Thanks to DSA Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for judging these entries and for the excellent comments.
SEMIFINALISTS
Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Good Old Days by Layne Bruno, Mansfield, Tx
Lavender and Love by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Daddy Had Another Bad Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
WINNERS
First Place Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
with judge’s comments
V1: Thinking of you and I am so blue
Wondering what the heck I’m gonna do
Woke up this morning, without any warning
You’d packed all your bags and were gone
Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles
My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle,
All of my dreams have been hung out to dry
And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.
V2: Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to years
But I was not able to dry all my tears
Then out of the blue, a note came from you
Said you’d settled down with somebody new
Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles
My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle,
All of my dreams have been hung out to dry
And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.
V3: Well, I screwed up my courage and bundled my heart
And set off to find me a much better start
Traveled the highways, my mind going sideways
Too many miles and going nowhere
Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles
My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle,
All of my dreams have been hung out to dry
And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.
Bridge: I was goin’ to nowhere pretty damn fast
So I gathered my things, went home to my past
Poured me a stiff one and put on some tunes
And listened to Peggy Lee sing me the blues
Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles
My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle,
All of my dreams have been hung out to dry
And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.
Tag: Miss Peggy Lee, I’m just too blue to cry.
I’ve made my suggestions in RED, and you may notice that I’ve taken the liberty of removing some “I’s”, “and’s”, and a few other words that weren’t needed for the story line and weighed the lyric down. I’m not sure about your title. Though I originally thought it catchy, you didn’t introduce those words until the very end of the lyric. I suggest you use those words prominently in the bridge or chorus if you feel committed to that title, but as the lyric stands with my suggestions, the title should probably be:“I Am Too Blue to Cry”.
Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
original submission
Thinking of you and I am so blue
Wondering what the heck I’m gonna do
I woke up this morning and without any warning
You packed all your bags and then you were gone
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
Well the days they turned to weeks and the weeks they turned to years
But I was not able to dry all my tears
Then out of the blue there came a note from you
Sayin’ you had settled down with somebody new
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
Well I screwed up my courage and I bundled my heart
And I set off to find me a brand new start
I traveled the highways with my mind going sideways
And I covered many miles but I went nowhere
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
Well I was goin’ nowhere pretty damn fast
So I gathered my things and went back to my home
I poured me a stiff one and I lay on my back
And I listened to Miss Peggy Lee sing the blues
And I listened to Miss Peggy Lee sing the blues.
Second Place Good Old Days by Layne Bruno, Mansfield, Tx
with judges’ comments
V1: Here’s to sneaking out early and coming home late
And to all the things that just couldn’t wait
Here’s to Friday nights under the stadium lights
We lost state but gave it one hell of a fight
V2: Here’s to young love bringing two hearts together
Yeah, we believed it would last forever
To Springsteen songs we sang with a lighter
A little too drunk but we still lit that fire
Chorus: And this one’s for us
Every time we messed up
To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made
To the highs and lows we’ll never forget
When the good old days weren’t over yet
V3: To first bills we paid and the full U-Haul trucks
We were young and too dumb to know quite enough
To all the drinks we’ve spilt on our couches
In first apartments and then our dream houses
V4: Here’s to first jobs and bosses we couldn’t stand
But paychecks felt good in our hot little hands
To the pizza and ramen that got us all through
And to every breakdown, this one’s for you
Chorus: And this one’s for us
Every time we messed up
To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made
To the highs and lows we’ll never forget
When the good old days weren’t over yet
Bridge: Raise a glass to the past ‘cause it was a gas
To everything we’ve lived through
Raise a glass to the past, best we ever had
Say “cheers” to me and you
Chorus: And this one’s for us
Every time we messed up
To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made
To the highs and lows we’ll never forget
When the good old days weren’t over yet
Chorus: Yeah, this one’s for us
Every time we messed up
To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made
To the highs and lows we’ll never forget
When the good old days weren’t over yet
I’ve suggested changes in red to correct line length, flow, and meter…and sometimes, to help with clarity or further the story. You suggest you cut the chorus down to 5 lines instead of 7. This revised chorus I’ve suggested makes your point quite well, and this shorter chorus might move the song along better. If you read the lyric aloud over and over, you may begin to see how the words flow off your tongue or you stumble over words. Keep reading aloud and tweaking words and thoughts until it flows well. It’s helpful to label the parts of the lyric: verse, chorus, and bridge. I’ve labeled the above as I believe you intended. I suggest taking one of the lines I removed from your original chorus to build a bridge. This could be a rowdy, sing-along, party song and needs the build up. You’re welcome to use my ideas or not…or tweak the lyric in your own manner. I hope you’ll keep working on this for re-submission.
Good Old Days by Layne Bruno, Mansfield, Tx. original submission
Here’s to sneaking out early and coming home late
And to all the things that just couldn’t wait
Here’s to Fridays under stadium lights
We lost state but hell of a fight
Here’s to young love that brought together
Yeah, we believed it would last forever
Here’s to the Springsteen songs we sang with a lighter
A little too drunk but we still lit that fire
And this one’s for us
Everytime we messed up
To the loves we lost and the friends we’ve made
To the highs and lows we’ll never forget
To the first bills we paid and the U-Haul trucks
Too young and dumb to know enough
To all the drinks we’ve spilt on our couch
In our first apartments and our dream houses
Here’s to first jobs and bosses we couldn’t stand
But those paychecks felt good in our hands
To the pizza and ramen that got us through
And to every breakdown, this one’s for you
And this one’s for us.
For every time we messed up
To the loves we lost and the friends we’ve made
And for every single goodbye wave
Raise a glass to the past and all that we had
To the highs and lows we’ll never forget
When the good old days weren’t over yet
Yeah, this one’s for us
For every time we messed up
To the loves we lost and the friends we’ve made
And for every single goodbye wave
Raise a glass to the past and all that we had.
To the highs and lows we’ll never forget
When the good old days weren’t over yet
Third Place Lavender and Love by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
with Judge’s Comments
V1: Can’t explain why I still feel the flame
Even though it burned out long ago
I still remember your lavender and love
Before you left me for the dark side of your soul
Chorus: Found a river that flowing in three-four time
Let’s dance there again living sublime
V2: Feel the foreplay of the gentle twilight
As it hurtles into pitch-black night
Can’t enjoy today living for tomorrow
With voices in your head that’ll stalk your shadow
Chorus: I found a river that flowing in three-four time
Let’s dance there again living our sublime
Bridge: Saddle up your sorrow, ride into my light
I’ll chase your dreams with you all my life.
Let me spin your world, summon up the sun
Do everything little thing that you’d want done.
Chorus: I found a river that flowing in three-four time
Let’s dance there again living our sublime
V3: Can’t explain why I still feel the flame
Even though it burned out long ago
I still remember your lavender and love
Before you left me for the dark side of your soul
Chorus: I found a river that flowing in three-four time.
Let’s dance on the river, living our sublime
Pretty good chorus with a little editing. I’ve suggested some changes in RED to correct the long lines that didn’t flow very well or to tweak the words for clarity. Sometimes a lyric doesn’t need quite so many thoughts, so leave us wondering. It’s good to label the different parts of your lyric for the reader, because we can’t hear the music changes. I’m not sure you intended to have a bridge, but I’ve labeled a section as such, because it makes sense and builds on your idea of how much he loves her with the changes I’ve suggested. The second verse doesn’t make sense to me, and I feel it could use clarity to nail down the ideas in your story. I like that you repeated the first verse as the third verse to bring us back around. Thank you for your submission. Good work.
Lavender and Love by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA Original submission
I can’t explain why I still feel the flame
Even though it burned out so many years ago
I still remember your lavender and love
Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul
I found a river that flows in three-four time
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
I love the foreplay of gentle twilight
As it hurtles into pitch-black cravings of the night
Ya can’t enjoy today if you live for tomorrow
Don’t let voices in your head stalk you with your own shadow
I found a river that flows in three-four time
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
Saddle up your sorrow, ride into the light
Let me spin your world, summon the sun for you
Life is just my day job, not my heart’s desire
I could spend my lifetime chasing after your sweet dreams
I found a river that flows in three-four time
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
I can’t explain why I still feel the flame
Even though it burned out so many years ago
I still remember your lavender and love
Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul
I found a river that flows in three-four time.
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
Fourth Place Daddy Had Another Bad Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
with judge’s comments
V1: It is a shame, children have to pay
When daddy’s had another bad day
All the rage, will it ever go away?
Or will daddy have another bad day?
Chorus: Sunsets and photographs fade away
But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days
V2: Such a vicious cycle to break
Daddy’s daddy had his own bad days
Fear runs so deep, children cannot sleep
When daddy has another bad day
Chorus: Sunshine and laughter fade away
But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days
Bridge: After the storm, daddy lost his head
Broken children laying frozen in their beds
Holding their breath in a pool of fright,
Will they survive another storm tonight?
Chorus: Sunsets and photographs always fade away
But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days
Outro: It is a shame, little children have to pay
When daddy has another bad day
When daddy has another bad day
Yeah, daddy had another bad day.
Thank you for your submission. The lyric is sad but offers a story from a different perspective.
I’ve made suggestions in red to help with structure and flow and to build on the story.
Feel free to use them if you wish, but I suggest you work on this further for resubmission.
Daddy Had Another Bad Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
original submission
It is a shame, children have to pay
When daddy had another bad day
All his rage takes center stage
Will daddy has another bad day?
Sunsets and old photographs always fade away
But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days
It is a vicious cycle to break cause
Daddy’s daddy had bad days too
Fear runs so deep, children cannot sleep
When daddy has another bad day
Sunsets and old photographs always fade away
But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days
After the storm when daddy lost his head
Broken children lay froze in bed
Lying in a pool of fright,
another storm tonight
Oh, daddy will have another bad day?
Sunsets and old photographs always fade away
But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days
It is a shame, children have to pay
When daddy has another bad day
When daddy has another bad day
Yeah daddy has another bad day.
