Thanks goes out to judge Alexis Tapp for her comments.
SEMIFINALIST
Christmas Tonight by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
Transistor Radio and Me by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Rising Star by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
My Boyfriend by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
Optimist by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
I’m So Easy to Please by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Christmas Tonight by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
Verse: It’s cold outside but it’s warm in my heart
Like the fire we’re about to ignite
Christmas is snow and Christmas is lights
Christmas is all the things that we like
Pre-Chorus: Standing under stars and sky
You make it feel like Christmas tonight
Christmas Christmas tonight
You make it Christmas Christmas
Chorus: Christmas is snow and Christmas is lights
Christmas Christmas
Standing under stars and sky
You make it feel like Christmas tonight
Verse: As Rudolph flies past the evening moon
I’m feeling so lucky to be here with you
Christmas is snow and Christmas is lights
Christmas is all the things that we like
Bridge: It’s cold and our hands are frozen
Your hand the only one I know
Stealing kisses from loved ones
Under the mistletoe
Pre-Chorus: Standing under stars and sky
You make it feel like Christmas tonight
Christmas Christmas tonight
You make it Christmas Christmas
Chorus: Christmas is snow and Christmas is lights
Christmas Christmas
Standing under stars and sky
You make it feel like Christmas tonight
Tag: Christmas Christmas tonight
JUDGE’S COMMENTS:
You have the makings of a nice Christmas song with this lyric; however, I found your structure confusing, so I took a moment to label the sections and move some lines I’ve labeled Bridge. That section could use additional work for rhyming purposes.
It seemed you had two different chorus sections, so I’ve called one a Pre-Chorus which could build musically into your Chorus.
Thank you for your submission, and congratulations on being awarded FIRST PLACE in the DSA 2022 Spring Lyric Contest.
SECOND
"Transistor Radio and Me” by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Verse 1: Daddy was a bulldozer, mama tried to keep her pride.
The only thing I did was run outside and hide.
Way up in my tree house, I turned the music loud,
Just my transistor radio and me, longing for some harmony.
(this addition to the 4th line helps establish the child’s need and what the radio offered.)
Pre-Chorus: Lying on my back, staring at the sky
Simply trying to figure out why, why, why
(extra emphasis on why creates angst from the child and adds drama)
Chorus: My transistor radio and me
Couldn’t quiet her cries or stop his awful screams. (work on meter in each line for better flow.)
All night, to the music, I heard the black and blue,
But my transistor radio and me … pulled through.
Verse 2: He stole the magic lantern in my little eyes
Leaving me alone in the cold, dark night
Clinging to hope, as I trembled in fright
Just my transistor radio and me.
Bridge: I still hear cries and whispers from my childhood
Family blood spilled, and still runs deep
And the broken hearts weighing heavy
Some stains can’t be washed away
Pre-Chorus: Lying on my back, staring at the sky
Simply trying to figure out why, why, why
Chorus: My transistor radio and me
Couldn’t quiet her cries or stop his awful screams.
All night, to my music, I heard the black and blue,
But my transistor radio and me … pulled through.
Outro: Yeah, way up in my tree house, I turned the music loud.
Just my transistor radio and me, just my transistor radio and me"
JUDGE’S COMMENTS:
"Transistor Radio and Me”. First, I’ll mention that it’s helpful to those reading a lyric to label sections of the song. I have labeled it according to what I assume was intended. You have accomplished stirring compassion for the young person in your lyric, and although there were other entries with better structure in this quarter’s contest, your depth of thought and message moved your lyric ahead.
My suggestions here are meant to help you paint a clearer picture: 1) Weeding out lines that don’t add to the story and adding a few words here and there can help clarify the message. 2) I don’t relate to your lines about Kindred Spirit and don’t think that makes your message stronger. 3) I’ve added suggestions to help with rhyme scheme and offered replacement words to advance your story. 4) The section I’ve labeled pre-chorus could be a good place to build the music into the chorus. 5) The chorus itself (the next four lines) can drive your title and hook. 6) Using the title hook in both the first and last line of each chorus drives the message and makes the lyric more marketable.
I hope you’ll use these ideas or re-work your lyric to make it more polished. I appreciate your entry and look forward to seeing you grow in your writing. Congratulations on SECOND Place for the DSA 2022 Spring Lyric Contest.
THIRD
Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Verse 1 It’s been so long since I wrote a country song
Now that you’re gone, I feel one coming on strong
Our love died so young and now I’m so old
try “this broken love has left me cold”
Chorus: Nothing aches as hard (I like the simplicity and repetition of your chorus.)
As a broken country heart
Nothing aches as hard
As a broken country heart
Bridge: We were together. Now we’re apart, and nothing aches as hard as a broken country heart.
Verse 2 Chug-a-lugging hope from a brown paper bag “paper” helps the meter
Trying to figure out, should I zig, or should I zag
My sad eyes sparkle when Pigeons coo to me. ‘sunken eyes’ doesn’t add to the story.
I shower them with peanuts, they seem to hear my plea
Chorus
Outro But long ago
When you wore your sundress “Yellow dress” would help the meter and draws a sweet picture.
We went with the flow
Your hair fell in a beautiful mess
Thank you for your submission in this quarter’s contest. I really enjoyed your title and hook line. I’ve offered some suggestions using your own lines to help with structure. I hope you’ll continue to work on that and meter as you grow as a songwriter. Congratulations on THIRD PLACE in the DSA 2022 Spring Lyric Contest. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
FOURTH
Rising Star by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
Verse 1
Rising stars continue to glow
With every reason to shine,
Showing others the best way to go,
They’re always a favorite of mine. (This line doesn’t add to the story. What line could tell us more about the rising star?)
Pre-chorus
When I feel sad, and have nowhere to go
I gave to the evening sky (Watch changing verb tenses. Or did you mean to say “gaze at the evening sky”?)
And I see in those stars from below.
A beauty that will never die
Chorus
We are rising stars!
Anyone can be a rising star!
We are rising stars!
Anyone can be a rising star! (I’d be interested in what makes a person become a star. Perhaps give us a line about that.)
Verse 2
When people are lost, stars lead the way
Guiding them through the night,
Providing a path so they do not stray
Leading the way ‘til twilight
Pre-Chorus
Although I am one in those trillions of stars,
Lighting the heavens above,
Just like a star from afar,
I shine on others with my love
Chorus
We are rising stars!
Anyone can be a rising star!
We are rising stars!
Anyone can be a rising star!
I’m always rising, so it’s not surprising
That each day I will rise once more,
I’ll always shine, it’s a habit of mine, (“habit” seems an odd choice for this line. Mission, Goal, Hope perhaps?)
And through this I’ll help others soar
We are rising stars!
Anyone can be a rising star!
We are rising stars!
Anyone can be a rising star!
Be a rising star
JUDGE’S COMMENTS:
The lyric contains sweet sentiment and has clear rhyme scheme, however,
it’s helpful to label each section of a song and line up the lyrics underneath each section.
I’ve tried to arrange your lyrics as I assume you intended. In your lyric writing, I would
encourage you to look for examples of your points and incorporate those into your message.
Congratulations on placing FOURTH in the 2022 Spring Lyric Contest.
FIFTH
My Boyfriend by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
VERSE 1
i want a boyfriend
in the past, i didn’t care
I WANT A BOYFRIEND
‘CAUSE I SEE LOVE EVERYWHERE
PRE-CHORUS
i want someone to hold my hand
someone that i can to share a kiss
CHORUS
my boyfriend
do you want to be the one I love?
my boyfriend
ooh
VERSE 2
I want someone to fall for me
the way that lovers do
tell me, do you like me too?
is that someone you?
BRIDGE
spin the bottle, truth or truth, do you like me?
meant to be, dare or dare, kiss me now?
I’LL tell you how. (I think it might be more exciting here if your lyric were: Let’s kiss right now!)
PRE-CHORUS
never thought i'd laugh this much
at every little thing you say
starry eyes. (This line doesn’t add anything and has 3 lines unlike your first pre-chorus which has 2.)
CHORUS x 2
oh my boyfriend
do you want to be the one I love?
my boyfriend
ooh
Judge’s Comments:
Thank you for your submission. You’ve got the makings of a cute, love-struck, youthful, pop song. I’ve taken liberty to edit it for length, correct rhyme pattern, add a few lines, and labeled it for clarity. Labels are very important. I guessed at what you intended. As you continue to write, begin to scrutinize each section of the lyric. Do my verses have the same rhyme pattern? Could these words be a good bridge to add excitement or move the message forward? Such discipline will help you become a stronger writer. If lines are too long, find a way to re-arrange words or shorten your thought. If a line isn’t necessary to move the story forward, just take it out. Use extra, unrelated thoughts in another lyric if you can’t part with them. In the condensed sample I’ve provided above, I’ve kept your best lines and your hook is intact. I hope you’ll continue to work on editing and song structure and that you’ll continue writing and enjoying the craft. Thank you for entering the Dallas Songwriters Spring lyric contest and congratulations on this 5TH PLACE. I look forward to seeing what else you do.
HONORABLE MENTION
Optimist by Della Pietra, Old Field, NY
Verse 1: DON’T LIKE NEGATIVITY
GIMME POSITIVITY
LIFE’S FULL OF POSSIBILITY
SO TAKE A CHANCE
Pre-Chorus: I SEE THE WORLD IN AWESOME LIGHT
COLORS IN MY EYES SO BRIGHT
Even ON A CLOUDY DAY
Chorus: IT’LL BE ALRIGHT
IT’LL BE OKAY
WHEN THE WORLD HAS LOST IT’S WAY (The line felt incomplete and needed to rhyme the next line.)
I KEEP A SMILE UPON MY FACE
Verse 2: DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT SHOULD BE
FOCUS ON ALL LIFE COULD BE. (This line could use a couple more syllables to correct meter.)
CHOOSE HAPPINESS. THAT’S THE KEY
IT’S BEAUTIFUL
Pre-Chorus: EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING
LOOK UP. WE WILL FIND IT
JUST AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON TRYING. (Eliminating ON, so the pre-chorus has the same meter as above.)
Chorus: IT’LL BE ALRIGHT
IT’LL BE OKAY
WHEN THE WORLD HAS LOST IT’S WAY
I KEEP A SMILE UPON MY FACE
BRIDGE: EVEN WHEN I’M IN THE DARK I FIND A WAY
I’LL BE THE SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY
THANKFUL GOOD THINGS COME MY WAY
A SMILE UPON MY FACE, GIVING THANKS EVERY DAY FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT COME MY WAY
Chorus: IT’LL BE ALRIGHT
IT’LL BE OKAY
WHEN THE WORLD HAS LOST IT’S WAY
I KEEP A SMILE UPON MY FACE
JUDGE’S COMMENTS:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUBMISSION. I’VE CORRECTED SOME THINGS STRUCTURALLY AND OFFERED SUGGESTIONS TO EDIT LENGTH AND LABELING VERSES AND CHORUSES SINCE THEY WERE’NT LABELED.
YOUR MESSAGE IS GOOD AND HAS SOME GOOD LINES, BUT LEAVING OUT REPETITIVE THOUGHTS, REARRANGING LINES, AND CONDENSING THE OVERALL PIECE RESULTS IN A CATCHY, POSSITIVE MESSAGE WITH BETTER STRUCTURE, CONSISTENT LINE LENGTH, BETTER METER, AND A CORRECTED RHYME SCHEME. MY GOAL IS TO SUPPORT YOU IN TAKING MORE TIME TO EDIT YOUR WORK. WRITERS OFTEN WANT TO HANG ONTO EVERY LINE OF THEIR ORIGINALLY DRAFT, BUT SOMETIMES WHAT SOUNDS GOOD TO US AT FIRST DRAFT, JUST DOESN’T MOVE THE STORY FORWARD. IF YOU COMPARE MY EDITED IDEAS TO YOUR ENTRY, I HOPE YOU’LL DISCOVER THAT BY EDITING, YOUR POSITIVE MESSAGE WILL SHINE MUCH MORE AND BE MORE COMMERCIALLY APPEALING. THIS, WITH THE NEW STRUCTURE COULD BE A UPLIFTING SOUNDTRACK FOR SYNCING. I HOPE YOU’LL PUSH YOURSELF TO EDIT WITH A DISCERNING EYE. CONGRATULATIONS ON THIS HONORABLE MENTION IN THE DSA 2022 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST.
HONORABLE MENTION
"I’m So Easy to Please" by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
V 1: Summer skies,
Your beautiful eyes
Baby please,
No more goodbyes
Pre-Chorus: Oh, I’m dancing with the daisies
Playing with the sunshine
And making love Deep inside my mind
Chorus: ‘Cause I am so damn easy to please.
Whispering to the breeze
I’m making love with the trees
Oh, I am so damn easy to please
V 2: I wear my heart
All over my sleeve
Just waiting for someone
To believe in me
V 3: But why can’t the light?
Kiss the dark, dark night
And simply melt away
The urge to fight
Pre-Chorus: Oh, I’m chasing all my pipe dreams
Eating chocolate ice cream
And singing to Elvis and the Jailhouse Rock
Chorus: ‘Cause I am so damn easy to please
Whispering to the breeze
I’m making love with the trees
Oh, I am so damn easy to please
Bridge: But maybe oh just maybe
Oh, who am I to say?
The sun might shine in my heart someday
Chorus: ‘Cause I am so, damn easy to please
Whispering to the breeze
I’m making love with the trees
Oh, I am so, damn easy to please
Outro; Summer skies
Your beautiful eyes
Baby please
Don’t you say goodbye"
Honorable mention. I hope you will continue to write but also edit, edit, edit, one of the most important aspects of writing. As a judge, I find it helpful for lyrics to have structure and labels for each section. I’ve made assumption about your intent and labeled accordingly. Verse 2 and 3 have different rhyme structure, so re-work one or the other for uniformity. Adding the line at the beginning of the chorus, both the first and forth lines will contain your title and hook line, making the chorus stronger and more memorable.
