. I would enjoy seeing it entered again after a bit more work.)
Sometimes I feel like a torn, rumpled shirt
Forgotten in the lost and found
Living with an aching hole in my heart.
Wondering when the right one will finally come around
(Instead of using the word habits referring to picking a mate, perhaps use the word choices.)
I’ve made real bad choices
To get me through the night
Now all I want’s a smile.
From someone who’ll hold me tight
She’ll hear the pain in my silence
She’ll know what’s false …* or truth
She’ll heal my wounds with * desire
Everything whiskey can’t do
How will I know who she is?
I’ve never found true love before (Keeps your story clearer.)
Is our love * meant to be? (Add to improve flow.)
If only I knew what’s in store
But If I ever find her . . .
She’ll hear the pain in my silence
She’ll know what’s false …* what’s true
She’ll heal my wounds with *desire
Everything whiskey can’t do
(Is this the bridge?)
Lord, tell me it’s going to be all right
That my heart will be whole * again
Tell me, someday, I’ll find the love of my life. (Add to improve flow.)
My lover, my lady, my friend
She’ll hear the pain in my silence
She’ll know what’s false …* or true
She’ll heal my wounds with * desire
Everything whiskey can’t do
She’ll heal my wounds, with * desire
Everything whiskey can’t do
Everything whiskey can’t do
Third Place. Never Feed a Stray by Ross Miller, Newton, MA
It is helpful to label the sections of your lyrics for a professional presentation and to help the reader. This is a pretty, clever lyric.
The following suggestions are to help with flow, meter, cadence, and clarity. You’ve written a clever chorus, comparison, and title. This could use the additional work but will be worth the effort. I would like to see you work on it a bit more and resubmit it to the Lyric Contest.
Here he comes again, scratching at my door
Like that old stray cat I kicked out twice before
* He’s still got those sexy bad-boy eyes
But, damn, he tell some lies.
(This is a good beginning verse, but it was too long and didn’t flow. My suggestion above is for proper flow and to tighten it up.)
Why do I keep falling for him every single time?
Why’s he under my skin…drive me out of my mind?
Why do I let him in and why do I let him stay?
I guess I haven’t learned the rule, “Never feed a stray.”
Something must be wrong with me (Catchy with good meter.)
He always gets his way
What’s true for cats is true for men
Never feed a stray
* Once you open that door, they pussyfoot right in
Then you lie there every night wondering if he’ll leave again.
And if he stays, you’ll wonder where your cat’s been.
No matter how it goes, it’s a game you can’t win
Something must be wrong with me
He always gets his way
What’s true for cats is true for men
Never feed a stray
(Is this your bridge? If not, it would make a good bridge.)
My life’s become a flashback
Yeo, I’ve been here * before
Still, I fill the saucer with my milk.
And place it by the * back door
Something must be wrong with me
He always gets his way
What’s true for cats is true for men
Never feed a stray
Never feed a stray
Don’t ever . . . feed a stray.
Fourth Place. Dry Bones by Ross Miller, Michael Branden & Ann Ammar, Newton, MA
(Very good beginning. Are the first four lines the chorus? It is very helpful to provide labels for each section of the lyric and this also presents your lyric with a more professional presentation. Your first four lines are wonderful. Your structure needs some additional work, but the first lines make it worth the effort. Please work on this further and resubmit it.
The native sons are crying.
On the winds of desolation.
As the spirits of their fathers
See destruction of their nation
* Wild horses thunderiin the distance
*Fires blow smoke upon the wind
We call * spirits to strengthen our resistance
*But no one is listening, the pain will never end
(The last 2 lines of the chorus needs tightening up.)
(Is this a bridge? )
Money, greed and power. Endless fences.
Separate us from our* honor and tradition.
* Wild horses thundering in the distance
*Fires blow smoke upon the wind
We call * spirits to strengthen our resistance
*But no one is listening, the pain will never end
The snowy owl speaks his wisdom from the tree
Saying, “Nothing’s made better by man’’s greed.”
Once * a paradise of family and homes
Now, iit’s just a wasteland of dry and dusty bones
* Wild horses thundering in the distance
*Fires blow smoke upon the wind
We call * spirits to strengthen our resistance
Until someone is listening, the pain will never end
Until someone is listening, the pain will never end.
(The title should match the lyrics: if you’re calling it Dry Bones, I suggest you take dusty out of the lyric…or, perhaps, retitle it Dry and Dusty Bones. IIenjoyed your lyric idea.and would like to see you tighten it up, possibly using my suggestions, to make it flow better.)
Fifth Place. My Better Self by Ross Miller, Newton, MA
I better quit gambling; I might * lose the rent. (Suggestion for flow.)
I need to hold back my anger when I wanna vent
Don’t be kicking the dog. Don’t be slamming the door. (This line didn’t flow well.)
*I shouldn’t keep drinking, but * sober’s * a bore
Once I lived * in color, but now life is gray.
I used to have * friends; now they stay away
*Seems like my bad habits have made me a fool
The devil’s sits at the bar, * offering me my own stool .
Chorus 1:
Dear Lord, introduce me to who I should be.
* Sometimes I get wasted, so bad * I can’t see
*The real me is in here, but I feel like someone else. (Flow problem.)
I wonder if I’ll ever find, my better self (Good line & use of title/hook))
(Re chorus: The second is pretty good, and the last line is very good, but the other two lines of the chorus need tightened up. Reword to be stronger.)
(Rewrork lines 1 & 2. It doesn’t move the story and “haunted?”
I used to have the * touch, got everything I wanted
Now it’s just the opposite; it’s almost like I’m haunted
Some nights I lie in bed and think of the past
Some nights I lie there wondering if my liver’s gonna last
Repeat Chorus 1. (Consider: my better, sober self as your hook as it’s more in keeping with your topic.)
Bridge: I’ll never find the answers, while I’m in this drunken daze
I gotta find the exit, from this smoky barroom haze
Chorus 2: Dear Lord, re-introduce me, to the man I used to be
I regret those years I wasted. I was blind, but now I see
I know the real me is up there somewhere, hidden on the shelf
This time I know I’ll find, my better self
Label your Verses, Choruses, and Bridge. I suggest you work on meter and cadence, and think about how each line interacts with the ones around it and if they make sense together to move the story. Think: would you say this if you were talking to someone?
ADDITIONAL COMMENTS
Should You? Ross Miller, Newton, MA
Should you have given me all that I wanted
And loved me without holding back?
Should you have taken me, body and soul
Making everyone else fade to black?
Should you have told me it’s too good to last
That one bitter day it could end?
Should you have warned my innocent heart
That this time my heart might not mend
Should you have said that?
Should you have done that?
Should You?
Should you?
Should I have told you all of my dreams,
That I dream of you?
Should you have smiled, nodding your head
As though you were dreaming them too?
(My suggestions are to tighten up the lyric for a smoother flow.)
Should you have said that?
Should you have done that?
Should You?
Should you?
Should I have seen you for just who you were?
But then again, love is blind
A kiss and run lover, you left me behind
Like a discarded valentine
Should you?
Should you?
Should you have given me all that I wanted
And loved me without holding back?
I suggest you continue to edit this lyric. It has potential. Thank you for your submission. I look forward to more from you.
I’m In A Terminal State Of Mind by Andre Kerek, Miami, FL
1st Verse
I look at the street there is no crowd
I’m drifting like a lonely cloud
The chemo is gone I’m low on food
Another day in solitude
2nd Verse
A plague has left many in pain
Too many people crying in vain
My chest feels tight I’m almost done
If I could just stroll in the sun
Chorus
Come here and open the blind
I’m in a terminal state of mind
Come bring me gentle and kind
I’m in a terminal state of mind
(This is a good chorus. Concise. To the point. And it has your title and hook. My suggestions here are for flow of the words.)
3rd Verse
There’s an angry mob marching in arms
Shouting for change setting off alarms
Emotions are high …the scars running deep
With nights falling in to uneasy sleep.
Chorus
4th Verse
In other lands they’re talking of war
Rattling their sabre’s outside their door
I fear their hearts are void of gladness
Driving the world to the brink of madness
Chorus
I understand your message, and I feel that your lyric deserves a little more work. Your chorus, title, and hook stand up. The verses could use some work. Try not to rhyme for the sake of rhyming. Think more about what your message is and whether there is some other way to get that message across differently. Please continue to work on this lyric. It is timely, and I would enjoy seeing it again in this contest, but work on it to give it its best shot.
JUST TO KEEP BREATHIN’ by Michael RJ Roth, Rio Rancho, NM
She’s got a steady job down at Probation and Parole
She got out of high school maybe twenty years ago
The girlfriends she knew then are all married off
Except * one in prison, *one that owns a flower shop
She has a boyfriend she keeps in a photo
(I like this first verse. I’d like to see this lyric tweaked and resubmitted. There are some good, earthy visuals to work with, but I’d like to see you spend some time making it more cohesive. If a line doesn’t progress your story, lose it and find one that will. My suggestions are to support this effort, I see glimpses of this girl, so drive it home.)
Chorus:
The future floats by down a dark, empty street
A discarded memory from somebody’s dream
(I didn’t get the reference to the wrapper)
In a world that’s protected by missiles and rockets (for rhythm)
And comes to an end in the words of the prophets
She can’t believe the things she believes in
And she sings just to keep on breathin’
At the table in the kitchen, she picks * chicken bones
For a vision of the Virgin or some bad omen (Bad creates conflict)
Cottonwood branches beat time on the shutters
A low-rider stalks with the thunder of drummers
She waits for tomorrow, but morning has broken
Chorus
Her friends and her family tell her she is pretty
When she sees reflection, she just doesn’t get it.
She sleeps in a bedroom where somebody died (* once isn’t needed.)
There’s nothing to fear. It wasn’t from violence.
(I suggest combining those 2 lines as shown, but then write another l5 lines to this verse using the ending patterns established in the other 2 verses: “photo” and “broken” which have the same long “o” sound. Also this is your last opportunity to say something meaningful to begin closing out the song, so make it a good one.)
Chorus:
The future floats by down a dark, empty street
A discarded wrapper from somebody’s dream
In a world that’s protected by rockets
And comes to an end in the words of the prophets
She can’t believe the things she believes in
And sings just to keep breathin’
Cape Cod by Don Wall, Dallas, TX
V- Lying together in tall grass
Sun bubbling our desires
Estuary life’s exploding
Spinning earth inspired.
(These changes could help make 4 line verses & create rhyme pattern.)
V2- Quietly roasting carrots and apples
An evening fire between two Indians
Feet rubbing each others’ feet
Soft wet pine needles beneath
Silhouettes
In the seaside moonlight
(This could be kept to 4 lines also. I can see possible changes to make that happen. You changed your rhyme pattern, so check that & possibly cut the last two lines.)
C- Oh How I love my Old Cape Cod
Maybe some day I’ll go home
to stay
(Suggestion to create a bit of a rhyme. Also, your title is Cape Cod Love, but you don’t say that directly in the lyric. Should the title be “How I Love My Old Cape Cod”? I think it might drive your point home if you repeated the two lines of the chorus again.)
B: When the clouds roll in
We hunker down
Then the tent caves in
We hold each other on the ground
When daylight comes
We stumble into town
(There are some good ideas here, but I suggest, once again, that you use the ideas to create a four line verse, and try not to use a rhyming word just for the sake of a rhyme. As the poet that I see you are, I believe you can do that.)
V- Walking hand in hand through the dune
Shouting ‘We can’ in the wind
Churning up a bending pile of sand
The sunset is at hand
Holding tight out of breadth
On this Cape Cod mountain
V2 Watching a peach colored sun
Slipping under the sea’s green blanket
Color drifts to breathe by
Pilgrim’s Tower against the sky
Heaving time to the wind
And the ocean
(The structure breaks down here a bit, and I’d like to see you continue to work on this piece. The lyric becomes very long. Perhaps spend some more time talking your visuals and condensing and working on structure. I imagine you could make four verses out of the material you have here without losing your story. There are some nice images to work with. I would enjoy seeing this again after it is reworked.)
C- Oh how I love my Old Cape Cod
Maybe some day
I’ll come back to stay
V1 - And when the sun goes down
We’ll take the long walk back to town
And wonder over coffee
What our destiny will be
In a world where everything changes
V2- Folding into each other
Like a perfectly written letter
Lightly touching, sensitive
It is with you I want to live
To love today
And forever
C: Oh how I love my Old Cape Cod
Maybe some day
I’ll come back to stay
Old Guitar Man by Minnie Murray, Sante Fe, NM
I’m going to keep this simple.
I assume the first lines in all caps is the chorus, but I have to guess at that, because there are no labels. Your reader will enjoy the lyric more if you can provide a clear layout for your verses, bridges and choruses and helps present your work in a professional manner. Now to the tweaking the lyric:
My edit:
He rolls a cigarette with moldy tobacco
Picks up a guitar, polished old
Has some missing teeth. The others are yellow.
His guitar sings sweetly, sounding so mellow.
This is a nice beginning. I can see your character.
The above reworked lines are to show you an example of the kind of editing I’d like to see throughout this lyric. You’ve got some very nice visuals here, but they could use work on cadence and keeping clarity of the story the most important factor. I would enjoy seeing you rework this lyric and enter it in the contest again.
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