SEMIFINALISTS
Fishing Alone by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Ships, Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy by Martin Robley, West Leeds, Australia
Will There Ever Be a Break of Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
WINNERS
1. Fishing Alone by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
2. Ships, Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy by Martin Robley, West Leeds, Australia
3. Will There Ever Be a Break of Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
4. Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
First Place: Fishing Alone by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
V-1 WE WENT FISHING EVERY WEEKEND SHE PACKED LUNCH I TOOK THE BAIT
DROVE THE TRUCK DOWN TO THE DOCK WE COULD HARDLY WAIT
SHE SMILED WHEN SHE CAUGHT A FISH GAVE THEM ALL A NAME
TALKED ABOUT EACH ONE TO ME THEY LOOKED THE SAME
V-2 I ALWAYS TRIED TO PLEASE HER BROUGHT HOME ROSES AND FUN STUFF
BUT SOMETHING WAS FADING I SAW THAT FLOWERS WERE NOT ENOUGH
SHE DIDN’T SIT SO CLOSE ANYMORE HER SMILE NOT SO BRIGHT
LAYING IN BED HOPING WE MIGHT SHE ROLLED OVER AND SAID GOODNIGHT
CHORUS: I TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW MAYBE I COULD MAKE HER STAY
BUT IN THE END SHE SAID GOODBYE MY FRIEND AND WALKED AWAY
I COULDN’T STAND THE LONELINESS THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME
SO I TOOK THE BOAT OUT BY MYSELF AND WENT FISHING ALONE
V-3 WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER I THOUGHT WE ALWAYS WOULD
I’D RELIVE EVERY DAY WITH HER NOW IF I ONLY COULD
NO ONE HAD TO SAY IT WE KNEW OUR TIME WAS DONE
OUR SHIP HAD SAILED AWAY IT JUST RAN OUT OF FUN
CHORUS: I TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW HOPING TO MAKE HER STAY
BUT IN THE END SHE SAID GOODBYE MY FRIEND AND WALKED AWAY
I COULDN’T STAND THE LONELINESS THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME
SO I TOOK THE BOAT OUT BY MYSELF AND WENT FISHING ALONE
OUTRO: AS THE SUN RAINED DOWN ON ME I GAZED OUT ON THE BAY
THOUGHT OF THE FISHING SHE WAS MISSING AND THE LOVE THAT GOT AWAY
CHORUS: I TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW HOPING TO MAKE HER STAY
BUT IN THE END SAID GOODBYE MY FRIEND AND SHE WALKED AWAY
I COULDN’T STAND THE LONELINESS THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME
SO I TOOK THE BOAT OUT BY MYSELF AND WENT FISHING ALONE
- JUDGES COMMENTS
(Please note that my suggestions for tweaking your lyric are in red.)
“FISHING ALONE “
V-1. WE WENT FISHING EVERY WEEKEND.
SHE PACKED LUNCH; I TOOK THE BAIT.
DROVE THE TRUCK DOWN TO THE DOCK,
Where wE COULD HARDLY WAIT.
V-2. Every fish she caught, she’d smile
And give each one A NAME (shorten for rhythm)
TALKED as if she knew them…
to me, THEY LOOKED THE SAME
CHORUS: I ALWAYS TRIED TO PLEASE HER…
BROUGHT her ROSES home AND STUFF
but SOMETHING started FADING
and FLOWERS WEREN’T ENOUGH
TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW
To try and MAKE HER STAY
BUT IN THE END GOODBYE
Was all she had to say
V-4. SHE DIDN’T SIT SO CLOSE then
HER SMILE was NOT SO BRIGHT
In bed, I’d try to touch her,
SHE’d ROLL OVER, SAy GOODNIGHT
V-5. I COULDN’T STAND THE LONEly
THAT FILLED OUR EMPTY HOME
SO I TOOK THE BOAT MYSELF
AND WENT FISHING all ALONE
This could be your bridge.): WE’d done EVERYTHING TOGETHER
I THOUGHT WE ALWAYS WOULD
I’D RELIVE those days forever
IF I ONLY COULD
CHORUS:
OUTRO: AS THE SUN RAINED DOWN ON ME,
I GAZED OUT ON THE BAY
THOUGHT OF FISHING SHE WAS MISSING
AND THE one THAT GOT AWAY
Additional Note: I thought I’d toss out a different title to consider. “The One That Got Away”
Second Place: Ships, Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy by Martin Robley, West Leeds, Australia
Fumbles for a lucky strike
Out of matches
Out of luck
No place to stay the night
Bargain store smile on a low rent hustler
Hitting on some local guy
Smell of whisky
Smell of fear
Her chance has passed her by
Nocturnal waifs, homeless hard luck stories
Huddled snug in their overcoats
The late shift flunkies
Caffeine junkies
Life’s debris sinks or floats
Chorus:
Every face tells a story
Every sigh, every grin
Life passes away
The time of day
While they’re waiting for their ships to come in
Vietnam vet hides his war wounds within
Struggles for a reason why
Out of answers
Out of work
No tears there left to cry
Fugitive stares out an undressed window
Neon bleeds the pavement red
Tired of running
Tired of life
Too tired to go to bed
Chorus:
Every face tells a story
Every sigh, every grin
Life passes away
The time of day
While they’re waiting for their ships to come in
Bridge:
‘In The Wee Small Hours All Nite Diner’
Just the wrong side of the tracks
It’s a refuge for the cold and the lonely
It’s a haven for insomniacs
Chorus:
Every face tells a story
I know mine’s all shades of grim
Life passes away
The time of day
While they’re waiting for their ships to come in
Yes every face tells a story
Every sigh, every grin
Life passes away
The time of day
While we’re waiting for our ships to come in
We’re all waiting… for our ships to come in
Entry #2: Ships - Nicotine stains on the bloodshot cowboy - JUDGES COMMENTS
(Your title is descriptive but doesn’t sum up your lyrics. Consider something like: “Every Face Tells a Story” or “Waiting Their Ship to Come In”.
I’ll start my critique and suggestions by addressing that there was a line missing in the first stanza, so it didn’t match the other verses. I’ve suggested first line at the beginning.)
(Simple pleasures? Hardly ever.)
Fumbling for a lucky strike.
Out of matches. Out of luck.
(Got) no place to stay the night.
(Dime) store smile, low rent hustler. (Bargain’s 2 syllables threw off the rhythm and meter, so I suggest ‘dime’ store instead.)
Hitting on some local guy.
Smells of whisky. Smells of fear.
(Her last) chance (just) passed her by.
Nocturnal waifs and hard luck stories (condense, too wordy)
Huddled underneath (thin) coats. (I wonder if they’re snug and warm coats or ‘thin’.)
Late shift flunkies. Caffeine junkies.
(Lost souls sinking, trying to float.) (Try to get all your thoughts in without losing your rhythm or cadence. Speak your lyrics out loud over and over until you find what fits in a line without crowding. Think of alternate words that don’t change your meaning.)
Chorus:
Every face tells a story.
Every sigh (and hollow) grin. (Google similar words for alt ways to describe your story’s picture.)
(Life keeps dragging on each day)
Waiting (their) ship to come in. (I suggest shortening this line for flow & it makes the point.)
(A) Vietnam Vet wars within. (I suggest shortening this line for flow & it makes the point.)
Struggles for a reason why.
Out of answers. Out of work.
No tears left (in him) to cry.
(Fugitive stares out the window).
Neon bleeds the pavement red.
Tired of running. Tired of living.
Too (strung out) to go to bed.
Bridge:
‘In Wee Hours, All Nite Diner’ (Suggesting shortening of the line like this for flow.)
(On) the wrong side of the tracks.
It’s a refuge for the lonely, (I suggest shortening this line for flow & it makes the point.)
Haven for insomniacs. (Same here.)
Chorus:
Every face tells a story.
Every sigh (and pseudo) grin. (Another descriptive choice for the grin. Think about your meter when choosing words. If it doesn’t flow, try a different word. )
(Life keeps dragging on each day)
Waiting their ship to come in (Once again, shortening this line helps the flow & still draws a picture.)
Chorus:
Every face tells a story.
I know mine’s all shades of grim.
(Life keeps dragging on each day)
Waiting some ship to come in.
Waiting some ship to come in.
(The above lyric has good bones, however, meter suffered from too many words in some lines. Try eliminating extraneous words and get down to the meat to make it more commercial. It might be too long. I hope you’ll take my suggestions, work on this lyric some more, and resubmit it. You’ve offered some pretty good visuals.)
Third Place: Will There Ever Be a Break of Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA
How will I ever find the break of day
When you have taken all my sunshine away
Guess I’ll take a deep dive into my soul
Sing a dirge to beautiful loners
Under the stars, I slept with God
Oh, she was so damn beautiful
I poured her a cup of moonlight
We laid down softly in the pines
Losing ourselves in the dark of the night
Slugging it out with our fright
Under the stars, I slept with God
Oh, she was so damn beautiful
I tried so hard, but failed even harder
You cannot put out the fire
If you are fanning all of the flames
Will there ever be a break of day?
Under the stars, I slept with God
Oh, she was so damn beautiful
Entry #10: Will There Ever Be a Break of Day - JUDGES COMMENTS
I feel like you’ve done a lot of rhyming for the sake of rhyming, but your chorus is good. I would suggest working on singing it or speaking it aloud to try to make your lyrics more conversational and still make your point. After a bit of work, I suggest you resubmit this. I’d like to see your efforts.
#20: On the Day. (I’ve offered suggestions below. Please work on correcting rhyme patterns and length of lines for proper flow. The repetition may work here, but overall, I feel like you could work on the rhythm of the lines. The feeling of the song may touch someone if you continue to work on drawing pictures with your words. Think of some details to share about your personal experience and bring them into the mix.)
On the day I lost my lover and my best friend. (I would lose “same”)
On the day my heart simply fell apart
On the day I cried because I (felt completely) lost
My lover and my best, my lover and my best, my lover and my very best friend, oh
How sad is the night sky without any stars, oh
How sad (when a rainbow leaves the sky) , oh
How sad is the darkness without any hope, (leave off light)
Without any hope, without any hope, without any hope for light, oh
How sad is the sunset sinking into the sea, oh
How sad (when a flower dies of thirst), oh
How sad is (a teardrop with no one to dry),
With no one to dry, with no one to dry, with no one to dry my eyes
On the day I lost my lover and my best friend
On the day my heart simply fell apart
On the day I cried because I (felt completely) lost
My lover and my best, my lover and my best, my lover and my very best friend
Fourth Place: Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Entry # :
V-1 LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA A TASTE OF HEAVEN ON EARTH
SUNNY SKIES SANDY BEACHES A GRAND DISPLAY OF WEALTH
NATURE BLESSED YOU WITH YOUR WEATHER SUN SMILED DOWN ON YOU
PALM TREES PRANCE IN A GENTLE DANCE AGAINST THE OCEAN BLUE
V-2 NOW YOUR BUILDINGS SCARRED WITH GRAFFITI THE SKY NO LONGER RAINS
ONLY SHUTTERED STORES BROKEN HEARTS AND WITHERED TREES REMAIN
MOVIE STARS IN IMPORTED CARS LEAVING MANSIONS IN THE HILLS
RUNNING FROM A CITY UNDONE AND OVERSIZED TAX BILLS
CHORUS: LOST ANGELES - LOST ANGELES NOW EVEN YOUR STATUES CRY
TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS DIE
CITY OF ANGLES OUR CITY OF ANGELS NOW WHERE DID YOU GO
THE TOWN THAT REMAINS IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW
V-3 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE 401 NOW A ONE WAY RIDE OUT OF TOWN
THE ON- GOING PLIGHT TO FLEE AT NIGHT WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND
EVEN FANCY HOLLYWOOD HILLS WITH THEIR ICONIC SIGN
IS JUST ANOTHER FADING SYMBOL BEING LEFT BEHIND
CHORUS: LOST ANGELES - LOST ANGELES NOW EVEN YOUR STATUES CRY
TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS DIE
CITY OF ANGELS OUR CITY OF ANGELS NOW WHERE DID YOU GO
THE TOWN THAT REMAINS IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW
V-4 NO MORE FANCY CARS AND CROWDED BARS JUST DIRTY EMPTY STREETS
CIGARETTE BUTS AND CARDBOARD HUTS WHERE THE HOMELESS SLEEP
YOU SLIPPED AND FELL INTO A LIVING HELL MUST BE A BETTER WAY
SAVE OUR TOWN TURN THINGS AROUND MAKE US WANT TO STAY
CHORUS: LOST ANGELES - LOST ANGELES NOW EVEN YOUR STATUES CRY
TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS DIE
CITY OF ANGLES OUR CITY OF ANGELS NOW WHERE DID YOU GO
THE TOWN THAT REMAINS IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW
2 YOU’RE PICTURE PERFECT HOUSES WITH MANICURED LAWNS
NOW SIT VACANT AND OVERGROWN THEIR OWNERS LONG GONE
V-
DESPERATE CALLS FOR HELP FALL ON DEAF EARS
THE SOUNDS OF SUFFERING NO ONE SEEMS TO HEAR
Lost Angeles - Lost Angeles. - JUDGES COMMENTS
V-1 LA, CALIFORNIA A TASTE OF HEAVEN ON EARTH,
SUNNY SKIES and BEACHES, A GRAND DISPLAY OF WEALTH.
NATURE BLESSED your WEATHER. SUN SMILED DOWN ON YOU,
PALM TREES PRANCE a GENTLE DANCE AGAINST THE OCEAN BLUE.
V-2 NOW GRAFFITI SCARS YOUR BUILDINGS. THE SKY NO LONGER RAINS.
SHUTTERED STORES, BROKEN HEARTS, WITHERED TREES REMAIN
MOVIE STARS, IN IMPORTED CARS LEAVE MANSIONS IN THE HILLS
RUNNING FROM LA and OVERSIZED TAX BILLS
CHORUS:
LOS ANGELES - LOST city: YOUR STATUES even CRY
TEARS SPILL DOWN ON THIRSTY GROUND AS HOPES AND DREAMS (ALL) DIE (check your rhythm.)
CITY OF (THE) ANGLES: WHERE’d your angels GO?
WHAT REMAINS of LA IS A PLACE I DON’T KNOW (speak your lines to check meter, rhythm and emphasis of each line.)
V-3 NO FANCY CARS AND CROWDED BARS… JUST DIRTY EMPTY STREETS
CIGARETTE BUTS, CARDBOARD HUTS WHERE HOMELESS live and SLEEP
YOU (cut words) FELL INTO A LIVING HELL MUST BE A BETTER WAY
SAVE OUR TOWN, TURN THINGS AROUND, MAKE US WANT TO STAY (to present your lyric in its best light, I suggest including punctuation where it is really necessary to the reading.)
V-4 YOU’RE PICTURE PERFECT HOUSES WITH MANICURED LAWNS
OVERGROWN and VACANT THEIR OWNERS LONG GONE
DESPERATE CALLS FOR HELP FALL ON DEAF EARS
THE SOUNDS OF SUFFERING calls. NO ONE SEEMS TO HEAR
I suggest making this your BRIDGE:
(cut words) NOW THE 401’s A ONE WAY, (STRAIGHT ON) OUT OF TOWN
THE NEWEST PLIGHT’s TO FLEE AT NIGHT WHEN NO ONE’S AROUND
HOLLYWOOD, your HILLS WITH THEIR ICONIC SIGN
(cut words) ANOTHER FADING SYMBOL, BEING LEFT BEHIND
CHORUS
