Lyric Contest Winners
2020 Winter Lyric Contest:
Thanks to our judge, Alexis Tapp
SEMIFINALISTS
Strawberry Moon by Ynana Rose, San Lius Obispo, CA
Dying In The Distance by Michael R. J. Roth, Rio Rancho, NM
Blue Sea by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ
Your Prints in the Sand by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx
Where You Belong by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx
WINNERS
First Place
Strawberry Moon by Ynana Rose, San Lius Obispo, CA
Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will
She was a beauty in a white cotton dress
My kiss was a question, Her answer was “Yes”
We made love forbidden that long ago June
Beneath the light of a strawberry moon
Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will
Side by side in the moonlight we lay
Unprepared for the cruel light of day
Dreaming our dreams until the sunrise
Blind as the moon in our eyes
Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will
Her father sent her on the Northern rail line
Westward to marry, Never to be mine
I swore on the day she took a man’s ring
Single I would remain
Strawberry moon
Why oh why
Do you bring memories that make me cry?
Why do you follow
Haunting me still?
I said I’ll never marry & I never will
Notes from the judge:
Perhaps “beneath a strawberry moon” sums up the line nicely and less wordy.
Also, replacing “moon” w/ “moonlight” or “moon shining” would tighten up the meter.
Suggestion: “In the moonlight, side by side, we lay.”
I suggest you read your piece aloud and check for sounds and rhythm flow.
“Do you bring memories that make me cry?” might work better as
“Do you bring memories to light that make me cry?
The line, “Single I would remain” could use a couple of words to make the meter work.
Suggestion: “Sad and single, I would remain.”
I like that your lyric draws a picture, that it’s catchy, and that you gave it a memorable title.
Second Place
Dying In The Distance by Michael R. J. Roth, Rio Rancho, NM
Chatting in a coffee shop
With a guy who’s feeling urgent
About getting into politics
He insists he’s an insurgent
Behind him through the window
Is an ambulance across the street
They’re hauling out a stretcher
Someone covered by a sheet
And I’m suddenly ashamed
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say
With people dying in the distance
A quiet TV on the wall
Spewing natural disasters
Contagions and explosions
And the savviest broadcasters
Who never seem to be ashamed
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say
With people dying in the distance
Bridge
All the murder that we witness
Children kill their classmates
While asking for forgiveness
Mothers kill their children
And then go about their business
And I just carry on
With people dying in the distance
Around the world, across the street,
The shadows getting close to me
Following the path of least resistance
Before you know it I’ll just be
[Another person] dying in the distance
Yeah, I'll just be another name
In the artful conversations
About people dying in the distance
Notes from the judge:
1st Stanza:
Try adding “He’s getting into politics”)
(Try leaving off “He” on the last line to smooth out the cadence
Behind him through the window
Is an ambulance across the street
They’re hauling out a stretcher
Someone covered by a sheet
(Suggestion:”Out the window, is an ambulance, parked across the street…”)
And I’m suddenly ashamed
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say
With people dying in the distance
(Suggestion: this section seems like it could be labeled as CHORUS.
A quiet TV on the wall
Spewing natural disasters
Contagions and explosions
And the savviest broadcasters
In this stanza, I suggest leaving out “on the wall”
Who never seem to be ashamed
For having artful conversations
And clever things to say
With people dying in the distance.
(I suggest leaving off “to be” in the first line.
Bridge
All the murder that we witness
Children kill their classmates (This line seems unnecessary and weakens rhyme)
While asking for forgiveness Suggestion: Never asking for forgiveness.
Mothers kill their children. Suggestion: While mothers kill their children
And then go about their business
And I just carry on
With people dying in the distance
Third Place
Blue Sea by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ
V-1 MORNING CAME ON EASY, NIGHT FADING FROM THE SKY
OCEAN WAVES SHINNING, THE COLOR OF HER EYES
SUN RAYS DANCING ON THE WATER, FISH SWIMMING BELOW
DUCKS FLOATING IN A LINE, JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW
CHORUS: AQUA COLORED EYES, INVITED ME WITHIN
TO HER SECRET WORLD, WHERE I COULD LEARN TO SWIM
LOOKING IN HER EYES, WONDERING WHAT’S IN THERE FOR ME
NERVOUS AND EXCITED, I DOVE INTO HER BLUE SEA
V-2 WATER TINGLING MY BODY, AS I EXPLORE THE SEA
MY INHIBITIONS GONE, HER TIDE DIRECTING ME
WARM CALMING WATERS, WASHED AWAY MY FEAR
SWIMMING STRAIGHT AHEAD, I SEE MY PATH IS CLEAR
CHORUS: AQUA COLORED EYES, INVITED ME WITHIN
TO HER SECRET WORLD, WHERE I COULD LEARN TO SWIM
LOOKING IN HER EYES, WONDERING WHAT’S IN THERE FOR ME
NERVOUS AND EXCITED, I DOVE INTO HER BLUE SEA
V-3 TOGETHER NOW FOREVER, LIVING LIFE AS ONE
THE BLUE SEA WE SHARE, IS COLORED WITH FUN
LOVE HOLDS US TOGETHER, WATER SETS US FREE
DROWNING IN OUR PASSION, IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA
CHORUS: AQUA COLORED EYES, INVITED ME WITHIN
TO HER SECRET WORLD, WHERE I COULD LEARN TO SWIM
LOOKING IN HER EYES, WONDERING WHAT’S IN THERE FOR ME
NERVOUS AND EXCITED, I DOVE INTO HER BLUE SEA
Notes from the judge:
Good lyric. I could feel the rhythm and mood.
I would suggest that there are a few places that could use a little tweak, but overall it was a good lyric. Read it aloud to see where it doesn’t flow well. Then read it again, being willing to edit as needed. On the chorus, I suggest “Aqua colored eyes, inviting me in.”
Fourth Place
Your Prints in the Sand by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx
Verse1
Was never your dream if it’s fading away?
As empty a wish if can’t keep you awake
The scars of defeat, sweat, tears and the pain
The darkness and thirst, the fire in the veins
Can’t wait for the dawn don’t beg for the rain
Must light up your eyes go dig up your well!
Chorus
Hold onto your dreams don’t fear what they say
You must walk alone into the eye of the storm
Reach, farthest of shores finds seashells of light
Your prints in the sand will not fade away...
Verse2
Don’t wait no messiah Will lead you the way
Don’t count on the faces they all fade away
When glory is yours, there will be many claims
For now, just swallow these taunts and the blames
You are not born a pawn No master! No slave!
Your dreams all you got child don’t take them to grave
Chorus
Hold onto your dreams don’t fear what they say
You must walk alone into the eye of the storm
Reach, farthest of shores finds seashells of light
Your prints in the sand will not fade away...
Bridge
That moment will come soon when your eyes will see
Destiny is now yours; it was once so out of reach
You are master of your fate this time will not wait
The moment is now so, Hold onto your dreams
Notes from the judge:
Suggestion: Line 2 might be clearer as something like this: “If it’s really your dream, it will keep you awake.” As it reads, I don’t understand it’s meaning.
Line 6 doesn’t rhyme. Is this intentional? It took me out of the story briefly.
If line 5 ended with “avoiding the hell” or something like that, then line 6 would work.
Fifth Place
Where You Belong by Ben Halim, McKinney, Tx
Verse 1
Searched the dunes for golden past you never had
Cut your tongue, now burn your eyes, you raging mad
Darken pathway leading to your private hell
Bleeding streams, more empty shells, no paradise
Taste your truth now forget the stories told
Blood, religion, loyalty and trust were sold
Pre-Chorus
You’re just a shadow when dreams once fade away
There is no glory with shackles of yesterday
Chorus
Turn back the clock
Take back yourself
To that moment you were free
When you were strong
It's not too late - - It's not too late
It's not too late
Go find your path
Your faded destiny
Where you belong
Verse 2
Guarded raging waves of storms that never came
Saintly devils lead the mass, oh! What a shame!
Feasting on the rotting corpse of truth and faith
Glorifying hungry gods of sacrifice
Under chants of love and justice, noble words
Marching futures to slaughter like the herds
Pre-Chorus
You’re just a shadow...
Chorus
Turn back the clock…
Bridge
Sword is hunting truth now
Watch the bleeding roads
Curse the plan of fate
Under brother's blade
Blood is faded white
Hate is burning souls
Take a sip of knowledge
And few stabs from friends
Wolf and Shepherd's game
Tell me who to blame?
Tell me who to blame?
Chorus - Fadeout
Turn back the clock
Take back yourself
To that moment you were free
When you were strong
It's not too late - - It's not too late
It's not too late
Go find your path
Your faded destiny
Where you belong
Notes from the judge:
The imagery and the feel of this lyric are haunting and quite interesting. I feel this is worthy of additional work. Good poetry doesn’t always make a perfect song, so here
are few suggestions:
“you’re raging mad” in line 2
Line 4: the addition of “no paradise” at the end of the line disconnects the potential rhyme for “shells” and doesn’t add to the story.
In the pre-chorus: “once” seems wrong here. Perhaps adding “the” and changing “once” to “then”, ei: “You’re just a shadow when the dreams then fade away” works.
The chorus seems disconnected from the imagery of the verses and the bridge.
I suggest reading this with fresh eyes as if you don’t know what the lyric is about
to see if you can tighten up and condense the message or make it clearer.
I feel this lyric is a bit long. Condense and condense again is good rule of thumb.
Keep the key points to move the story forward without losing your listener.
I would really enjoy seeing this lyric entered again after the suggested work.
You have an interesting voice, so I hope to see more of your work.
Thank you for your submission.
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