2021 SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST SEMIFINALISTS
“HOUSE UP ON THE HILL“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
“ A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
“ SILENT POET“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
“MISS PEGGY LEE SINGS THE BLUES” by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA
2021 SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS
1. “HOUSE UP ON THE HILL“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
2. “ A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
3. “ SILENT POET “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
HM. “MISS PEGGY LEE SINGS THE BLUES” by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for Comments.
First Place: “HOUSE UP ON THE HILL“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
CHORUS:
THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL
A MANSION ON THE MOUNTAIN
WITH A PICTURE PERFECT LAWN
AND A GIGANTIC great big MARBLE FOUNTAIN
THE WATER TASTES LIKE HONEY
GLISTENS JUST LIKE GOLD
AND ANYONE WHO DRINKS FROM IT
NEVER WILL GROW OLD
V-1
IT’S A BIG OLD WOODEN HOUSE
PERCHED high UP ON THE HILL
HAS It’s BEEN standing THERE FOREVER
AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL
IT’S BEEN PAINTED EVERY COLOR
TODAY IT’S BLACK AND WHITE
ALL THE SPIRITS KNOW OF about IT
AND STOP BY LATE AT NIGHT
Chorus
V-2
IT’S SO HIGH up IN THE AIR THERE’S CLOUDS hang out with it AROUND ALL DAY
Takes A MILE LONG UPHILL HIKE
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY
THERE’S NO DOORS TO KEEP YOU OUT
So COME in AS YOU PLEASE
Just KISS THE MAGIC STATUE
and PAY HOMAGE ON YOUR KNEES
V-3 Bridge:
THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL
WHERE EVERYBODY GOES
WE’RE ALL LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
THAT NO ONE REALLY KNOWS
THERE’S STRANGE THINGS GOING ON
Though nobody is home.
THERE’S NO LIGHTS OR ELECTRIC
NO TV OR A PHONE
JUST A CLOSET FULL OF GHOSTS
SO YOU NEVER FEEL ALONE
CHORUS x 2:
THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL
A MANSION ON THE MOUNTAIN
WITH A PICTURE PERFECT LAWN
AND A GIGANTIC great big MARBLE FOUNTAIN
THE WATER TASTES LIKE HONEY
GLISTENS JUST LIKE GOLD
AND ANYONE WHO DRINKS FROM IT
NEVER WILL GROW OLD
V-4
THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL
HIGH ABOVE THE RAIN
WHERE THERE’S STRANGE THINGS GOING ON
NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN
THE BEDROOMS HAVE NO BEDS
THERE’S NO PLACE TO SIT DOWN.
THE CANDLES SHOW THE FACES
OF THE SPIRITS TO BE FOUND
Outro suggestion: Candles flicker showing faces of the spirits to be found, and those who enter may approach them and never make it out.
Kudos for originality. I’ve taken liberty to make suggestions in red that I believe will help make your lyric stronger. Starting with a chorus is great way to set the direction of your story. Using the one suggestion I’ve offered for the chorus, it’s strong and rhythmic.
I think you should repeat it after both the first and second verse. However, you might consider using your best line from your third verse to create a short bridge and discard what’s left of the fourth verse as it doesn’t really add to your story and feels unnecessary.
If you feel the song needs another verse, write a better verse that’s visual and maybe a little creepy. The line about the candles showing faces of the spirits might be a good way to end the song on a spooky note or create that other verse. I’ve made a suggestion for such a line. These suggestions are yours to use or not, but I do believe the lyric could use some tweaking and then go record it. Thanks for your fun entry. I hope you’ll keep writing and entering the lyric contest. I enjoyed this one.
Congratulations on winning FIRST out of 60 submissions in this quarterly DSA lyric contest 2021.
2nd Place: “ A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS “ 1 by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU
I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
I’LL ALWAYS BE YOUR LOVER
FOREVER YOUR BEST FRIEND
I MISS YOU WHEN I’M WORKING
DAYS WITHOUT YOU ARE TOO LONG
EVERY MINUTE WITH YOU’S HEAVEN,
and IT’S HELL WHEN YOU ARE GONE
V-2
WHEN I take you YOU’RE IN MY ARMS
HOLDING YOU SO TIGHT
I FEEL so WARM INSIDE
and EVERYTHING IS RIGHT
TRUE LOVE CAN’T PRETENDed.
WHAT WE HAVE IS REAL
NO WORDS I’ve EVER SPOKE
CAN EXPLAIN THE WAY I FEEL
CHORUS:
A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS
A LOVER FOR ALL TIME
I HAVE ALL I NEED
AS LONG AS YOU ARE MINE
LIFE IS FULL OF MYSTERY
SOME CAN’T BE EXPLAINED
LIKE THE MAGIC WE still FIND
IN A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS
V-3
A LITTLE WINK ON A BUSY DAY, a little hug,
SHOWING THAT WE CARE.
And NEVER LOSING TOUCH
OF THE LOVING that WE SHARE
HUNGRY LIPS COLLIDE
SPARKING FIRE IN MY VEINS
YOU STILL DRIVE ME CRAZY
WITH A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS
CHORUS:
A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS
A LOVER FOR ALL TIME
I HAVE ALL I NEED
AS LONG AS YOU ARE MINE
LIFE IS FULL OF MYSTERY
SOME CAN’T BE EXPLAINED
IN A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS
BRIDGE:
TEMPTATION REARS IT’S UGLY HEAD
CAN VISIT ANY TIME
TRYING TO SPOIL RELATIONSHIPS what we have
AS IT POISONS it’s poisoning THE MIND
BEING HUMAN ISN’T EASY
TO BE GOOD’S A CONSTANT FIGHT
SOMETIMES DOING what is WRONG
IS EASIER THAN DOING RIGHT
CHORUS:
A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS
A LOVER FOR ALL TIME
I HAVE ALL I NEED
AS LONG AS YOU ARE MINE
LIFE IS FULL OF MYSTERY
SOME CAN’T BE EXPLAINED
IN A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS
The suggestions in red are to correct the flow of various lines. As you work your lyrics, I suggest you read them aloud multiple times to see if a line loses a smooth rhythm as you read or if any lines sound like you’re trying to crowd too many words into it. Listen to see if each line sounds natural and conversational, as if you’re talking with another person, rather than coming off too poetic. I suggest you make a few of these changes to make your lyric its best. Your song structure and rhyme scheme are good. Thank you for your submission, and congratulations on placing 2nd out of 60 submissions.
3nd place: “SILENT POET “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
PEN DANCED ACROSS WAITING new PAPER
WORDS FLOWED SMOOTHLY AS FINE flowing smooth like WINE
LIKE A SCRIPTURE CARVED IN SOLID STONE
UNTIL THE END OF TIME
EVERY DETAIL MAGNIFIED
SO CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT
AS IF HE FOUND A SECRET THE WORLD
we couldn’t COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT
HE SPENT ALL HIS TIME WRITING ALONE
HARDLY HAD A FRIEND
TALKED ONLY TO HIMSELF IN WEIGHTED WORDS HE COULD DEPEND flowed through his pen.
THE DAYS WERE ALL THE SAME
HE RARELY SAW THE SUN
WHEN A One POEM WAS barely FINISHED
when ANOTHER JUST had BEGUN
YEARS FLEW BY TOO QUICKLY
HIS WORK STACKED ON A SHELF
A LIFETIME WORTH OF WORDS NEVER READ only BY ANYONE ELSE himself
HE PONDERED FOR A MOMENT
LAYED DOWN HIS TRUSTY PEN
He WOULDN’T NEED IT ANYMORE
HE’D NEVER WRITE AGAIN
FATE GREETED HIM WITH DIGNITY
A WARMING IN HIS CHEST
A SMILE that FOUND HIS WRINKLED FACE
said HE HAD GIVEN LIFE HIS BEST, “Gave this life my best.”
HE CLUTCHED HIS NOTEBOOK TIGHTLY FEELING ITS LAST WORD It held his life in words.
And LIKE SO too MANY OTHERS
Was NEVER TO BE HEARD
These are 4 very nice verses, but your title is never mentioned in the lyric. Also, the song structure is weak. It is very helpful to label your parts of the lyric. As it stands, I see no clear cut chorus or bridge. I suggest you use your title and write a two or three line chorus to give the song life and make it more memorable. The story is solid and tell us enough of the story, so your chorus could be a simple repetition of the title with a little embellishment or an interesting rhythm pattern. Doing this could develop your story line further without getting too wordy. Your third stanza might make a good bridge instead of keeping it as a verse. This is a nice story and is only in need of a structure and a few corrections. The notes and additions in red are to suggest help, such as where a line needs to flow more smoothly. I hope you’ll work this further and resubmit it with some changes. Thank you for your entry, and congratulations on placing 3rd out of 60 submissions.
Honorable Mention Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Critique by Barbara McMillen - I chose this song because it has an interesting title and good chorus. First of all when submitting lyrics always define your song sections. You might have meant for the verse 3 to be a bridge but we don’t know if you don’t tell us. An interesting title belongs in a power position (first line or last line or special effect) in the chorus. A good rhyme pattern was set up and followed through. Try to keep your lyric meter the same in each verse because the verse should have the same melody each time.
Verse 1
/ / / /
Thinking of you and I am so blue A 4
Wondering what the heck I’m gonna do A
I woke up this morning B
and without any warning B
You packed all your bags and then you were gone x
Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle A
My mind’s going full throttle, A
and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry B
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh B
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry B
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues X
Verse 2 / / / /Well the days they turned to weeks and the weeks they turned to years A 4
(this edited line matches the meter of the 1st line in the 1st verse)
But I was not able to dry all my tears A
Then out of the blue B
there came a note from you B
Sayin’ you had settled down with somebody new B
Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle,
and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues
Verse 3
Well I with screwed up my courage and I bundled my heart A
And I set off to find me a brand new start A
I traveled the highways B
with my mind going sideways B
And I covered many miles but I went nowhere X
Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues
Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle,
and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues
Outro
Well I was goin’ nowhere pretty damn fast
So I gathered my things and went back to my home
I poured me a stiff one and I lay on my back
And I listened to as Miss Peggy Lee sings the blues
And I listened to as Miss Peggy Lee sings the blues
No comments:
Post a Comment