WINTER LC 2022 WINNERS
1ST PLACE: WEDDING DAY by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
2ND PLACE: CITY OF STONE by Eric Douglas, Gilbert, AZ
3RD PLACE: SINGLE MOM by Robert Ehlert, Carrollton, Tx
FIRST PLACE 2022
“WEDDING DAY” by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1 I CAME TO BE here WITH YOU ON YOUR WEDDING DAY
TRY AS I MIGHT I COULDN’T STAY AWAY. Tried hard as I could, but I couldn’t stay away.
DON’T WORRY YOU WON’T SEE ME OR even KNOW I’M THERE here,
I COVERED UP MY FACE AND PUT A WIG UP ON MY HAIR Shaved my mustache, even darkened up my hair.
CHORUS: THE WEATHER”S PICTURE wedding day is PERFECT… SUNSHINE RAINING DOWN
BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT. Not a single cloud around.
I GUESS at least in one way IN SOME WAY MY DREAM is coming HAS COME TRUE
‘Cause I’M HERE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY I’M JUST NOT the one WITH YOU
V-2 I SEE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE Remember THEY WERE my friends MINE TOO
I WONDER IF THEY’re THINKing I SHOULD BE THE ONE WITH YOU
YOU LOOK LIKE just AN ANGEL SO PRETTY IN YOUR GOWN
I’M HERE AT THE CHURCH BUT I WON’T STAY stick AROUND
CHORUS: THE WEATHER”S PICTURE wedding day is PERFECT… SUNSHINE RAINING DOWN
BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT. Not a single cloud around.
I GUESS at least in one way IN SOME WAY MY DREAM is coming HAS COME TRUE
‘Cause I’M HERE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY I’M JUST NOT the one WITH YOU
V-3I WATCH YOU It’s hard as you walk WALKING DOWN THE ISLE SMILING HOLDING HANDS
JUST LIKE THE WAY YOU AND I had ALWAYS PLANNED
THIS ISN’T Watching it’s not ISN”T EASY FOR ME BUT I’LL BE OK I’m gonna make it through.
I’M GLAD YOU CAN’T didn’t SEE ME WHAT WORDS COULD YOU SAY I wonder what you’d say do.
BRIDGE: It’s hard as you walk down the isle, smiling holding hands … just like you and I had planned.
It’s hard watching you… but I;m gonna make it through, But If you saw me, wonder what you’d do.
CHORUS
Lyric Judge Note: I love the concept, the story.
Now, having said that, you’ll notice that I’ve crossed through words and adjusted lines and added my thoughts about how those lines could flow more smoothly. On a few, I’ve adjusted the meaning. The only line that I 100% think should be changed is the fourth line in the first verse. I just cannot see a guy in real life, donning a wig, and how would he ever cover up his face without drawing more attention to himself …a mask? This isn’t a Covid song. I hope my suggestions will help you make your lyric even better. If you’ve already mastered the song, and it’s streaming, okay. It’s still a good song, but if there’s still an opportunity to make some changes, I’m here to support your goals: Take some of my lyric tips; make the third verse into a bridge with a variation of the main melody; and use the title in the chorus. I’ve suggested that the title be in both the first and fourth lines of the chorus. It will stand a better chance of being a hit song. Thank you for your submission to DSA. In the future, I hope to see more of your submssions to the lyric contest, and I definitely look forward to hearing your recording of Wedding Day. I wish you the best.
Alexis
2ND PLACE:
CITY OF STONE by Eric Douglas, Gilbert, AZ
The barber shop is closed
The diner’s disappeared
The movie marquee
Hasn’t changed in a year
There’s silence on the street
A rumble of regret. ( THEN A GRUMBLE OF REGRET)
Red light turns to green
Goes right back to red. (GOES QUICKLY BACK TO RED)
CHORUS
City of stone, the memory’s frozen. (A MEMORY FROZE)
We march in time but we walk alone
I dreamed we were still together
But I woke up in the city of stone
We were looking to the future
We were walking hand in hand
But sunset came too quickly
Cast a shadow on our plans
These are not the streets
The streets we used to know
I recognize the buildings
But this is not my home
CHORUS
City of stone, the memory’s frozen
We march in time but we walk alone
I dreamed we were still together
But I woke up in the city of stone
BRIDGE
We are wandering, we have lost our way
We are strangers though we know each other’s names
We look for clues, we trace our tracks
But there’s nothing left, just ancient artifacts
NOT SURE ANCIENT IS NECESSARY HERE & HURTS THE FLOW.
CHORUS
City of stone, the memory’s frozen
We march in time but we walk alone
I dreamed we were still together
But I woke up in the city of stone
Where the memory’s gone, the promise is broken (AND THE PROMISE BROKE)
Where the wind cuts to the bone
I dreamed we sailed to heaven
But I woke up in the city of stone
JUDGE'S COMMENTS:
I ENJOYED YOUR IDEAS HERE AND WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU TO TWEAK THIS JUST A BIT MORE...PERHAPS USING A FEW NOTES I'VE MADE. THE STORY IS RELATABLE AND FLOWS PRETTY WELL THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUBMISSION. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING MORE OF YOUR WORK. ALEXIS
3rd Place
Single Mom by Robert Ehlert, Carrollton, Tx
She’s a single mom
Facing double jeopardy
A Triple threat to fail
If her old man’s lands in jail.
You’d think she’d know by now
You might replace your 1st line with:
She’s seen it all by now.
Her type She’s face(d) some rigid rules
She Rolling with no backup plan
This Life won’t suffer fools
And Then before you she know(s) it,
Before you get the feel
Fate has ambused all her dreams
And life is taking you her way downhill.
Send you for It’s an ugly spill This line doesn’t add anything to the story and seems unnecessary.
She drives the car you gave away
Shops SNAP and second-hand
Loves her kids like a Mama Bear
Does it all without a man
Some are widowed, some abused
The objects of his wrath
It’d be nice if you took Maybe we should notice
What if you we were on this path?
And before you knew it. Check verb tenses here to make sure you’re consistent.
before you got the feel
Fate did ambush all your dreams. . . .
Life did take you way downhill
Send you for an ugly spill
And you’re a Single Mom
facing double jeopardy
A triple threat to fail
If your old man’s in jail
Bridge
Reach out, reach out
She needs more than sympathy
Help her family close the gap
Shower them with checkbook empathy
This last line seems odd to me. Perhaps “Even offer her some money.”
Or “Maybe slip the mom some money”.
Then before you know it
before you get the feel
Fate may ambush all your dreams. . . .
Life can take you way down hill
Send you for an ugly spill
Judge’s comments:
I appreciate your point of the lyric and there’s some good work here. I would suggest you give it some more attention…perhaps take some of my suggestions for cleaning up the story some for clarity and better flow of your lines. I personally do not like the line, “send you for an ugly spill”. It doesn’t live up to the rest of the lyric. The lyric is a little too long in my opinion. If I were you, I’d take the best lines and edit for a more get to the point story. I would enjoy seeing this lyric entered again in with some corrections. Thank you for your entry. Alexis
