FALL 2020 Lyric Contest Semifinalist
Stories in the Attic by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ
Cross Country Fan by Kenna Zishka, Austin Tx
Spending Time with Me by Don Wall, Dallas, Tx
Sunrise in the West by John Pronk, Amarillo, Tx
Take the Slow Road, Don Wall, Dallas, Tx
Armor by Heinz Adler, Camarillo, CA
FIRST PLACE LYRIC: STORIES IN THE ATTIC by Bill Kapac, Wildwood, NJ
V-1 WHEN GRANDPOP WAS A YOUNG MAN HE BUILT HIS HOUSE ALONE
AND SOON HE HAD A FAMILY WHO’D MAKE THIS HOUSE THEIR HOME
HE RAISED HIS KIDS THERE, TOLD THEM A STORY EVERY NIGHT
WORKED ON A NEW ONE EACH DAY UNTIL IT SOUNDED RIGHT
V-2 HE PAINTED THEM A VISION AS HE READ THEM ALL TO BED
THEY LISTENED VERY CLOSELY, SAVORED EVERY WORD HE SAID
THEY COULDN’T WAIT FOR NIGHTTIME TO SEE WHAT HE WOULD SAY
HIS CHARACTERS WERE COLORFUL AND LIVED EXCITING DAYS
WORK ON CHORUS: LETTERS MAKE UP WORDS, WORDS CAN BE WRITTEN DOWN
BUT WORDS CANNOT TELL A TALE IF NO ONE IS AROUND
THOSE WORDS CREATE A STORY ONLY WHEN THEY’RE TOLD
UNLIKE THE PERSON TELLING THEM STORIES NEVER WILL GROW OLD
YOUR VERSES ARE TELLING ME A GREAT STORY, BUT THE CHORUS LET ME DOWN. I’M NOT GOING TO PICK IT APART, BECAUSE I FEEL IT NEEDS ENTIRELY REWRITTEN…SOMETHING CATCHY AND FULL OF LIFE AND LESS LIKE AN INSTRUCTIONS. THE LAST LINE MIGHT BE USED SOMEHOW IF REWORDED. HOW WOULD GRANDPOP PUT IT? WOULD HE CALL ON HIS PERSONAL EXPERIENCES, HIS MUSE, HIS IMAGINATION, OR SOMETING HE’D SEEN THAT VERY DAY THAT INSPIRED HIM TO MAKE UP HIS NEXT STORY? DO YOU WANT TO BUILD UP TO THE MOMENT HE BEGAN WRITING THEM DOWN? WHAT WAS HE FEELING ABOUT HIS LEGACY? I’VE INCLUDED MY SUGGESTED CHANGES IN RED. THIS IS A GOOD LYRIC AND DESERVES YOUR TWEAKING. MY SUGGESTIONS ARE TO WORK ON YOUR RHYTHM STRUCTURE, AND CREATE A SMOOTHER FLOW OF THOUGHT AND CLARITY. THE TITLE ISN’T CATCHY OR EVEN METIONED MUCH. I WOULD CONSIDER CHANGING IT. THIS IS A VERY SWEET AND RELATABLE STORY. GOOD WORK.
V-3 OVER TIME THE GENERATIONS GREW UP AND MOVED AWAY. (or THE KIDDOS)
GRANDPOP WAS LEFT THERE ALL ALONE, BECAUSE HE CHOSE TO STAY.
(or HE WAS BORN THERE. HE WOULD STAY.)
HE WROTE DOWN ALL HIS STORIES, CAPTURED EVERY MAGIC WORD
HOPING MAYBE SOMEDAY, HIS STORIES WOULD BE HEARD
BRIDGE: (CUT “HIS”) WORDS ECHO’D THROUGHOUT EMPTY HALLS
THIER SHADOWS DANCED ON FADED WALLS
BUT THAT’S NOT HOW THIS STORY ENDS,
HIS CHARACTERS WOULD LIVE AGAIN
I FOUND WRITINGS IN SOME ATTIC BINS,
WHEN I BOUGHT THE HOUSE 2010… AND I READ THEM TO MY KIDS
SECOND PLACE LYRIC: Cross Country Fan by Kenna Zishka, Austin Tx
I see your face
On the front row AGAIN
Always there in place
As soon as the gate opens
From Maine to Idaho
I SEE YOU CLAP YOUR HANDS
From the VERY first note
‘Til the (CUT VERY) last song ends
YOUR SIXTH LINE DIDN’T RHYME.
You take to the road when (CUT EVER) you can
Map out a (CUT TRULY) cross country plan
Traveling all this way
Just to hear us play
We are a hardworking TRUE country band
AND You’re MY ONE truest cross-country fan
FYI: THOUGH THIS ISN’T WRITTEN SMOOTHLY, IT TELLS THE STORY PRETTY CLEARLY. PERHAPS CLARIFY IF YOUR FAN IS ALSO YOUR LOVE INTEREST TO MAKE THE LYRIC MORE INTERESTING:”MY ONE TRUEST CROSS-COUNRY FAN”. I’VE HAD A FEW FRIENDS WHO FOLLOWED BANDS WHO WEREN’T LOVE INTERESTS, SO IF THAT WASN’T YOUR INTENT, PLEASE FORGIVE. YOUR RHYME AND STRUCTURE NEED CONSIDERABLE WORK, BUT I LIKE YOUR IDEA AND FEEL IT’S WORTHY OF THE ADDITIONAL WORK. EXAMPLE: YOU CHANGED YOUR RHYME SCHEME FROM THE 1ST VERSE TO THE 2ND. I’LL LEAVE THE REST OF THE LYRIC FOR YOU TO REEVALUATE AND REWRITE. BE SELECTIVE WITH YOUR WORDS. DOES IT PROGRESS THE STORY? I’D ENJOY SEEING WHAT YOU DO WITH IT AND HOPE YOU RESUBMIT IT. IF SO, I ALWAYS APPRECIATE LABELS ON THE VERSES, CHORUSES, AND BRIDGE.
At the meet and greet
There in Nashville
I thought you were sweet
You waited for a photograph
With the rain in your hair
Now at every stop
Arena or fair
When I see you we both laugh
You take to the road whenever you can
Map out a truly cross country plan
Traveling all night long
Just to sing along
We are your favorite country band
You are our truest cross country fan
So many others
Just follow the fame
But you know every word
How every song came
From that dusty country road
And all life’s stories each day has told
You take to the road whenever you can
Map out a truly cross country plan
Traveling all this way
Just to hear us play
We are a hardworking country band
You are our truest cross country fan
THIRD PLACE LYRIC: Spending Time with Me by Don Wall, Dallas, Tx
I have a few suggestions IN RED.
H- Do do do do do do doot doo do do do do doo
V- She swings through the doors
And she couldn’t look hotter
I’m back AT the bar
Sippin’ bourbon, no water
She glides ‘cross the floor
Heads are turning there
She snuggles up UP TO me
Slips a kiss in my ear
C- And you know, she likes spending time with me
And I know I’m a lucky man IF she
Takes a way my pain AND my misery,
SHE IS MORE THAN SOMEBODY JUST SPENDING TIME WITH ME.
H- Do do do do do do doot doo do do do do doo
V-She’s got curly red hair
And big blue eyes
She sparkles like an angel
COMING DOWN FROM THE skies
She knows me and she loves me
She’s my best friend
THOUGH WE MET OVER WHISKEY,
SHE WAS HEAVEN SENT.
YOUR LYRIC: Always there to save me From a low down bitter end SEEMS A FORCED RHYME & DOESN’T ADVANCE STORY. THIS SUGGESTION ELEVATES HER FROM BAR CHICK TO ANGELIC.
CHORUS
H- Do do do do do do doot doo do do do do doo
V-Well I look to the left
And turn to the right
Everybody’s jealous
SHE FILLS HER JEANS OUT NICE
The girls are filled with envy
The boys all want to be
Hanging with the woman
Who’s HANGING on me
C- And you know, she likes spending time with me
And I know, I’m a lucky man IF she
Takes a way my pain AND my misery
She takes away my pain AND my misery
She’s the girl for me
Indefinitely
H- Do do do do do do doot doo do do do do doo
(repeat)
FORTH PLACE LYRIC: Sunrise in the West by John Pronk, Amarillo, Tx
(slow) Well, the sun RISES up in the East We all know that and yet........
(uptempo) You ain't lived LIFE until you see (CUT HOW) that sun rise( CUT S) in the West (way out west!)
watch a sunrise in the West !
Now, I've traveled all around this great (CUT BIG) land and I HAVE seen alot I guess?
And I can truly tell you man, I love a sunrise in the West (it's the best!)
to watch a sunrise in the West!
The mountains and prickly pear are quite picturesque
but (CUT EVEN) they don't have the flair of a big ol' orange WESTERN sun
(CUT WATCHING) a sunrise in the West!
bridge
the stars at night, are big and bright but I still like the mornin' best!
MY HACIENDA’S LITTLE WINDA’ HAS A VIEW FACED TO THE WEST.
So please Lord before I die grant me one request?
don't let me leave this world 'til I........
can watch a sunrise in the West (then I'll rest!)
watch a sunrise in the West.......!
THIS ENDING IS CONFUSING. I ASSUMED YOU’D ALREADY SEEN THE SUNRISE IN THE WEST BY YOUR VERSES, BUT AT THE END YOU ASKED THE LORD TO GRANT YOU THE REQUEST OF WATCHING THAT SUNRISE IN THE WEST. DO YOU MEAN ONE LAST TIME? PERHAPS CLARIFY IN YOUR ENDING. HAVE YOU JUST BEEN IMAGINING SEEING IT ALL YOUR LIFE AND HAVEN’T YET? I LIKE YOUR HACIENDA’S LITTLE WINDA’. CATCHY PHRASE. PLEASE REWORK THIS AND RESUBMIT. IT ALSO SEEMS A BIT SHORT. NOTE: IT IS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO THE JUDGE IF YOU LABEL YOUR VERSES AND CHORUS.
HONORABLE MENTION: Take It Slow by Don Wall, Dallas, Tx
Though this lyric has potential, I feel it needs additional work to make your point clear.
Is this a love gone wrong? Is it a wanderlust song? Why can’t the subject reach their quest alone?
And what does speed or pace of the trip have to do with reaching the quest?
I wanted the point to be clear. Please work on this lyric further and resubmit it.
Be aware that a force a rhyme for the sake of a rhyme will often lead your story astray.
Use rewriting as your opportunity to make your lyric great and try to limit just rhyming words.
HONORABLE MENTION: Armour by Heinz Adler, Camarillo, CA
This is a beautiful sentiment and strong idea, but the structure is not working.
Perhaps look for a co-writer to help with rhyme and a better flow of each line
or look at some online tips. Because it is a powerful subject, I strongly suggest
that you continue to work on this lyric and resubmit it.
Thank you for trusting us with your submission.
No comments:
Post a Comment