Winners of the 2021 Fall Lyric Contest
Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for comments
1. One Eyed Ghost by Ynana Rose & Roman Mastandrea, San Luis Obispo, CA
2. Remember Me As A Sunny Day by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
3. Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA
HM Lavendar and Love by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA
First Place
ONE EYED GHOST by Ynana Rose & Roman Mastandrea, San Luis Obispo, CA
The moon is a one-eyed ghost peeking through the clouds
On a lonesome highway, westward bound
The sky fades to black as the doubt seeps in
Will you love me now like you loved me then?
CHORUS:
Was I gone too long?
Did you cry in the cold grey dawn?
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
Is it too late to say I was wrong?
The fog is a whisper of the rain
The miles take me back to where I was again
When you begged me to stay & I promised to return
Can love’s fire last with no fuel to burn?
CHORUS:
Was I gone too long?
Did you cry in the cold grey dawn?
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
Is it too late to say I was wrong?
BRIDGE:
I feel the shame of regret
And the weight of the words I should have said
Our little blue house just the same as before
The naked porch light, the old screen door
In the kitchen window, you shining like a star
Holding a new love in your arms
CHORUS:
I was gone too long
While you cried in the cold grey dawn
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
It’s too late to say I was wrong
Wish I’d never gone away
It’s too late to say I was wrong
The moon is a one-eyed ghost peeking through the clouds
Judge’s Comments: I have only one issue with your lyric: your title isn’t your hook line.
The hook is “Was I Gone Too Long”? which might be an appropriate title.
You might even repeat the line “Was I gone too long?” as a last line on the chorus.
Good job. Thank you for your submission. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Second Place
REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1 RAIN DROPS STING LIKE FROZEN BULLETS WIND TARGETS MY FACE
BUT I FEEL ONLY MY BROKEN HEART YOU LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE
OF COURSE IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T STAY
YOU’RE WITH YOUR NEW LOVER NOW MY TIME TO FADE AWAY
V-2 AT LEAST I TASTED LOVE AND SURE I WANTED MORE
BUT I’LL KEEP THAT FEELING I’VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD BEFORE
AND IF YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN YOU WOULD BE WITH ME
I’D LIKE TO SAY I’M HAPPY THOUGH MY HEART WOULD DISAGREE
CH: REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST
YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST
AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY
I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY
V-3 AND AS I TAKE TO LOOKING BACK SOMETHING I TRY NOT TO DO
ALL MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS BRING ME BACK TO YOU
TIME CHANGES LOTS OF THINGS BUT SOME STAY STANDING STILL
AND LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU I SUPOSE THEY ALWAYS WILL
BRIDGE: I’LL GO ON AND SPEND MY TIME WITH THOUGHTS FOREVER MINE
AND CARRY ON MY BACK THINGS I CANNOT LEAVE BEHIND
CH: REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST
YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST
AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY
I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY
Judges Note:
V-1 RAIN DROPS STING LIKE FROZEN BULLETS WIND TARGETS MY FACE.
This line seems strained and doesn’t add to an otherwise pretty good lyric. Perhaps try something like:
” I can still feel your warmth where you last kissed my face.”
BUT now I have a BROKEN HEART ‘cause YOU LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE
OF COURSE IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T STAY
Now you’re with a new lover, It’s MY TIME TO FADE AWAY
V-2 AT LEAST I TASTED your LOVE AND SURE I WANTED MORE
BUT I’LL KEEP THAT FEELING always I’VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD BEFORE
AND IF YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN YOU’D’ve BEen WITH ME
I’D LIKE TO SAY I’M HAPPY THOUGH MY HEART WOULD DISAGREE
CH: REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST
YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST
AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY
I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY
V-3 AND AS When I TAKE TO LOOKING BACK which I TRY NOT TO DO
ALL MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS BRING ME right BACK TO YOU
TIME CHANGES LOTS OF THINGS BUT SOME STAY leaves others STANDING STILL
AND LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU I SUPOSE THEY ALWAYS WILL
BRIDGE: I’LL GO ON AND SPENDing MY TIME WITH THOUGHTS FOREVER MINE
AND CARRY ON MY BACK THINGS I CANNOT LEAVE BEHIND
Bridge: “Every thought of you is forever mine.
There’s just too much I can’t leave behind!”
(This would change the cadence for the bridge and has more punch.)
CH: REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST
YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT too FAST
AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY
I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY
I think it would be effective is you said, “your sunny day” or “one sunny day”, but that’s not a big thing.
Third Place
Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA
It’s been so long since I wrote a country song
Now that you’re gone, I feel one coming on strong
Our love died so young and now I’m so old
I’m so afraid to come in from try something else like “this broken love has left me cold”
Chorus: Nothing aches as hard
As a broken country heart
Nothing aches as hard Nothing aches as bad OR Nothing’s quite as sad
As a broken country heart As a song that makes you sad As a love gone bad.
Nothing aches as hard
As a broken country heart
We were together. Now we’re apart. Nothing aches as hard as a broken country heart.
Chug-a-lugging hope from a brown paper bag
Trying to figure out, should I zig, or should I zag
My sunken eyes sparkle when Pigeons coo to me
‘sunken eyes’ doesn’t add to the story. Maybe ‘sad eyes’.
I shower them with peanuts, they seem hear my plea
Chorus
But long ago
When you wore your sundress
We went with the flow
Your hair fell in a beautiful mess
Honorable Mention
Lavendar and Lace by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA
I can’t explain why I still feel the flame
Even though it burned out so many years ago
I still remember your lavender and love
Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul
I found a river that flows in three-four time
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
I love the foreplay of gentle twilight
As it hurtles into pitch-black cravings of the night
Ya can’t enjoy today if you live for tomorrow
Don’t let voices in your head stalk you with your own shadow
I found a river that flows in three-four time
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
Saddle up your sorrow, ride into the light
Let me spin your world, summon the sun for you
Life is just my day job, not my heart’s desire
I could spend my lifetime chasing after your sweet dreams
I found a river that flows in three-four time
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
I can’t explain why I still feel the flame
Even though it burned out so many years ago
I still remember your lavender and love
Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul
I found a river that flows in three-four time
Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime
I suggest you work on your end of line rhymes in your second and third verses. And you changed rhyme patterns in the different verses.
I really enjoyed your chorus.
It is helpful when pitching your lyric, that you label the parts of your lyric as verse, chorus, and bridge.
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