Judging by Alexis Tapp
SEMIFINALISTS
Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
Whispers Of The Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
She Was Just Having Fun by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
WINNERS
1. Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
2. SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
3. Whispers of the Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
4. Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
FOURTH PLACE
Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
(Verse 1)
In the quiet of the dawn, as the world awakes,
I find myself wandering, for my heart's sake.
Through the whispering pines, and down by the creek.
I hear your laughter in every word I speak.
(Chorus)
It's the echoes of your name that keep me whole,
The warmth of your memory, the fire in my soul.
In this world of shadows, you're my guiding light, (You’re the song in my heart … a poem in my mind.)
My love, my beacon, through the darkest night. ( My love, my muse, you’re my guiding light,)
(Verse 2)
Beneath the vast Texas sky, I lay me down,
Your image in the stars, in the heavens found.
The moon shares your smile, the wind, your caress,
In the arms of the night, I find my rest.
(Chorus) ( It is best to keep your choruses the same, so I’ve suggested a merge above.)It's the echoes of your name that call me back, To the days of our youth, on that forgotten track.
You're the song in my heart, the poetry in my mind,
My love, my muse, forever intertwined.
(Bridge)
In the solitude of my mind, where your voice still rings, ( In the quiet night, where you voice still rings)
I find solace in the pain and the joy it brings. ( Oh, those gentle tones … and the joy they bring.)
Each tear tat fall, like rain from above. (Each tear that falls, like rain from above,)
Waters the seeds of our undying love. (Waters the seeds of our undying love.)
(My suggestion is to cut words.
Simplify & keep it positive.)
(Verse 3)
As the seasons change and the years roll by, (As season’s change and the years roll by, )
My heart remains yours under this wide Texas sky. (My heart is yours ‘neath the wide Texas sky.)
Through every storm and calm, in every breath I take, ( Every storm and calm, every breath I take,)
I carry you with me with every step I make. ( I will carry you …every step I make.)
(Outro)
So here's to the echoes of a love so true,
Till the end of my days, in this life's great expanse,
I'll hold onto your love and our timeless dance.
(Thank you for submitting such a perfectly laid out and easy to follow lyric. I hope to see more of your work. My purpose is to offer some suggestions that may improve your lyric. I show examples of a more natural flow in a few places. I’d like to see you work on making each line less forced for the sake of rhyme. How would you say the same thing in a conversation with someone else? Probably not as poetically as you have here.I’ve moved a few lines and omitted others as an example. Sometimes just a few changes in a stanza can bring more imagery and depth to your story. Another suggestion is to keep all chorus’s the same unless there’s no other way, so I’ve show a merged version using lines from both of your original choruses. In closing, it’s important to read your lyrics aloud over and over to see where you need an extra word or how your stresses fall, and how it sounds rolling off the tongue. Just because it rhymes, doesn’t make it worthy of being the right word. Think outside the box a bit. Put more of your personal examples of pain or joy into it. If it doesn’t come out naturally, don’t force it. The goal is to tell the best story that sounds appealing to your listeners and maybe get a cut with an artist, so it’s worthy of the extra work. Does your story take the listener anywhere special? Can you, personally, visualize the progress of the story? I like that you have your title as your hook in the first line of the chorus, but in addition to that, consider this: some great songs have choruses that start with a question, so you could even play around with the chorus with the purpose of creating more drama and angst::
Is that your shadow when I’m alone?
Are you the beacon who lights my soul?
Warmth of our memories … fire to my soul,
Can echoes of your name keep me whole? )
THIRD PLACE
Whispers of the Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
(Verse 1)
The sun dips low in the Texas sky,
Paints the clouds in a crimson dye.
Lone star shines on a dusty road,
Where my heart lies, where my stories are told. ( “and my sories told” might work better for flow.)
(Chorus)
Whispers of the wind carry me home,
To the place where I never feel alone.
Through the valleys low, over hills so high, (Try to use some examples or draw the audience some) images.
In the arms of Texas, under that wide sky. ( I’d like to hear something personal. Why do you feel this way?)
(Verse 2)
Shadows dance in the firelight's glow,
Songs of old, in the embers show.
Ghosts of the past come out to play,
In the quiet of the night, till the break of day.
(Chorus)
Whispers of the wind, tell me tales,
Of lost love and lonesome trails.
Through the mesquite and the sage so sweet,
I find my solace; I find my peace.
(Bridge)
Under the vast, starry dome,
I wander, but I'm never far from home.
Each step I take on this land so grand,
Brings me closer to understanding this land.
(Verse 3)
Morning comes with a gentle breeze,
Stirring the silence, rustling the leaves.
The world awakes to a brand new day,
In the heart of Texas, where I'll stay.
(Outro)
So let the whispers of the wind guide my way,
Through the hills and valleys, come what may.
In the spirit of Texas, I'll roam free,
Till the whispers of the wind bring me home to thee.
SECOND PLACE
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1
SHE SPOKE INTO MY EYES, “ARE YOU READY MY FRIEND?” ( Watch your stresses and how many syllables for smoother lines.)
I SLID THE GUN UNDER MY SHIRT SAID, “I’M HERE TIL THE END”. (You don’t need the “I” because you say “my” and ‘neath’ instead of “under” rolls smoother.)
WE PUT ON OUR MASKS AN’ PUSHED THROUGH THE DOOR
SHE HAD A SMILE ON HER FACE AS WE ROBBED OUR FIRST STORE. ( I swear she smiled… as we robed that store.)
V-2
WE RAN OUT THE SIDE JUMPED IN OUR CAR
SPED AROUND THE BLOCK STOPPED AT A TOPLESS BAR. (‘round). “topless “doesn’t add anything to the story and it works against smooth flow of the line.)
SAT DOWN BESIDE HER AND BOUGHT US A DRINK
TOO NERVOUS TO TALK AFRAID TO THINK (“And too scared to think” sounds better than afraid and rolls off the tongue better.)
CHORUS:
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE LIKED TO BE FREE
THE FIRE IN HER EYES WAS ALL I COULD SEE
I STARTED FEELING GUILTY FOR WHAT WE HAD DONE “‘Except me, feeling guilty for what we’d done” corrects your cadence.
THERE WAS NO END IN SIGHT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN
V-3
SHE SAID I’M FEELING LUCKY LETS TRY A BANK
I HAD NO ONE TO BLAME AND JUST HER TO THANK
WE STOOD IN LINE SHE’S DRESSED LIKE A NUN
THE TELLER SMILED TILL I SHOWED HER MY GUN
V-4
SHE READ THE NOTE AND STARTED TO PRAY
NOBODY NOTICED WE QUICKLY WALKED AWAY “Nobody noticed as we rushed away” (Quickly seems to crowds the line)
IT WAS A HOT AFTERNOON THE SKY RAINING SUN ‘On a hot afternoon, the sky rained sun”. (I’m attempting to show to cut words when you can.)
I WAS FEELING THE HEAT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN.
V-5
SHE GOT OUT AT A STORE FOR CIGARETTES AND WINE She got out at a store…for smokes and wine. (I think you have too many syllables in this line.)
SOMETHING WAS WRONG SHE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME “Something went wrong when she went inside” rolls smoother off the tongue.
I HEARD THE GUN FIRE AS HER PLAN CAME UNDONE “I heard the gun as her plan came undone”
SHE RAN OUT IN HEELS SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN “As she ran out in heals. She was just having fun”:
CHORUS:
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE LIKED TO BE FREE
THE FIRE IN HER EYES WAS ALL I COULD SEE
I STARTED FEELING GUILTY FOR WHAT WE HAD DONE “Except me feeling guilty for what we’d done”. Again, “started feeling guilty” seems wordy.
THERE WAS NO END IN SIGHT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN
V-6
ONE DAY SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME NEVER SAID A WORD. I like the word ‘The’ to start this line. Just a thought. Listen to the difference out loud.
HE WAS WAITING OUTSIDE GOODBYE’S ALL I HEARD. “Her new guy was waiting, goodbye’s all I heard” “He” is unclear. What is the listener hearing?
SHE WAS THE ONLY TROUBLE I COULDN’T OUTRUN “only” doesn’t fit the rhythm of the line. I would remove it.
I WATCHED EM’ SPEED AWAY SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN They sped away. She was just having fun. (works better than I watched).
BRIDGE:
LIKE AN ANGEL IN HER EASTER DRESS A QUEEN ON HALOWEEN I was enjoying this lyric a lot, and then this bridge derailed it for me.
SHE WAS THE CUTEST CHEERLEADER ANY TEAM HAD EVER SEEN The first two lines have too many words and though it may be intended as a surprise
ALWAYS DID HER HOMEWORK STAYED IN EVERY NIGHT element. I feel like it needs a lot of work. Why are suddenly hearing about her past?
TRIED TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT If it’s back story, I truly don’t get it.
V-7
THEIR NEXT HOIST WENT WRONG THERE WERE COPS ALL AROUND
SHE TOOK A BULLET TO THE HEAD FELL FLAT ON THE GROUND To the ‘head’ throws the ‘SMILE’ story. I’d try ‘chest” or “heart’ or something.
SHE HAD THAT SMILE ON HER FACE AS HER LIFE SLIPED AWAY As I alluded to, if she had a bullet to the head, she wouldn’t be smiling.
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN ON HER LAST DAY “on her very last day” might be better. The line needs that extra bit.
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE -WAS JUST HAVING FUN
Thank you for submitting this off-beat and interesting song. I really enjoyed it, but I would suggest you take a look at my notes I’ve offered to help cleaning up problem areas I’ve mentioned. If you already have music for it, maybe you’re making the lyrics work by the way you phrase your words, but just reading it without music, it definitely could use a few fixes. And I would consider leaving out the bridge. Good job. Keep writing and submitting. I enjoyed seeing your work.
FIRST PLACE
Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
Verse:
A seamstress old and fragile with motions sure and slow
Commences with a simple cloth and then begins to sew
And over time, the cloth evolves into a lovely form
So beautiful the workmanship, yet lost if never worn
Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread (wardrobes seem stiff here. Maybe just the gift.)
Verse:
The cloth we saw before us plain and ready to be sewn (“plain” squeeze the words at bit.)
Has become a thing of beauty as both of us have grown,
And like the woven fabric, each weave has kept us strong (‘every’
To weather times of hardship, to keep us safe and warm
Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread
Bridge:
So we shall pass to others this gift on us bestowed -
That new threads may be woven and new cloths may be sewed
To create a new beginning - bound by threads of gold
Interlaced with the beauty of life, and hope, and love I would leave out “the” as it doesn’t flow as well with as without.
Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread
From a single common thread ...
Beautiful job. I enjoyed your lyric and appreciate the effort you put into it. I hope you’ll submit to DSA again soon. Your attention to detail is a gift to the reader or listener. I enjoyed the folksy-feel as the story carries through.
Thank you for your submission.
