Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for her comments
2023 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST FINALISTS
FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA
Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland
Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx
FIRST PLACE
FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA
(Verse 1)
In a small hospital room, the air heavy with sorrow.
Loved ones ALL gathered close, NOT sure of tomorrow.
In those final moments, with time slipS away;
we hold on to the memories, as we quietly pray.
(Chorus)
In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.
We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain. PERHAPS “TO GET THROUGH THE PAIN”
We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.
In those final moments, as our grief overflows.
(Verse 2)
We recallING the milestones, the journey we shared.
The dreams we pursued, the burdens we bared.
Through the highs and lows, we stood hand in hand.
In those final moments, we'll forever understand. PRAYERS ALL WE HAD.
(Chorus)
In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.
We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.
We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.
In those final moments, as our grief overflows.
(Bridge)
As we watch you drift away, to a THAT peaceful place;
We find solace in knowing, you'll find eternal grace.
WE FIND SOLACE THAT YOU’RE FINDING … ETERNAL GRACE.
Though our hearts deeply ache, as grief takes us all;
In those final moments, our lives can seem so small.
YOU DON’T REALLY NEED IN THOSE FINAL MOMENTS IN THE BRIDGE.
AND I WOULD SHORTEN IT. I THINK THE FIRST TWO LINES ARE POWERFUL ON THEIR OWN.
AND I BELIEVE THE OUTRO COULD FOLLOW THE BRIDGE NICELY FOR AN ENDING TO THE SONG
AND KEEPING IT SHORT WILL MAKE IT MORE PALITABLE FOR THE SUBJECT MATTER AND FOR COMMERCIAL USE. I could feel the emotions of the song. I think it’s best to keep the lyric as simplified as possible, so the meaning of the lyric remains strong and uncluttered and makes its impact.
(Outro)
In the final moments, as we hold on tight;
There’s comfort in knowing you always walked in light.
Though you are gone, your spirit lives within, MAYBE:, THOUGH YOU’RE GONE, YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON
IN our hearts and our souls…this final moment’s not the end. THAT LAST PHRASE SEEMS REDUNDANT
(Chorus)
In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.
We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.
We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.
In those final moments, our love only grows.
Second Place
Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland
Thoughts for your Chorus:
Broken by war, fear in my heart
Bombs of destruction, tore lives apart … broken by war.
Tears flowing down, my heart’s heavy with pain,
No glimmer of hope, efforts in vain (rearranged with line above)
A country’s humanity, shaken to the core … broken by war
Good ideas and some interesting lines, however, I suggest some re-writing for your chorus which is a bit long and has an awkward rhyme pattern that doesn’t work well.
I would like to see you work a bit more on the whole piece and make an attempt to
change your rhyme scheme. I’ve offered my suggestions above to use or not use as
you see fit. Try to think outside the box a bit and create more visuals if possible, so
the listener goes right to the moment and feels what you want them to feel
Third Place
Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx
When Tammy turned five
Mother said she was like
The Rain Man, curiously slow
Rare bird, wires cross, still perfect soul.
Not the same as us, her wires somehow crossed
She was a rare bird, an imperfect soul
She could be anything she dreamed, anything
Without clipped wings
One day, I found her, crying alone,
Another bad day as part of a joke.
Made to feel dumb, blameless heart was broke.
Bewildered and hurt, being made to feel dumb.
One day when I got home, she was crying all alone
Once again the focus of the joke
The pain of feeling dumb, that thought leaves me numb
Bewildered, her blameless heart was broke
She could be anything she dreamed, anything
Without clipped wings
Cut feathers keep a songbird from flying stronger.
Its true mean words carry weight
Stuck somewhere between, her plumes, they were not preened
She was enough. She’s part of God’s grace
Mean words, cut feathers carry such weight.
But my songbird still
When nightingales sang the music proclaimed
All that she could be
She could be anything she dreamed, anything
Without clipped wings
I wish the whole world could see
She’s the same kind of different as you and me
She could be anything she dreamed, anything
Without clipped wings
Without clipped wings
Without clipped wings
