2023 Winter Lyric Contest - Thanks to judge Michael Brandenberger
First Place - Kingdom Come by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1 PICKED UP A STRAGGLY HITCHIKER ASKED WHERE HE WAS GOING
HE LOOKED UP TO THE SKY HE HAD CARDS HE WASN’T SHOWING
I SAID YOU CAN’T SIT IN THE FRONT THIS TRUCK IS BRAND NEW
AND NO OFFENCE BUT I DON’T WANT THE SEATS TO LOOK LIKE YOU
V-2 I SAID JUMP UP INTO THE PICK-UP BED HOLD ON TO THE SIDE
THIS TRUCK RIDES PRETTY SMOOTH YOU’LL ENJOY THE RIDE
WE STOPED FOR GAS HE SAID HE HADN’T EATEN IN A WHILE
I SAID I HAVE SOME LEFTOVERS AT HOME I SAW A BIG SMILE
V-3 HE ATE THE CHICKEN TO THE BONE THE BEANS DISSAPEARED
HALF THE DESSERT END UP IN HIS RAGED BEARD
I SAID TAKE A SHOWER IF YOU WANT JUST DON’T WET THE FLOOR
SWEAR IT LOOKED LIKE HE WALKED RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR
CHORUS: WALKING BACK TO THE TRUCK I ASKED WHERE HE WAS FROM
HE QUIETLY SAID SOMETHING SOUNDED LIKE KINGDOM COME
I’D NEVER HEARD OF IT AND RATHER THAN PRETEND
I NODDED AND SMILED AND DROVE OFF WITH MY NEW FRIEND
V-4 HE DIDN’T LOOK SO BAD NOW THAT HE WAS CLEANED UP
WHERE CAN I DROP YOU OFF I ASKED HIM IN THE TRUCK
OH IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER WHERE I’M GOING TO
WHEREVER I GO THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO DO
V-5 HE GOT OFF NEAR THE POST OFFICE SMILED AND SAID GOODBYE
I MISSED HIM RIGHT AWAY I JUST DIDN’T KNOW WHY
WHEN I GOT BACK HOME I CLEANED UP AND FOUND A NOTE
AND A TICKET WITH MY NAME AND A DATE THAT HE WROTE
CHORUS: WALKING BACK TO THE TRUCK I ASKED WHERE HE WAS FROM
HE QUIETLY SAID SOMETHING SOUNDED LIKE KINGDOM COME
I’D NEVER HEARD OF IT AND RATHER THAN PRETEND
I NODDED AND SMILED AND DROVE OFF WITH MY NEW FRIEND
OUTRO: I PUT THE TICKET ON MY SHELF WITH THE NOTE FROM MY FRIEND
HE WROTE YOU WILL BE REWARDED WHEN WE MEET AGAIN
Judges Comment
This is a story song that does a very good job of creating interest from the beginning by talking about "cards he (a stranger) wasn't showing". The song creates a very good emotional impact and appeal by building on its story about a mysterious stranger who appears homeless. The phrasing is good and the form is excellent with almost near perfect rhymes though out the song. The hook/song title appears on the second line of the chorus, which is a little weak, but it could be strengthened by moving the chorus to follow the second verse and then repeating the chorus after each of the other verses.
Second Place - Sticks and Stones by Harri Wolf and Michael RJ Roth, Novato, CA
V1
There’s a shrine on the side of the road
The place where someone departed
Painfully loved as the story is told
By one she had left brokenhearted
V2
There’s another a few miles down
His cross is decked out in flowers
Propped up by fragments of coyote bones
Sticks and stones the years will devour
(Ch)
Sticks and stones and fragments of bone
Scattered by wind, withered by time
But those flowers that show up fresh every day
Promise that love is alive.
V3
A poppy displays where another had gone
Sheltered by a cold northern sky
There’s a column of trees reaching up to the sun
Handrails to the great by and by.
(Ch)
Sticks and stones and fragments of bone
Scattered by wind, withered by time
But those flowers that show up fresh every day
Promise that love is alive.
Judges Comment
This song has good emotional impact in the way it deals with commemorative crosses along highways. The hook/title is set up in the last line of the second verse and then in the first line of the following chorus which is a good technique, but a more emotional hook/title might be to use the last line of the chorus "Promise That Love is Alive". Overall, the song has good appeal, focus and phrasing and a very good rhyme scheme.
Third Place - Sunset by Jim Aitken, Kilmarnock, Scotland
V1
Got tired, of living lonely, and rocking, by the cabin door
Took many years, to find that seam, but knew I yearned for more
So I rode into the Sunset, to the life I’d always planned
And built a Hacienda on a real nice piece of land
Out of the light of the Sunset, I saw her standing there
As Sunset lit the valley, great music filled the air
V2
Marita gestured took my hand and led me to the floor
We danced & danced till Sunset: A Love like none before
We were married springtime in the little church, on the hill
Within a year, had cause to cheer as Catalina blessed our world…blessed our world
Br
Three happy years we lived for the day
Attended the little church, and pray
We walked the valleys, as Catalina grew
Among the wonders of Nature, from early morning dew….Morning dew
Three years we shared our Sunset, and revelled in the view
And watched our beautiful Sunset, disappear from view
V3
An epidemic swept the town, Marita fell real ill
For three long days that fever raged: she lay there, sore and still
Then, “Take me out to the porch now”, Marita softly said
So I carried her wrapped in a blanket, and gently raised her head….Raised her head
Closed her eyes, as her glorious Sun Set, for the very, last time
Shed a tear as Marita’s Sun Set, for the very, very, last time
(Short, Sad Instrumental)
V4
Now, I’m more lonely, than rocking by the cabin door
Lost the Love, I briefly had: Ne’er felt, such pain before
But Marita lives within us, for true love never dies
And her stone looks O’er the valley, towards the evening sky…Evening sky
Where the three of us, share the Sunset; Catalina on my knee
And Forever, share her Sunset: The way it was meant, to be.
And Forever, share her Sunset: The way, it was meant, to be.
Judges Comment
This song has good emotional impact in relating a story about love found and then lost through sickness. It has good originality, appeal, focus and and phrasing. While the form contains a good rhyming scheme but it it lacks a definitive chorus that contains the hook/title. However, there are some good lines about the Sunset that could be developed into a good chorus
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