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Quaterly Contest Deadlines:

Winter - March 30

Spring - June 30

Summer - Sept 30

Fall - December 31

Entry fee is $10

Enter by mail: Dallas Songwriters Lyric Contest, Sammons Center For The Arts, 3630 Harry Hines Blvd #20 Dallas, Tx 75219


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Tuesday, June 8, 2021

DSA 2021 WINTER LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS

 SEMIFINALISTS

Fishing Alone by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

Ships, Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy by Martin Robley, West Leeds, Australia

Will There Ever Be a Break of Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ


WINNERS

1. Fishing Alone by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

2. Ships, Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy by Martin Robley, West Leeds, Australia

3. Will There Ever Be a Break of Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

4. Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ


First Place: Fishing Alone by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ


V-1  WE WENT FISHING EVERY WEEKEND SHE PACKED LUNCH I TOOK THE BAIT

        DROVE THE TRUCK DOWN TO THE DOCK WE COULD HARDLY WAIT

        SHE SMILED WHEN SHE CAUGHT A FISH GAVE THEM ALL A NAME

        TALKED ABOUT EACH ONE TO ME THEY LOOKED THE SAME  

 

V-2  I ALWAYS TRIED TO PLEASE HER BROUGHT HOME ROSES AND FUN STUFF

        BUT SOMETHING WAS FADING I SAW THAT FLOWERS WERE NOT ENOUGH

        SHE DIDN’T SIT SO CLOSE ANYMORE HER SMILE NOT SO BRIGHT

        LAYING IN BED HOPING WE MIGHT SHE ROLLED OVER AND SAID GOODNIGHT


CHORUS:  I TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW MAYBE I COULD MAKE HER STAY

                     BUT IN THE END SHE SAID GOODBYE MY FRIEND AND WALKED AWAY

                     I COULDN’T STAND THE LONELINESS THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME

                     SO I TOOK THE BOAT OUT BY MYSELF AND WENT FISHING ALONE         


        V-3  WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER I THOUGHT WE ALWAYS WOULD

                 I’D RELIVE EVERY DAY WITH HER NOW IF I ONLY COULD

                 NO ONE HAD TO SAY IT WE KNEW OUR TIME WAS DONE

                 OUR SHIP HAD SAILED AWAY IT JUST RAN OUT OF FUN


CHORUS:  I TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW HOPING TO MAKE HER STAY

                     BUT IN THE END SHE SAID GOODBYE MY FRIEND AND WALKED AWAY                     

                     I COULDN’T STAND THE LONELINESS THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME

                     SO I TOOK THE BOAT OUT BY MYSELF AND WENT FISHING ALONE


OUTRO:  AS THE SUN RAINED DOWN ON ME I GAZED OUT ON THE BAY 

THOUGHT OF THE FISHING SHE WAS MISSING AND THE LOVE THAT GOT AWAY 


CHORUS:  I TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW HOPING TO MAKE HER STAY

                     BUT IN THE END SAID GOODBYE MY FRIEND AND SHE WALKED AWAY

                     I COULDN’T STAND THE LONELINESS THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME

                     SO I TOOK THE BOAT OUT BY MYSELF AND WENT FISHING ALONE


- JUDGES COMMENTS

 (Please note that my suggestions for tweaking your lyric are in red.)  


“FISHING  ALONE “ 

V-1.  WE WENT FISHING EVERY WEEKEND.

        SHE PACKED LUNCH; I TOOK THE BAIT.
        DROVE THE TRUCK DOWN TO THE DOCK,

        Where wE COULD HARDLY WAIT.


 
V-2.  Every fish she caught, she’d smile 

        And give each one A NAME (shorten for rhythm)
        TALKED
as if she knew them…

        to me, THEY LOOKED THE SAME 
 
CHORUS:     I ALWAYS TRIED TO PLEASE HER…

                    BROUGHT her ROSES home AND STUFF
       
            but SOMETHING started FADING 

                    and FLOWERS WEREN’T ENOUGH

    TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW

    To try and MAKE HER STAY
                    BUT IN THE END GOODBYE 

    Was all she had to say


   V-4.   SHE DIDN’T SIT SO CLOSE then

           HER SMILE was NOT SO BRIGHT

           In bed, I’d try to touch her,
           SHE
’d ROLL OVER,  SAy GOODNIGHT


  
V-5.   I COULDN’T STAND THE LONEly

            THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME
            SO I TOOK THE BOAT MYSELF 

            AND WENT FISHING all ALONE        

    This could be your bridge.): WE’d done EVERYTHING TOGETHER 

                            I THOUGHT WE ALWAYS WOULD
                                           I’D RELIVE
those days forever

                            IF I ONLY COULD


CHORUS:


OUTRO:     AS THE SUN RAINED DOWN ON ME,

                  I GAZED OUT ON THE BAY
                  THOUGHT OF FISHING SHE WAS MISSING 

                  AND THE one THAT GOT AWAY  


Additional Note:  I thought I’d toss out a different title to consider. “The One That Got Away”




Second Place: Ships, Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy by Martin Robley, West Leeds, Australia


Fumbles for a lucky strike

Out of matches

Out of luck

No place to stay the night


Bargain store smile on a low rent hustler

Hitting on some local guy

Smell of whisky

Smell of fear

Her chance has passed her by


Nocturnal waifs, homeless hard luck stories

Huddled snug in their overcoats

The late shift flunkies

Caffeine junkies

Life’s debris sinks or floats


Chorus:

Every face tells a story

Every sigh, every grin

Life passes away

The time of day

While they’re waiting for their ships to come in


Vietnam vet hides his war wounds within

Struggles for a reason why

Out of answers

Out of work

No tears there left to cry

Fugitive stares out an undressed window

Neon bleeds the pavement red

Tired of running

Tired of life

Too tired to go to bed

Chorus:

Every face tells a story

Every sigh, every grin

Life passes away

The time of day

While they’re waiting for their ships to come in

Bridge:

‘In The Wee Small Hours All Nite Diner’

Just the wrong side of the tracks

It’s a refuge for the cold and the lonely

It’s a haven for insomniacs

Chorus:

Every face tells a story

I know mine’s all shades of grim

Life passes away

The time of day

While they’re waiting for their ships to come in

Yes every face tells a story

Every sigh, every grin

Life passes away

The time of day

While we’re waiting for our ships to come in

We’re all waiting… for our ships to come in


Entry #2: Ships - Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy  - JUDGES COMMENTS

(Your title is descriptive but doesn’t sum up your lyrics. Consider something like: “Every Face Tells a Story” or  “Waiting Their Ship to Come In”.

I’ll start my critique and suggestions by addressing that there was a line missing in the first stanza, so it didn’t match the other verses.  I’ve suggested first line at the beginning.)



(Simple pleasures? Hardly ever.)
Fumbl
ing for a lucky strike.
Out of matches. Out of luck.
(Got) no place to stay the night. 


(Dime) store smile, low rent hustler. (Bargain’s 2 syllables threw off the rhythm and meter, so I suggest ‘dime’ store instead.)
Hitting on some local guy.
Smell
s of whisky. Smells of fear.
(Her last) chance (just) passed her by.

Nocturnal waifs and hard luck stories
(condense, too wordy)
Huddled underneath
(thin) coats. (I wonder if they’re snug and warm coats or ‘thin’.)
Late shift flunkies. Caffeine junkies.
(Lost souls sinking, trying to float.) (Try to get all your thoughts in without losing your rhythm or cadence. Speak your lyrics out loud over and over until you find what fits in a line without crowding. Think of alternate words that don’t change your meaning.)

Chorus:
Every face tells a story.

Every sigh (and hollow) grin.   (Google similar words for alt ways to describe your story’s picture.)

(Life keeps dragging on each day)

Waiting (their) ship to come in. (I suggest shortening this line for flow & it makes the point.)


(A) Vietnam Vet wars within.  (I suggest shortening this line for flow & it makes the point.)

Struggles for a reason why.

Out of answers. Out of work.

No tears left (in him) to cry.


(Fugitive stares out the window). 

Neon bleeds the pavement red.

Tired of running. Tired of living.

Too (strung out) to go to bed.


Bridge:  

‘In Wee Hours, All Nite Diner’ (Suggesting shortening of the line like this for flow.)

(On) the wrong side of the tracks.

It’s a refuge for the lonely, (I suggest shortening this line for flow & it makes the point.)

Haven for insomniacs.        (Same here.)


Chorus:

Every face tells a story.

Every sigh (and pseudo) grin.   (Another descriptive choice for the grin. Think about your meter when choosing words.  If it doesn’t flow, try a different word. )

(Life keeps dragging on each day)

Waiting their ship to come in (Once again, shortening this line helps the flow & still draws a picture.)


Chorus: 

Every face tells a story.

I know mine’s all shades of grim.

(Life keeps dragging on each day)

Waiting some ship to come in.

Waiting some ship to come in.


(The above lyric has good bones, however, meter suffered from too many words in some lines.  Try eliminating extraneous words and get down to the meat to make it more commercial.  It might be too long. I hope you’ll take my suggestions, work on this lyric some more, and resubmit it.  You’ve offered some pretty good visuals.)



Third Place: Will There Ever Be a Break of Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

How will I ever find the break of day

When you have taken all my sunshine away

Guess I’ll take a deep dive into my soul

Sing a dirge to beautiful loners

Under the stars, I slept with God

Oh, she was so damn beautiful

I poured her a cup of moonlight

We laid down softly in the pines

Losing ourselves in the dark of the night

Slugging it out with our fright

Under the stars, I slept with God

Oh, she was so damn beautiful

I tried so hard, but failed even harder

You cannot put out the fire

If you are fanning all of the flames

Will there ever be a break of day?

Under the stars, I slept with God

Oh, she was so damn beautiful


Entry #10:  Will There Ever Be a Break of Day - JUDGES COMMENTS


I feel like you’ve done a lot of rhyming for the sake of rhyming, but your chorus is good.  I would suggest working on singing it or speaking it aloud to try to make your lyrics more conversational and still make your point.  After a bit of work, I suggest you resubmit this.  I’d like to see your efforts.


#20: On the Day.   (I’ve offered suggestions below.  Please work on correcting rhyme patterns and length of lines for proper flow. The repetition may work here, but overall, I feel like you could work on the rhythm of the lines.  The feeling of the song may touch someone if you continue to work on drawing pictures with your words.  Think of some details to share about your personal experience and bring them into the mix.) 


On the day I lost my lover and my best friend. (I would lose “same”)

On the day my heart simply fell apart

On the day I cried because I (felt completely) lost

My lover and my best, my lover and my best, my lover and my very best friend, oh


How sad is the night sky without any stars, oh

How sad (when a rainbow leaves the sky) , oh

How sad is the darkness without any hope,  (leave off light)

Without any hope, without any hope, without any hope for light, oh


How sad is the sunset sinking into the sea, oh

How sad (when a flower dies of thirst), oh

How sad is (a teardrop with no one to dry), 

With no one to dry, with no one to dry, with no one to dry my eyes


On the day I lost my lover and my best friend

On the day my heart simply fell apart

On the day I cried because I (felt completely) lost

My lover and my best, my lover and my best, my lover and my very best friend



Fourth Place: Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ


Entry #  :

V-1  LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA A TASTE OF HEAVEN ON EARTH

         SUNNY SKIES SANDY BEACHES A GRAND DISPLAY OF WEALTH

         NATURE BLESSED YOU WITH YOUR WEATHER SUN SMILED DOWN ON YOU

         PALM TREES PRANCE IN A GENTLE DANCE AGAINST THE OCEAN BLUE  


      V-2 NOW YOUR BUILDINGS SCARRED WITH GRAFFITI THE SKY NO LONGER RAINS

             ONLY SHUTTERED STORES BROKEN HEARTS AND WITHERED TREES REMAIN 

             MOVIE STARS IN IMPORTED CARS LEAVING MANSIONS IN THE HILLS

             RUNNING FROM A CITY UNDONE AND OVERSIZED TAX BILLS

    

CHORUS:  LOST ANGELES - LOST ANGELES NOW EVEN YOUR STATUES CRY

                     TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS DIE

                     CITY OF ANGLES OUR CITY OF ANGELS NOW WHERE DID YOU GO

                     THE TOWN THAT REMAINS IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW


    V-3  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE 401 NOW A ONE WAY RIDE OUT OF TOWN

            THE ON- GOING PLIGHT TO FLEE AT NIGHT WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND    

            EVEN FANCY HOLLYWOOD HILLS WITH THEIR ICONIC SIGN

            IS JUST ANOTHER FADING SYMBOL BEING LEFT BEHIND


CHORUS:  LOST ANGELES - LOST ANGELES NOW EVEN YOUR STATUES CRY

                     TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS DIE

                     CITY OF ANGELS OUR CITY OF ANGELS NOW WHERE DID YOU GO

                     THE TOWN THAT REMAINS IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW

  

    V-4 NO MORE FANCY CARS AND CROWDED BARS JUST DIRTY EMPTY STREETS

           CIGARETTE BUTS AND CARDBOARD HUTS WHERE THE HOMELESS SLEEP

           YOU SLIPPED AND FELL INTO A LIVING HELL MUST BE A BETTER WAY

           SAVE OUR TOWN TURN THINGS AROUND MAKE US WANT TO STAY



CHORUS:  LOST ANGELES - LOST ANGELES NOW EVEN YOUR STATUES CRY

                     TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS DIE

                     CITY OF ANGLES OUR CITY OF ANGELS NOW WHERE DID YOU GO

                     THE TOWN THAT REMAINS IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW


2  YOU’RE PICTURE PERFECT HOUSES WITH MANICURED LAWNS

          NOW SIT VACANT AND OVERGROWN THEIR OWNERS LONG GONE


  V-

          DESPERATE CALLS FOR HELP FALL ON DEAF EARS

          THE SOUNDS OF SUFFERING NO ONE SEEMS TO HEAR


Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles.   - JUDGES COMMENTS



V-1  LA, CALIFORNIA A TASTE OF HEAVEN ON EARTH,
        SUNNY SKIES
and BEACHES, A GRAND DISPLAY OF WEALTH.
        NATURE BLESSED
your WEATHER. SUN SMILED DOWN ON YOU,
        PALM TREES PRANCE
a GENTLE DANCE AGAINST THE OCEAN BLUE. 

V-2 NOW GRAFFITI SCARS YOUR BUILDINGS. THE SKY NO LONGER RAINS.
       SHUTTERED STORES
, BROKEN HEARTS, WITHERED TREES REMAIN
       MOVIE STARS, IN IMPORTED CARS LEAV
E MANSIONS IN THE HILLS
       RUNNING FROM
LA and OVERSIZED TAX BILLS
   
CHORUS:  

LOS ANGELES - LOST city: YOUR STATUES even CRY
TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS
(ALL) DIE (check your rhythm.)
CITY OF
(THE) ANGLES: WHERE’d your angels GO?
WHAT REMAINS of LA IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW (speak your lines to check meter, rhythm and emphasis of each line.)
 
V-3  NO FANCY CARS AND CROWDED BARS… JUST DIRTY EMPTY STREETS
        CIGARETTE BUTS, CARDBOARD HUTS WHERE HOMELESS
live and SLEEP
        YOU
(cut words) FELL INTO A LIVING HELL   MUST BE A BETTER WAY
        SAVE OUR TOWN
, TURN THINGS AROUND, MAKE US WANT TO STAY (to present your lyric in its best light, I suggest including punctuation where it is really necessary to the reading.)

V-4  YOU’RE PICTURE PERFECT HOUSES WITH MANICURED LAWNS
          OVERGROWN and VACANT THEIR OWNERS LONG GONE
          DESPERATE CALLS FOR HELP FALL ON DEAF EARS
          THE SOUNDS OF SUFFERING
calls. NO ONE SEEMS TO HEAR


I suggest making this your BRIDGE:  

        (cut words) NOW THE 401’s A ONE WAY, (STRAIGHT ON) OUT OF TOWN
        THE
NEWEST PLIGHT’s TO FLEE AT NIGHT WHEN NO ONE’S AROUND   
        HOLLYWOOD,
your HILLS WITH THEIR ICONIC SIGN
        (cut words) ANOTHER FADING SYMBOL, BEING LEFT BEHIND


CHORUS  

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DSA SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS 2023

Thanks to Lyric Contest judge Alexis Tapp for her comments.  SEMIFINALISTS BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, W...