Thank you to our judge, Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for comments!
First Place I’m Right Here by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA
Suggestions to strengthen your lyric are in red and blue.
(Verse 1)
God, where are You? Was all I could say,
as I struggled to make it through another long, hard day. Too many syllables rush the line and are not always necessary to the lyrics. Edit Edit Edit.
Searching, looking but just not seeing clear, “just” doesn’t add to the line and is too many syllables to flow smoothly.
He answered in my anguish, “Child, I’m right here!” I would leave out “in”. He answered my anguish makes better sense and flows better.
Chorus
I’m right here in the middle of your mess,
when you’re sinking low, I’m the hope rising in your chest.
I’m the whisper when the chaos steals your ear,
you don’t have to wonder, ‘cause child, I’m right here. Continue to cut extraneous words when possible for better flow of a line.
(Verse 2)
The world gets loud, and it drowns out my soul,
the weight of it all tries to take control. I suggest using shorter words like “When the weight of life tries to take control” flows better.
But even in captivity, Your voice breaks through, “Even trapped here in captivity, Your voice is breaking through.” Read your line next to this one.
saying, "Hold on, child, I will carry you!"
Chorus
I’m right here in the middle of your mess,
when you’re sinking low, I’m the hope rising in your chest.
I’m the whisper when the chaos steals your ear,
you don’t have to wonder, ‘cause child, I’m right here.
(Bridge) — [Rap/Spoken]
When you’re at your lowest, when you feel alone,
when you’re crying out, thinking hope is gone—
I’m the fire in your heart, the light on your path,
the grace that holds you and always guides you back. “the grace that’s holding you will always guide you back.”
Every tear you cry, every prayer you say,
I’m the love that’s steady, and I’ll never walk away. “I’m the love that holds you steady,…”
Chorus
I’m right here in the middle of your mess,
when you’re sinking low, I’m the hope rising in your chest.
I’m the whisper when the chaos steals your ear,
you don’t have to wonder, ‘cause child, I’m right here.
Outro
Oh, I’m right here—closer than you know.
I’ll never leave you; I will never let you go.
In your triumphs, in your struggle, and always in your fear,
don’t worry my child—I’m right here!
Think more in terms of conversational lyrics. When you talk to God, do you say every single ”the”, “and”, “well” or “in”?
Consider writing more casually like you and God are just talking like two friends.
I appreciate and enjoy faith-based music from believers. Thank you for your submission.
Second Place Neon in Her Eyes by Craig Hendricks, Mentone, AL
She's a true Texas lady,
every cowboy's dream
pretty as an Amarillo sky
sweet as Abilene
To anyone who knows her,
it comes as no surprise
that when she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes
She'd grown tired
Of those one night rodeos
Smokey bars, honky tonks,
And life out on the road
She thought she finally found
A place her heart could hide
But when she thinks of him
You see the neon in her eyes
(Chorus)
The Green of envy,
when he tells her he won't stay
The blue of her sorrows
as she watched him ride away
the orange and red of anger
when she caught him in his lies
When she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes
Sometimes she thinks she hears
His voice whispering on the wind
And part of her starts wishing
She was in his arms again
But her love is like a sunset
That fades into the night
And when she thinks of him
You see the neon in her eyes
(Chorus)
The Green of envy,
when he tells her he won't stay
The blue of her sorrows
as she watched him ride away
the orange and red of anger
when she caught him in his lies
When she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes
(outro)
When she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes
Your lyric has a nice feel to it. I like the first verse. I would consider checking
your cadence and perhaps changing the third line to “pretty Amarillo sky,
sweet as Abilene”. It feels smoother, says the same thing without rushing the
line. Such a small change can help the flow of a lyric without losing the point.
Example: perhaps on the second verse, remove “the” and have the line be:
”you see neon in her eyes.” As I write, I edit over and over until I feel I’ve
eliminated words that don’t add to the story. There are multiple places in your
lyric where your message won’t suffer if you remove a few words. Does the
“orange and red” need the “orange”part? “There’s neon in her eyes” is more
powerful than ‘you see the neon in her eyes”. It’s direct. Also, I suggest you
make the chorus more hooky with a clearer message. All of these suggestions
could help strengthen your lyric and make it more radio ready. I hope you’ll
rework this piece and resubmit it to DSA. Thank you.
Third Place Look at Me by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX
Suggestions to strengthen your lyric are in red and blue.
That sunny day getaway - there was no prouder man
My little daughter ran to me and grabbed my (great big) hand Adding ‘great big’ would establish your meter and word stresses in these two lines.
tShe pulled me to where there stood a sturdy old oak tree. “She pulled me as she does to a sturdy old oak tree…” is much stronger & less words.
With excitement, begging, ‘Daddy can I climb it please? Try not to use ‘she’ as often and start a line with a prepositional phrase to break things up.
Disappearing, up she went- I wondered at my choice?
Then way up high I saw a wave and heard a tiny voice say
Look at me! I’m way up here in this big oak tree Look at me! I’m as happy as can be. I suggest keeping the two choruses the same or close.
I’m mommy’s little angel - I’m daddy’s big girl I would consider changing “big” to ‘”great big” or “favorite’ for syllable count and better flow.
I’m way up here on top of the (whole) world
Look at me – look at me
Those happy days turned to months, months turned into years. Happy days turned to months, month turned into years
My wife and I, patched her scrapes and kissed away her tears
That first date, the high school prom, a Romeo swept her away. There are too many syllables in this line. “Young love swept her away” flows better.
She smiled at us and said these words on her wedding day
Look at me! I’m as happy as a girl could ever be I suggest keeping the chorus close to the same each time. See notes above.
Mom, you are my angel and dad I’m still your girl
And I feel like I’m on top of the world
Just look at me …
Then one day my (whole) world fell apart and left me asking why. Watch your syllable count for good flow, non-rushed words.
My wife was would be taken from me in the “quick” blink of an eye Same reason for this change. Too many syllables.
My life was not worth living - I could not go on this time How would I survive?
And as my hope slipped away a hand slipped into mine. “And as hope slipped out of my hand, another one took mine.”
Learn to notice stressed words.
Dad, look at me, don’t give up we’ll make it through, you’ll see “Saying” Daddy, look at me. We’ll……..”
Mommy’s with the angels, but beside you is your girl “……., But I’m still your little girl.”
I’ll help you get by – it’s not the end of our world
Look at me, dad, look at me
This is a sweet story and will make a nice lyric with some additional work. It all needs editing.
Think about your syllable count on each line and try to have each verse match the others with
the same number of counts. Perhaps research how to manage your stresses in songwriting.
I suggest reading your lyrics aloud over and over from first draft until the final draft to check
your cadence and examine the strength of each line. Is there a condensed way or more colorful
way to say the same thing?If a line doesn’t roll off the tongue easily, perhaps there’s another way
to say the same thing with more ease. You want to capture the listener with each word and line …
not just the over-all ‘good idea’. Consider each line as a next piece of your lyric puzzle. Each line
is worth serious scrutiny to help each word the best choice for your song. Writing from personal
experience helps your subject matter ring true. Bring the story alive by using more tangible details
from your memories and share those with your potential audience. Thank you for your sweet
submission. I suggest you work on this a bit more and resubmit it next round.
Fourth Place ANNA’s SONG by Michael Clarke, Mt Carroll, IL
Come by today You have established a rhyme scheme with the first four lines of ABBC which you don’t carry out in your lyric.
I’ll leave the door unlocked
No need to knock
Just come on in I would say, “Feel free to come on in” for the sake of meter.
I’ll put the kettle on
And make some tea
No TV
Just you and me Consider adding, “Hanging comfortably” or something to keep that segment balanced.
We can talk the by n’ by I would leave this first line about by n’ by as is, but I suggest the following line be something like this:
While the leaves are falling While leaves are falling
We’ll stay warm by the fireside We can stay warm by the fire (keep your present tense going with can and cut ‘side’ as it’s too many syllables
It’s hard to keep from yawning We’ll both start yawning (your line has too many syllables). I suggest you study some on song structure.
I have some cake
A little ice cream too
No need to choose
It’s all for you Perhaps ”I bought it all for you” or something that adds syllables for this line to match up & flow well.
And when we’re done
Let’s head down to the lake
The plans we make
Walking off that cake
All my senses seem to come alive
When I feel you near me
You bring peace into my life
This is good, you’ll see
Lie next to me Perhaps “Come. Lie next to me” to keep your meter the same as the first line in this section.
We’ll count the evening stars
Which one’s Mars I might say, “I’ll ask you which one’s Mars”
That’s really far
Funny how we seem
To make each other smile
We got awhile Right about here, I feel like you lost your way in this lyric.
Another mile The bulk of the song was an interesting series of phrases.
Can two hearts make it right
With all the things that can be
If you wish you can stay the night
This is good, you’ll see
© 2025
It is helpful for the reader to see the song structure: Verse 1, Verse 2 etc. with Chorus and/or bridge.
It’s important for the rhyme scheme to be clear as well. For instance, if you switch the 3rd and 4th line,
you’ll create a rhyme scheme for the first four lines of a b c b. Then you can use that as your pattern
throughout the song. This feels a bit more like prose with no-rhyming intentions in some places and
then clearly in others, you have created rhymes like ‘tea’,’TV’ and ‘me’ but these don’t follow an
established patter, because your lines starting with “I’ll put the kettle on” ( I like that line ) has a
pattern of a b b b. But you do have a repeated a b b b pattern starting with “I have some cake” and
then again starting with the line “Lie next to me” a b b b and “Funny how we seem”, so I’m not sure
of your intentions. I like the vibe of the lyric. It feels welcoming from the beginning. I do feel like you
change the direction of your message somewhere in the middle to a love song which kind of confused
me, because I thought the first half seemed like it could have been with anybody, not just a lover.
Anyway, I appreciate your entry and like your images, and I’d certainly come have cake and tea with
you by the fireside. Keep writing from your heart, stay on message, and work on song structure and
rhyme patterns. I would like to see you work on this further and resubmit it.
Fifth Place Voodoo Salad by Bill Kapac , Wildwood, NJ
This is an interesting concept, and you’ve added some interesting phrases
like “in the voodoo salad called New Orleans”, but your lyrics have extraneous
words that don’t add to your story. I suggest you edit, edit, edit, eliminating
unnecessary words, allowing your story to not get lost in the clutter. I also
notice some verses that don’t have the same number of syllables as others.
Try to keep in mind that solid song structure will strengthen your lyric’s appeal.
Also, check your word stresses, so that your lines flow with more ease. Perhaps,
include yourself more into your lyric by using the first-person perspective and
some, personal, tangible details and references. Do all that and then read the
whole lyric again out loud and see if you weren’t the writer, if you would get the
whole picture clearly. If not, work on it further. Thank you for your entry and
hope you’ll keep writing and submitting to DSA lyric contest.
Honorable Mention Shadows Play by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX
This lyric is a clever idea with some interesting phrases. I suggest you
work on clarity of message. For instance, the first chorus starts out
strong with the first two lines, but then I don’t understand the message
of the last two lines in relationship to the whole song meaning. If you’re
going to write from the perspective of the shadow, that could be something
interesting, but you’ll benefit from reading as if you didn’t write it to see
if you’d understand how each line moves the story and if it makes sense
to the listener, or reader in this case. I like the step to the right, step to the
left idea. That’s very clear and clever. The whole chorus works well. I got
lost in the bridge as if there’s part of the story you’ve not addressed
previously in your story. Perhaps you can give a hint earlier on about
your message. Thank you for your submission. I hope this is helpful
in creating the level of work for which you seem capable.
