DSA 2024 SUMMER/SPRING LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS

 2024 Spring/Summer Lyric Contest Results:

Hi.  This is Alexis.  I’ve been judging the lyric contest for quite a few years now,
and this quarter, there were some very good entries which, which honestly,
made my job a bit harder.  Choosing the best of the entries came down to
focusing on the usual: clearly defined structure requirements such as rhyme
pattern, meter, hook, message, originality, and whether the lyric moved me.
I also like to see the lyric fulfill its message.  Here are my top 3 picks.



1st: “ SAID A FATHER TO HIS SON ” by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
2nd: “The Bloody Years (a true story ...)” by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
3rd: “Hold My Beer” by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA



1st: “  SAID  A  FATHER  TO  HIS  SON ” by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

           V-1  WHEN THAT BOY STEPPED ON THE BUS SOMETHING CAUGHT MY EYE
                   HE LOOKED JUST LIKE ME AND I GUESSED THE REASON WHY
                   FATE SAT US SIDE BY SIDE HIS NOSE SHAPED LIKE MINE
                   IT WAS LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR GOING BACK IN TIME

           V-2  I SLOWLY TURNED MY HEAD LOOKED AT HIS EYES
                   WONDERED TO MYSELF HAD HIS MOTHER FILLED HIM WITH LIES
                    I COULD BE THE FATHER HE NEVER GOT TO SEE
                    KNOWING THAT HIS MOTHER NEVER MENTIONED ME
 
CHORUS:  SHE WAS PREGNANT I WAS HAPPY TIL SHE FELL FOR SOMEONE NEW
                     OUR LIFE TOGETHER OVER THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO
                     SHE SAID SHE’D TELL HIM THE BABY WAS HIS, IF I’D JUST GO AWAY
                     IT BROKE MY HEART TO LEAVE IT WOULD BE TOO HARD TO STAY

             V-3  I CAME BACK TO TOWN YEARS LATER TO SEE WHAT I WOULD FIND
                     MAKE AMMENDS SEE OLD FRIENDS AND WHAT I LEFT BEHIND
                      I FOUND WHAT I CAME LOOKING FOR RIGHT THERE ON THE BUS
                      THE WHOLE WORLD DISSAPEARED IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF US

             V-4  WE RODE ALONG IN SILENCE, CHECKING EACH OTHER OUT
                     HE COULD SEE WHAT I DID THERE WAS NO LONGER DOUBT
                      I GOT OFF THE BUS TO HIDE MY TEARS SHAKEN AND SAD
                      FELT THE STARE UPON MY BACK HE KNEW I WAS HIS DAD

CHORUS:  SHE WAS PREGNANT I WAS HAPPY TIL SHE FELL FOR SOMEONE NEW
                     OUR LIFE TOGETHER OVER THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO
                     SHE SAID SHE’D TELL HIM THE BABY WAS HIS IF I’D JUST GO AWAY
                     IT BROKE MY HEART TO LEAVE IT WOULD BE TOO HARD TO STAY

  OUTRO:  MY QUESTIONS WERE ALL ANSWERED NOW HIS HAD JUST BEGUN
                    GOODBYE WITH OUT A WORD SAID A FATHER TO HIS SON

I found this lyric appealing, because it told a story I hadn’t heard before.  This slice of a man’s
life is direct but not over-sentimentalized.  The story also gave me a brief look at the secondary
character’s point of view which balanced the “it’s all about me” aspect of such a complex story.  
Though I found some of the main character’s verbiage a bit harsh, it’s his story, and it rings true.  
The only change I would suggest is in the second verse.  I would prefer “I wondered if his mother….”

It’s not necessary to the story, but if the Chorus rhyme pattern was A-B-A-B rather than AA-BB,
it wouldn’t change the message and might allow some variety in the rhyme scheme.  If the writer
should decide to make that change, the second line ‘she’ could be left off and could start with
the line: ‘Said she’d tell him’.  As it’s written, ‘she’ is mentioned four times in the chorus.  

Lastly, I enjoyed that this outro left us wondering how the son would process his awakening.  
I appreciated that this lyricist took the focus off the main character and left me wondering
about the son and how he might handle this revelation.  

2nd: “The Bloody Years (a true story ...)” by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx

The war was over, except for the losing, but hatred was flooding its banks
Bill Taylor had friended the rebels, Bill Sutton served with the Yanks

Sutton got a deputy badge by a crooked sheriff, he had an eye on settling the score
By eighteen hundred sixty five, most felt lucky to be alive, but Bill Sutton - he wanted more     

His right hand men were Dobie and Cotton, with means streaks and blazing fast guns
They'd string up a slave if he worked for a rebel or kill a grey coat for fun  
             
There'd been dustups before but the gas met the match at a Dewitt County house on the plain                    
When Taylor's two brother's in law were shot dead and horse dragged by Sutton's gang

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

For fourteen years the feud raged on with nearly 300 dead by gun or rope
Neither Taylors nor Suttons dared to be alone, neither family met eyes or spoke

The two patriarchs - met on a steamer at Indianola's port of call
With his wife beside him and his best friend, Bill Sutton was ready to draw

He heard a shout -  "You've killed your last Taylor", then saw a Smith and Wesson flame
He pushed his wife away, but on that day Sutton took one to the heart, one to the brain

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

Down in Dewitt County there still lays the graves of many from battle that ensued
The history is written on the crumbling tombstones  'bout the Taylor-Sutton feud

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came  close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor/Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

War’s near over, ‘cept for losing, but hatred floods its banks
Bill Taylor friends the rebels, Bill Sutton serves the Yanks

A crooked sheriff, deputizing Bill, with eye to settle scores
Eighteen hundred sixty-five, Bill Sutton is alive but wanting more     

His right-hand men, Dobie … Cotton, real mean with blazing guns
They string up slaves working for rebels and kill grey coats just for fun  
             
Gas meets match in Dewitt County one day out on the plain                    
Taylor's brother's-in-laws shot dead, horse dragged by Sutton's gang

People heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys.  Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years

For fourteen years the feud’s raged on, near 300 dead
No Taylors or Suttons dare be alone, or so it’s said.

Two patriarchs meet on a steamer port of call
With his wife and friend beside him, Bill Sutton stands to draw

He hears a shout - "You've killed your final Taylor" as a Smith and Wesson flames
Pushes his wife away, Sutton takes one to the heart and to the brain

Most people heard of Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys – Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years

Down in Dewitt County lay the graves of battles that ensued
History’s written on the tombstones 'bout the legend of …. the Taylor-Sutton feud

Most people heard of Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys.  Hear the women cry …  South Texas Bloody Years

I enjoyed this historical lyric, but I do have a few suggestions for improvement
and have included my take on it by moving the story into present tense.  Also,
the meter and pacing struggle throughout the original version, I assume due to
the writer’s attempt to “squeeze in” every piece of information that he or she can.  
Sometimes, as writers, we just need to give up some pieces to have a more listenable
song.   In my suggested version, I’ve simplified the story for the listener.  I also feel
this gives the chorus a hook:  “Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years” and
put the tears on the women who were likely the ones crying.  I think the children go
without saying.  This also slightly shortens the lyric which makes it more palatable.
The point is still made.  It was a bad feud.  I suggest this writer always read and
re-read the lyrics aloud until the words flow easily.  If they don’t keep working on
them until they do.  Good story.  Thank you for the submission.  


3rd: “Hold My Beer” by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA
    
(VERSE 1)
We were all over at Bobby’s for our regular weekend unwind.
He’d built an adult sized slip-n-slide on a very steep incline.
Someone dared ole Bubba to go on and give it a try.
He didn’t need much provoking, he’s a very unstable guy.
Yeah, Bubba didn’t look too steady, that much was clear.
Bobby said, “Bubba you’re up,” and Bubba said, “HERE. Hold my beer.”

(CHORUS)    
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
Something ‘bout a dare on beer disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
“Hold my beer,” usually LIKELY ends with a trip to IN the emergency room.

(VERSE 2)
Bubba took a running start and let out a yell.
It looked like he was having fun, far as we could tell.
Then ole Bubba went airborne when he hit the first dip. (HITTING THAT FIRST DIP)
He must ‘a been doing 50 when he started to flip.
Well Bubba HE was all contorted when he planted in the ground.
I knew from the looks of things, we were “E-R” bound.

(CHORUS)    
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
“Hold my beer,” usually ends with a trip to the emergency room.

(VERSE 3)
The ‘doc’ said, “Bubba’s fine,” but to us the jury’s still out.
It’s a miracle he survived, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
We went in to visit. HIM.   His thinking still wasn’t clear.
He just looked around the room and asked, “Who’s got my beer?”

(FINAL CHORUS)
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
Yeah, hold my beer and watch this! ...weekend can’t get her too soon!
Hold my beer and watch this…see you next Saturday at noon.

I FOUND THIS LYRIC HUMOROUS AND PROBABLY PRETTY ACCURATE.  I HAVE ADDED SUGGESTIONS
AND CROSSED THROUGH WORDS THAT THROW THE METER OFF.   I HAVEN’T HEARD THE SONG PERFORMED,
BUT IT’S CLEVER AND I THINK IT WILL SING BETTER WITH THESE CHANGES.  I WANT TO ENCOURAGE
THE WRITER TO READ THE LYRICS ALOUD WITHOUT MUSIC OVER AND OVER UNTIL THE WORDS FLOW
SMOOTHLY.  IF THEY DON’T, IT’S PROBABLY BEST TO REARRANGE SOME THINGS OR CUT THE FAT.  
THANK YOU FOR THE SUBMISSION.

Dallas Songwriters Association appreciates your entries.
Keep ‘em coming.  Until next time, keep writing your stories.
Alexis Tapp
DSA Lyric Judge

DSA LYRIC CONTEST WINTER 2024 WINNERS

                                         Judging by Alexis Tapp

SEMIFINALISTS

Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
Whispers Of The Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
She Was Just Having Fun by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx

WINNERS
1. Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
2.  SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
3. Whispers of the Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
4. Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ

FOURTH PLACE
Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ

(Verse 1)
In the quiet of the dawn, as the world awakes,
I find myself wandering, for my heart's sake.
Through the whispering pines, and down by the creek.
I hear your laughter in every word I speak.

(Chorus)
It's the echoes of your name that keep me whole,
The warmth of your memory, the fire in my soul.
In this world of shadows, you're my guiding light, (You’re the song in my heart … a poem in my mind.)
My love, my beacon, through the darkest night.  ( My love, my muse, you’re my guiding light,)

(Verse 2)
Beneath the vast Texas sky, I lay me down,
Your image in the stars, in the heavens found.
The moon shares your smile, the wind, your caress,
In the arms of the night, I find my rest.

(Chorus) ( It is best to keep your choruses the same, so I’ve suggested a merge above.)
It's the echoes of your name that call me back,
To the days of our youth, on that forgotten track.
You're the song in my heart, the poetry in my mind,
My love, my muse, forever intertwined.

(Bridge)
In the solitude of my mind, where your voice still rings, ( In the quiet night, where you voice still rings)
I find solace in the pain and the joy it brings. ( Oh, those gentle tones … and the joy they bring.)
Each tear tat fall, like rain from above. (Each tear that falls, like rain from above,)
Waters the seeds of our undying love. (Waters the seeds of our undying love.) 

(My suggestion is to cut words.
Simplify & keep it positive.)
 

(Verse 3)
As the seasons change and the years roll by,  (As season’s change and the years roll by, )
My heart remains yours under this wide Texas sky. (My heart is yours ‘neath the wide Texas sky.)
Through every storm and calm, in every breath I take, ( Every storm and calm, every breath I take,)
I carry you with me with every step I make. ( I will carry you …every step I make.)
 

(Outro)
So here's to the echoes of a love so true,
Till the end of my days, in this life's great expanse,
I'll hold onto your love and our timeless dance.

(Thank you for submitting such a perfectly laid out and easy to follow lyric. I hope to see more of your work. My purpose is to offer some suggestions that may improve your lyric. I show examples of a more natural flow in a few places. I’d like to see you work on making each line less forced for the sake of rhyme. How would you say the same thing in a conversation with someone else? Probably not as poetically as you have here.I’ve moved a few lines and omitted others as an example. Sometimes just a few changes in a stanza can bring more imagery and depth to your story. Another suggestion is to keep all chorus’s the same unless there’s no other way, so I’ve show a merged version using lines from both of your original choruses. In closing, it’s important to read your lyrics aloud over and over to see where you need an extra word or how your stresses fall, and how it sounds rolling off the tongue. Just because it rhymes, doesn’t make it worthy of being the right word. Think outside the box a bit. Put more of your personal examples of pain or joy into it. If it doesn’t come out naturally, don’t force it. The goal is to tell the best story that sounds appealing to your listeners and maybe get a cut with an artist, so it’s worthy of the extra work. Does your story take the listener anywhere special? Can you, personally, visualize the progress of the story? I like that you have your title as your hook in the first line of the chorus, but in addition to that, consider this: some great songs have choruses that start with a question, so you could even play around with the chorus with the purpose of creating more drama and angst:: 

Is that your shadow when I’m alone?
Are you the beacon who lights my soul?
Warmth of our memories … fire to my soul,
Can echoes of your name keep me whole? )

 

THIRD PLACE
Whispers of the Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ

(Verse 1)
The sun dips low in the Texas sky,
Paints the clouds in a crimson dye.
Lone star shines on a dusty road,
Where my heart lies, where my stories are told. ( “and my sories told” might work better for flow.)

(Chorus)
Whispers of the wind carry me home,
To the place where I never feel alone.
Through the valleys low, over hills so high, (Try to use some examples or draw the audience some) images.
In the arms of Texas, under that wide sky. ( I’d like to hear something personal. Why do you feel this way?)

(Verse 2)
Shadows dance in the firelight's glow,
Songs of old, in the embers show.
Ghosts of the past come out to play,
In the quiet of the night, till the break of day.

(Chorus)
Whispers of the wind, tell me tales,
Of lost love and lonesome trails.
Through the mesquite and the sage so sweet,
I find my solace; I find my peace.

(Bridge)
Under the vast, starry dome,
I wander, but I'm never far from home.
Each step I take on this land so grand,
Brings me closer to understanding this land.

(Verse 3)
Morning comes with a gentle breeze,
Stirring the silence, rustling the leaves.
The world awakes to a brand new day,
In the heart of Texas, where I'll stay.

(Outro)
So let the whispers of the wind guide my way,
Through the hills and valleys, come what may.
In the spirit of Texas, I'll roam free,
Till the whispers of the wind bring me home to thee.



SECOND PLACE

 SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

V-1 

SHE SPOKE INTO MY EYES, “ARE YOU READY MY FRIEND?” ( Watch your stresses and how many syllables for smoother lines.)
I SLID THE GUN UNDER MY SHIRT SAID, “I’M HERE TIL THE END”. (You don’t need the “I” because you say “my” and ‘neath’ instead of “under” rolls smoother.)
WE PUT ON OUR MASKS AN’ PUSHED THROUGH THE DOOR
SHE HAD A SMILE ON HER FACE AS WE ROBBED OUR FIRST STORE. ( I swear she smiled… as we robed that store.)

V-2 

WE RAN OUT THE SIDE JUMPED IN OUR CAR
SPED AROUND THE BLOCK STOPPED AT A TOPLESS BAR. (‘round). “topless “doesn’t add anything to the story and it works against smooth flow of the line.)
SAT DOWN BESIDE HER AND BOUGHT US A DRINK
TOO NERVOUS TO TALK AFRAID TO THINK (“And too scared to think” sounds better than afraid and rolls off the tongue better.)

CHORUS: 

SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE LIKED TO BE FREE
THE FIRE IN HER EYES WAS ALL I COULD SEE
I STARTED FEELING GUILTY FOR WHAT WE HAD DONE “‘Except me, feeling guilty for what we’d done” corrects your cadence.
THERE WAS NO END IN SIGHT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN

V-3 

 SHE SAID I’M FEELING LUCKY LETS TRY A BANK
I HAD NO ONE TO BLAME AND JUST HER TO THANK
WE STOOD IN LINE SHE’S DRESSED LIKE A NUN
THE TELLER SMILED TILL I SHOWED HER MY GUN

V-4 

SHE READ THE NOTE AND STARTED TO PRAY
NOBODY NOTICED WE QUICKLY WALKED AWAY “Nobody noticed as we rushed away” (Quickly seems to crowds the line)
IT WAS A HOT AFTERNOON THE SKY RAINING SUN ‘On a hot afternoon, the sky rained sun”. (I’m attempting to show to cut words when you can.)
I WAS FEELING THE HEAT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN.

V-5 

SHE GOT OUT AT A STORE FOR CIGARETTES AND WINE She got out at a store…for smokes and wine. (I think you have too many syllables in this line.)
SOMETHING WAS WRONG SHE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME “Something went wrong when she went inside” rolls smoother off the tongue.
I HEARD THE GUN FIRE AS HER PLAN CAME UNDONE “I heard the gun as her plan came undone”
SHE RAN OUT IN HEELS SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN “As she ran out in heals. She was just having fun”:

CHORUS: 

SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE LIKED TO BE FREE
THE FIRE IN HER EYES WAS ALL I COULD SEE
I STARTED FEELING GUILTY FOR WHAT WE HAD DONE “Except me feeling guilty for what we’d done”. Again, “started feeling guilty” seems wordy.
THERE WAS NO END IN SIGHT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN

V-6 

 ONE DAY SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME NEVER SAID A WORD. I like the word ‘The’ to start this line. Just a thought. Listen to the difference out loud.
HE WAS WAITING OUTSIDE GOODBYE’S ALL I HEARD. “Her new guy was waiting, goodbye’s all I heard” “He” is unclear. What is the listener hearing?
SHE WAS THE ONLY TROUBLE I COULDN’T OUTRUN “only” doesn’t fit the rhythm of the line. I would remove it.
I WATCHED EM’ SPEED AWAY SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN They sped away. She was just having fun. (works better than I watched).

BRIDGE: 

LIKE AN ANGEL IN HER EASTER DRESS A QUEEN ON HALOWEEN I was enjoying this lyric a lot, and then this bridge derailed it for me.
SHE WAS THE CUTEST CHEERLEADER ANY TEAM HAD EVER SEEN The first two lines have too many words and though it may be intended as a surprise
ALWAYS DID HER HOMEWORK STAYED IN EVERY NIGHT element. I feel like it needs a lot of work. Why are suddenly hearing about her past?
TRIED TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT If it’s back story, I truly don’t get it.

V-7 

THEIR NEXT HOIST WENT WRONG THERE WERE COPS ALL AROUND
SHE TOOK A BULLET TO THE HEAD FELL FLAT ON THE GROUND To the ‘head’ throws the ‘SMILE’ story. I’d try ‘chest” or “heart’ or something.
SHE HAD THAT SMILE ON HER FACE AS HER LIFE SLIPED AWAY As I alluded to, if she had a bullet to the head, she wouldn’t be smiling.
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN ON HER LAST DAY “on her very last day” might be better. The line needs that extra bit.
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE -WAS JUST HAVING FUN

Thank you for submitting this off-beat and interesting song. I really enjoyed it, but I would suggest you take a look at my notes I’ve offered to help cleaning up problem areas I’ve mentioned. If you already have music for it, maybe you’re  making the lyrics work by the way you phrase your words, but just reading it without music, it definitely could use a few fixes. And I would consider leaving out the bridge. Good job. Keep writing and submitting. I enjoyed seeing your work.

FIRST PLACE

Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
 

Verse:
A seamstress old and fragile with motions sure and slow
Commences with a simple cloth and then begins to sew
And over time, the cloth evolves into a lovely form
So beautiful the workmanship, yet lost if never worn

Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread (wardrobes seem stiff here. Maybe just the gift.)

Verse:
The cloth we saw before us plain and ready to be sewn (“plain” squeeze the words at bit.)
Has become a thing of beauty as both of us have grown,
And like the woven fabric, each weave has kept us strong (‘every’
To weather times of hardship, to keep us safe and warm

Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread

Bridge:
So we shall pass to others this gift on us bestowed -
That new threads may be woven and new cloths may be sewed
To create a new beginning - bound by threads of gold
Interlaced with the beauty of life, and hope, and love I would leave out “the” as it doesn’t flow as well with as without.

Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread
From a single common thread ...


Beautiful job. I enjoyed your lyric and appreciate the effort you put into it. I hope you’ll submit to DSA again soon. Your attention to detail is a gift to the reader or listener. I enjoyed the folksy-feel as the story carries through.
Thank you for your submission.

DSA SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS 2023

Thanks to Lyric Contest judge Alexis Tapp for her comments.

 SEMIFINALISTS
BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
The Last Song  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX

WINNERS
 
1st Place: The Last Song  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX
 
They gathered in a circle – the children sat amazed
Broken by the giant hearth which flickered in their gaze…
Within their midst a figure – with pain he slowly spoke
As firelight changed his features, half covered by his cloak…
 
He spoke of times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
His words drew great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
And through the night they listened – so many things they learned
Until the Old Man faltered, and to them all he turned…
 
“My dear and lovely children…in life be always strong
Remember Truths I’ve told you…and keep the Right from Wrong.”
"But now my time has ended", he whispered with a sigh,
"My wish is that you'll join with me to sing - a last goodbye…."
 
Their fragile hearts were broken – they’d loved him so for years
But sing they did the last goodbye while fighting little tears.
The song was something special he’d taught them long ago,
And as they sang the embers dimmed, and wind began to blow…
 
While in the second stanza, the Old Man settled down;
And as the ember turned to ash, they stopped without a sound…
He’d gone before the ending – and they began to cry…
They loved the Old Man dearly and hoped to say goodbye…
 
The room was cold and silent; and time had frozen still –
The children’s hearts were empty where once his love had filled.
Without a kiss and warm farewell as they had known before,
The children slowly gathered, and pulled upon the door –
 
But as it slowly opened, and light rays splashed around
They heard a thunderous chorus of a well familiar sound!
It seemed the woods were singing the stanza left unsung…
The song that they had ended, had only just begun…
 
They remembered times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
They saw the great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
Now standing in the doorway, they felt his warm goodbye.
And knew he’d live forever - as the flicker in their eyes…
 
I wouldn’t change a thing.  Wonderfully told story.  Thank you for your submission into the DSA Lyric Contest,
and congratulations on taking first place.  I hope to see more from you. 
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp
 
 
 
2nd Place: THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
 
She introduced me to the world,
Made me feel I was enough.
Before she knew who I might be
I was her first true love
 
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, my life still undefined.
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, she was She’s the first one who held mine. 
I’d consider writing a hooky 3rd line to have a consistent, meaningful line in all the choruses like:
                  “I was her first love and she was mine, and I’ll love her for all time.”
                 
She watched my first steps from a crawl.
Read me books of make believe.          
Each night with folded hands we’d pray
Our “lay me downs to sleep.”
 
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, I’d look up to her and shine.
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
 
I rolled my eyes, distanced myself,  “and pulled away”. You lost meter in this line.  I suggest fixing that.
As much as I thought I could,           This line doesn’t add to the story. I suggest trying to find something better.
Her love was unconditional,
Even when Though I felt she never understood.  You lost your meter again. This is your weakest stanza.
Example: “Even when I felt misunderstood.”
 
I’m barely (the word gently is prettier) touching Mom’s hand, many at times I crossed the line.  meter
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand, yet she’s she was the first one who held mine. 
     (or “yet she’s the one who first held mine”.)
If you use “my Mom”, it keeps the 2 syllable needed to mimmick the cadence of the other choruses.
 
It’s my time to embrace take her hand,
And raise her up if she should fall.
I’ll be her guide and help her stand.
She (My mother) is my first love after all.
 
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand, our hearts always intwined.  
I’ll forever hold my Mother ‘s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
 
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand,
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand,
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand,                      
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand,
She was the first one who held mine.
 
Thank you for your submission and congratulations on second place in the DSA Monthly Lyric. 
Comments from your lyric judge:  Alexis Tapp
  

3rd Place:  BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
 
      V-1   RED HAIR DANCED ACROSS HER FACE LIKE FIRE Through BURNING TREES. Fixes meter
               RIPS AND HOLES IN FADED JEANS JUST ADDED TO THE TEASE
               I PICKED UP THE HITCH HIKING TEEN WE RODE SILENT FOR A WHILE
              Picked up the teens, hitch-hiking.  Rode silent for a while.  Fixes rhythm of the line by rearranging words. 
               SHE LOOKED LOST IN THOUGHT THEN I SAW A LITTLE SMILE.
 
       V-2  I ASKED WHAT’S YOUR NAME BUT SHE DIDN’T SAY A WORD
               THEN she TURNED & LOOKED AT ME SAID THE SWEETEST THING I’VE HEARD
               BECAUSE YOU RESCUED ME I’LL LEAVE MY NEW NAME UP TO YOU
               I’M RUNNING FROM A BROKEN LIFE I NEED TO START ANEW. I’d switch lines 3 & 4.
                          
  CHORUS:  WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
                       I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
                       I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
                       TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
 
          V-3 THAT’S A GREAT NAME SHE SAID I LIKE IT A LOT.  This line is short and meter’s off.
                  NOW MY NAME IS BLUE AND THAT NAME IS ALL I GOT  ?
                  MY PAST WON’T EVER FIND ME NOW I DIDN’T LEAVE A CLUE
                  AND IF ANYONE TRIES THEY WON’T BE LOOKING FOR BLUE
 
       V-3  SHE SAID YOU CAN DROP ME OFF HERE THIS LOOKS LIKE A NICE TOWN
               I OFFERED TO STOP AND HELP HER LOOK AROUND.  short
               NO YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH FOR ME OH AND THANKS so much AGAIN
               SHE SMILED WHEN I SAID my GOODBYEs AND WAVED TO MY NEW FRIEND
 
  BRIDGE:  SHE SAID IT’S TIME FOR ME AND MY NEW START I HAVE A LOT TO DO
                        She said it’s time for my new start.  I have a lot to do.
                    AND IF I EVER HAVE A SON I MIGHT NAME HIM AFTER YOU              
                                          
  CHORUS:  WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
                     I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
                     I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
                       TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
Congratulations on third place in the lyric contest.
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp.
 
4th Place:  FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
 
 V-1  THE  AD SAID FREE PIANO IT’S YOURS TO TAKE AWAY
          I WAS NO MUSICIAN MAYBE I COULD LEARN TO PLAY
         THE PIANO RESTED ON THE SECOND FLOOR HAD BEEN THERE FOR YEARS
         AS THE MOVERS ROLLED IT OUT THE DOOR THE MAN BROKE DOWN IN TEARS
 
  V-2  I SHOOK HIS KNARLED HAND HE SAID I’LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN
          HE HANDED ME A LEARNERS BOOK SAID GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND
          THE PIANO OLD AND SCRATCHED STAINED FROM FOOD AND DRINKS
           BUT TO ME IT WAS BEAUTIFUL I WOULDN’T CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS
            This last line is too long and meter doesn’t work.  See what you can do to reword it.
 
    CH:  I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG 
             WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
             OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
             WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
 
  V-3  I ENJOYED IT FOR MANY YEARS NOW MY HANDS SHAKE TOO MUCH TO  PLAY.
Cut it down, maybe simply “won’t”
          IT BROKE MY HEART TO THINK IT BUT I DECIDED  TO GIVE IT AWAY. “I had”
          I PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER SAID  FREE PIANO FOR ANYONE
          A YOUNG MAN CAME TO GET IT SAID PLAYING MIGHT BE FUN
 
          V-4  I GAVE HIM THE OLD LEARNERS BOOK WITH MY NOTES FOLDED INSIDE
                  FORCED A CROOKED SMILE TO COVER TEARS I HAD TO HIDE                   
                 AS HE WHEELED IT OUT THE DOOR I TURNED AROUND TO SEE
                 A SMILING YOUNG FACE IN THE MIRROR OR WAS THAT Young Man REALLY ME
 
    CH:  I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG 
             WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
             OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
             WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
            (WE ALL SANG LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE JUST GLAD WE’RE HERE)
I love complete sentences in most writing, but in songs, it often helps meter and simplifies what the listener must understand, if we cut some extraneous wording.  I’ve offered some ideas about “cutting the fat”.  Of course, if you have composed music for this lyric, you may be singing it, squeezing in the words, but if your work is put before a publisher, it would be nice for the meter of each line to be smooth and obvious.  Meter needs to be given importance in our writing, even if we have to write and rewrite and rewrite to get there.  Count stresses and syllables in each line to create a better crafted lyric.  Thank you for your submission.  I liked your story and offer the above as encouragement to perfect your craft. 
Comments from your lyric judge:  Alexis Tapp

DSA 2023 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS - judge - Alexis Tapp

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director  Alexis Tapp for her comments

 2023 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST FINALISTS 

FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA

Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland

Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx

FIRST PLACE

    FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA  

(Verse 1)

In a small hospital room, the  air heavy with sorrow.

Loved ones ALL gathered close, NOT sure of tomorrow.

In those final moments, with time slipS away;

we hold on to the memories, as we quietly pray.

(Chorus)

In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.  PERHAPS “TO GET THROUGH THE PAIN”

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, as our grief overflows.

(Verse 2)

We recallING the milestones, the journey we shared.

The dreams we pursued, the burdens we bared.

Through the highs and lows, we stood hand in hand.

In those final moments, we'll forever understand.  PRAYERS ALL WE HAD.

(Chorus)

^{In the} final moments, love's tears fall like rain.  

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, as our grief overflows.

(Bridge)

As we watch you drift away, to a THAT peaceful place;

We find solace in knowing, you'll find eternal grace.  

WE FIND SOLACE THAT YOU’RE FINDING … ETERNAL GRACE.

Though our hearts deeply ache, as grief takes us all;

In those final moments, our lives can seem so small.

YOU DON’T REALLY NEED IN THOSE FINAL MOMENTS IN THE BRIDGE.

AND I WOULD SHORTEN IT.  I THINK THE FIRST TWO LINES ARE POWERFUL ON THEIR OWN.

AND I BELIEVE THE OUTRO COULD FOLLOW THE BRIDGE NICELY FOR AN ENDING TO THE SONG

AND KEEPING IT SHORT WILL MAKE IT MORE PALITABLE FOR THE SUBJECT MATTER AND FOR COMMERCIAL USE.   I could feel the emotions of the song.  I think it’s best to keep the lyric as simplified as possible, so the meaning of the lyric remains strong and uncluttered and makes its impact.

(Outro)

In the final moments, as we hold on tight;

There’s comfort in knowing you always walked in light.

Though you are gone, your spirit lives within,  MAYBE:, THOUGH YOU’RE GONE, YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON

IN our hearts and our souls…this final moment’s not the end.  THAT LAST PHRASE SEEMS REDUNDANT

(Chorus)

In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, our love only grows.

Second Place

Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland

Thoughts for your Chorus:

Broken by war, fear in my heart  

Bombs of destruction, tore lives apart … broken by war. 

Tears flowing down, my heart’s heavy with pain,     

No glimmer of hope, efforts in vain (rearranged with line above) 

A country’s humanity, shaken to the core  … broken by war     

Good ideas and some interesting lines, however, I suggest some re-writing for your chorus which is a bit long and has an awkward rhyme pattern that doesn’t work well.

I would like to see you work a bit more on the whole piece and make an attempt to 

change your rhyme scheme. I’ve offered my suggestions above to use or not use as 

you see fit.  Try to think outside the box a bit and create more visuals if possible, so

the listener goes right to the moment and feels what you want them to feel

            Third Place

Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx

When Tammy turned five  

Mother said she was like  

The Rain Man, curiously slow 

Rare bird, wires cross, still perfect soul. 

Not the same as us, her wires somehow crossed  

She was a rare bird, an imperfect soul  

 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything 

Without clipped wings  

One day, I found her, crying alone,

Another bad day as part of a joke.

Made to feel dumb, blameless heart was broke.

Bewildered and hurt, being made to feel dumb.

 

One day when I got home, she was crying all alone  

Once again the focus of the joke 

The pain of feeling dumb, that thought leaves me numb 

Bewildered, her blameless heart was broke 

  

She could be anything she dreamed, anything 

Without clipped wings  

 

Cut feathers keep a songbird from flying stronger.

Its true mean words carry weight 

Stuck somewhere between, her plumes, they were not preened 

She was enough. She’s part of God’s grace 

Mean words, cut feathers carry such weight.

But my songbird still 

 

When nightingales sang the music proclaimed

All that she could be 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything    

Without clipped wings  

 

I wish the whole world could see 

She’s the same kind of different as you and me   

 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything   

Without clipped wings  

Without clipped wings 

Without clipped wings

 

DALLAS SONGWRITERS 2023 WINTER LYIC CONTEST WINNERS

 2023 Winter Lyric Contest - Thanks to judge Michael Brandenberger

First Place - Kingdom Come by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

 V-1   PICKED UP A STRAGGLY HITCHIKER ASKED WHERE HE WAS GOING
           HE LOOKED UP TO THE SKY HE HAD CARDS HE WASN’T SHOWING
           I SAID YOU CAN’T SIT IN THE FRONT THIS TRUCK IS BRAND NEW
          AND NO OFFENCE BUT I DON’T WANT THE SEATS TO LOOK LIKE YOU

V-2  I SAID JUMP UP INTO THE PICK-UP BED HOLD ON TO THE SIDE
        THIS TRUCK RIDES PRETTY SMOOTH YOU’LL ENJOY THE RIDE
         WE STOPED FOR GAS HE SAID HE HADN’T EATEN IN A WHILE
         I SAID I HAVE SOME LEFTOVERS AT HOME I SAW A BIG SMILE


 V-3  HE ATE THE CHICKEN TO THE BONE THE BEANS DISSAPEARED
         HALF THE DESSERT END UP IN HIS RAGED BEARD
         I SAID TAKE A SHOWER IF YOU WANT JUST DON’T WET THE FLOOR
         SWEAR IT LOOKED LIKE HE WALKED RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR

         
CHORUS:  WALKING BACK TO THE TRUCK I ASKED WHERE HE WAS FROM
                         HE QUIETLY SAID SOMETHING SOUNDED LIKE KINGDOM COME
                      I’D NEVER HEARD OF IT AND RATHER THAN PRETEND
                      I NODDED AND SMILED AND DROVE OFF WITH MY NEW FRIEND

    
    V-4  HE DIDN’T LOOK SO BAD NOW THAT HE WAS CLEANED UP
            WHERE CAN I DROP YOU OFF I ASKED HIM IN THE TRUCK
            OH IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER WHERE I’M GOING TO
            WHEREVER I GO THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO DO           

                
    V-5  HE GOT OFF NEAR THE POST OFFICE SMILED AND SAID GOODBYE
             I  MISSED HIM RIGHT AWAY I JUST DIDN’T KNOW WHY
            WHEN I GOT BACK HOME I CLEANED UP AND FOUND A NOTE
             AND A TICKET WITH MY NAME AND A DATE THAT HE WROTE

CHORUS:  WALKING BACK TO THE TRUCK I ASKED WHERE HE WAS FROM
                         HE QUIETLY SAID SOMETHING SOUNDED LIKE KINGDOM COME
                      I’D NEVER HEARD OF IT AND RATHER THAN PRETEND
                      I NODDED AND SMILED AND DROVE OFF WITH MY NEW FRIEND


  OUTRO: I PUT THE TICKET ON MY SHELF WITH THE NOTE FROM MY FRIEND    
                   HE WROTE YOU WILL BE REWARDED WHEN WE MEET AGAIN

Judges Comment
This is a story song that does a very good job of creating interest from the beginning by talking about "cards he (a stranger) wasn't showing".  The song creates a very good emotional impact and appeal by building on its story about a mysterious  stranger who appears homeless.  The phrasing is good and the form is excellent with almost near perfect rhymes though out the song.  The hook/song title appears on the second line of the chorus, which is a little weak, but it could be strengthened by moving the chorus to follow the second verse and then repeating the chorus after each of the other verses.

 

Second Place - Sticks and Stones by Harri Wolf and Michael RJ Roth, Novato, CA

V1
There’s a shrine on the side of the road
The place where someone departed
Painfully loved as the story is told
By one she had left brokenhearted

V2
There’s another a few miles down
His cross is decked out in flowers
Propped up by fragments of coyote bones
Sticks and stones the years will devour

(Ch)
Sticks and stones and fragments of bone
Scattered by wind, withered by time
But those flowers that show up fresh every day
Promise that love is alive.

V3
A poppy displays where another had gone
Sheltered by a cold northern sky
There’s a column of trees reaching up to the sun
Handrails to the great by and by.

(Ch)
Sticks and stones and fragments of bone
Scattered by wind, withered by time
But those flowers that show up fresh every day
Promise that love is alive.

Judges Comment
This song has good emotional impact in the way it deals with commemorative crosses along highways.  The hook/title is set up in the last line of the second verse and then in the first line of the following chorus which is a good technique, but a more emotional hook/title might be to use the last line of the chorus "Promise That Love is Alive".  Overall, the song has good appeal, focus and phrasing and a very good rhyme scheme.

Third Place - Sunset by Jim Aitken, Kilmarnock, Scotland
 
V1
Got tired, of living lonely, and rocking, by the cabin door
Took many years, to find that seam, but knew I yearned for more
So I rode into the Sunset, to the life I’d always planned
And built a Hacienda on a real nice piece of land

Out of the light of the Sunset, I saw her standing there
As Sunset lit the valley, great music filled the air

V2
Marita gestured took my hand and led me to the floor
We danced & danced till Sunset: A Love like none before
We were married springtime in the little church, on the hill
Within a year, had cause to cheer as Catalina blessed our world…blessed our world

Br
Three happy years we lived for the day
Attended the little church, and pray
We walked the valleys, as Catalina grew
Among the wonders of Nature, from early morning dew….Morning dew

Three years we shared our Sunset, and revelled in the view
And watched our beautiful Sunset, disappear from view
 
V3
An epidemic swept the town, Marita fell real ill
For three long days that fever raged: she lay there, sore and still
Then, “Take me out to the porch now”, Marita softly said
So I carried her wrapped in a blanket, and gently raised her head….Raised her head

Closed her eyes, as her glorious Sun Set, for the very, last time
Shed a tear as Marita’s Sun Set, for the very, very, last time

(Short, Sad Instrumental)

V4
Now, I’m more lonely, than rocking by the cabin door
Lost the Love, I briefly had: Ne’er felt, such pain before
But Marita lives within us, for true love never dies
And her stone looks O’er the valley, towards the evening sky…Evening sky
 
Where the three of us, share the Sunset; Catalina on my knee
And Forever, share her Sunset: The way it was meant, to be.

And Forever, share her Sunset: The way, it was meant, to be.

Judges Comment
This song has good emotional impact in relating a story about love found and then lost through sickness.  It has good originality, appeal, focus and and phrasing.  While the form contains a good rhyming scheme but it it lacks a definitive chorus that contains the hook/title.  However, there are some good lines about the Sunset that could be developed into a good chorus

Dallas Songwriters 2022 FALL Lyric Contest Winners

 Thanks to our Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp

Fall 2022 Lyric Contest Winners

1st place:  Nothing Can Bring Me Down by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

2nd place: Someday Soon by Bill Martin, Dallas, Tx

3rd place: Taste Of Love So Sweet by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

First “NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN”  by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

V-1 MORNING NEWS TELLS THE STORY ANOTHER TROUBLED DAY 

THE PATH FILLED WITH ROADBLOCKS BUT I’LL FIND MY WAY 

TEMPTATION TRIES PULLING ME INTO THAT ENDLESS HOLE but meets that wall, 

When MY MIND GETS FLAKY LEGS GET SHAKY BUT I WILL NOT FALL Your third and fourth line don’t rhyme as is. 

CHORUS: NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN I WON’T GO THERE 

EVEN THIS BROKEN TOWN IS BETTER THAN NOWHERE 

I’VE FALLEN BEFORE AND KEEP ON GETTING UP 

THE FIRST STEP IS THE STEEPEST I CLIMB THEM ONE BY ONE 

SURRENDER MAY BE CALLING BUT I DON’T HEAR A SOUND 

I JUST KEEP ON SMILING NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN  

A 6-line chorus is quite long. Your first two lines could be a pre-chorus,

 but if it were my lyric, I might pick the best out of the 6 lines to make it a 4-line chorus.

Perhaps:  “ Nothing can bring me down. I keep on getting up” instead of the first three lines as you wrote them.

Then keep the last three lines the same.  It still has the hook and title but is a bit catchier and more to the point.”

Try to spend more time on what you’re trying to say and less about just making sure it rhymes.  You’ll be surprised at what can happen as you continue to work on it.  Sometimes the message you’re attempting to send becomes clearer.

V-2 PROGRESS DOESN’T COME EASY THE STRUGGLE’S NEVER FUN 

BUT THAT’S THE ONLY WAY THEY SAY TO GET THINGS DONE 

AND IF I MEET FAILURE I’LL TRY OVER AND OVER AGAIN 

THE ROAD TO SUCCESS IS LONG AND BUMPY TO THE END 

V-3 EVERY TIME I START CLIMBING UP A STEEPER HILL IS FOUND 

I KNOW I MUST GO OVER IT THERE’S NO EASY WAY AROUND 

BUT SOONER OR LATTER THE WAITING SUN WILL SHINE 

IF I KEEP WORKING HARD THE REWARD WILL BE MINE 

CHORUS: 

BRIDGE: OH-GRAVITY OH-GRAVITY RELEASE ME TONIGHT 

LET ME TRY TO FLY AND I JUST MIGHT 

I WANT TO BATHE IN FREEDOM REACHING UP SO HIGH 

HEADING TOWARD HEAVEN AS I SWIM INTO THE SKY 

CHORUS

Judge’s additional re-write notes to consider including internal rhymes and a more rhythmic feel.

Nothing Can Bring Me Down:

I may keep falling, but I’ll get back up.  Nothing can keep me down.

I’ll keep on smiling. I don’t give up when life tries to make me frown.

The steps are steep, but I’ll just keep … climbing them one by one,

‘Cause nothing, oh, nothing, oh, nothing can keep, nothing can keep me down.

Second: “Someday Soon” by Bill Martin, Dallas, Tx

VERSE 1 Someday soon but I don't know when 

we'll be no longer where we've been 

I can't say when and I can't say how 

you better be ready I'm tellin' you now! 

VERSE 2 Here's my warning short and sweet 

The One who saves you're going to meet 

I can't say when and I can't say how 

but you better be ready I'm tellin' you now! 

CHORUS Seven whole years in the tribulation 

the covenant broken in the nation 

Halfway through it'll terribly dawn, 

And they may see The Holy Spirit's gone! 

VERSE 3 Believers alive will be taken up 

and those who remain will drink the cup 

I can't say when and I can't say how 

You better be ready.  I’m tellin you now!

I appreciated your entry and your subject matter.  

As the lyric judge, I would like to share some constructive criticism.  I feel like your verse lines could

use some tweaking regarding the number of syllables in each line.  This would help smooth out word flow.

Please read your lyrics aloud multiple times and see where you have a bit of trouble or stumble as your read.

Count your syllables and see where you can eliminate words altogether or simply choose different words to 

correct the cadence and make the lines in the verses feel  more cohesive.  While I understand the clear meaning 

of the third line of the chorus, it seems an odd way to say it in my opinion.  I’d suggest playing around with that

 line some to see if you can come up with something different.  The lyric seems to have a bouncy, gospel vibe 

which I like as I read it.

But, by the way, who is “they” in the chorus? Are you not part of the nation of which you speak? Even if you are different, some of the verbiage comes across as pointing fingers.  In the second line, you did include yourself when you said, “we’ll be no longer where we’ve been, so that seemed less preachy”.  Perhaps you could even say, “We better be ready, and it better be now!”in the fourth line.  I like the message.  I like the passion.  I like a lot about the lyric, but it might draw the listener in more if you include yourself in the struggle a bit more.  Just a thought.

Third: “TASTE OF LOVE SO SWEET”  by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

 V-1 LOVE IS NOT AN EASY THING 

IT’S DIFFICULT TO FIND 

NOT EVERYONE WILL TOUCH IT 

FEWER CAN HANG ON 

LOVE IS ALWAYS FLEETING 

IN A MOMENT CAN BE GONE 

YOU CAN’T HOLD IN YOUR HAND consider eliminating the “you”

WHAT’S ONLY IN YOUR MIND 

V-2 AN INTOXICATING RUSH 

SWEETER THAN FINE WINE 

TO TAKE AWAY YOUR PAIN 

AND FILL YOUR WORLD WITH FUN. 

TURN YOUR TEARS TO GOLD 

STOP THE RAIN WITH SUN 

ONCE YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT 

YOU’LL WANT IT ALL THE TIME   I really like this part of this verse.

CH: IT STARTS OUT WITH A KISS 

THE TASTE OF LOVE SO SWEET 

THE FEELING IS INCREDIBLE “Incredible” may have too many syllable incerted here. 

                                                    Consider “mighty” or “great” or “awesome” to shorten and make it easier to speak.

AS IT SWEEPS YOU OFF YOUR FEET 

LIVES HAVE LITTLE MEANING 

TIL LOVE MAKES THEM COMPLETE 

ANYTHING ON EARTH IS WORTH 

THE TASTE OF LOVE SO SWEET 

I like the catchy feel of the lyric.  You might consider the first line of the chorus to be:

First comes the kiss.  It starts out just doesn’t sound pretty.  If you accepted that as a change to the 

First line, I would consider leaving off “the” and “as it” at the beginning of the next three lines.  It lightens 

The chorus a bit.  In fact, you might think about condensing the last four lines to something like:

“Love gives meaning… makes life complete/More than anything…the taste of love so sweet.”

This shortens the chorus and is pretty catchy.  Then at the end of the song, you could double the chorus.

Chorus

BRIDGE: LIKE A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD, LOVE CAN CUT YOU LIKE A KNIFE 

THIS PASSION FUELED EMOTION CAN PUSH YOU WAY TOO FAR 

OPEN UP YOUR HEART AND TAKE SLICES OF YOUR LIFE 

DIG DEEP INTO YOUR SOUL MAKE YOU WEAR IT LIKE A SCAR 

V-3 A TINY FLOWER’S SEED BLOOMS ALONG THE WAY 

TRY AS YOU MAY YOU CANNOT KISS YOURSELF 

LOVE IS A WORK IN PROGRESS AS IT GROWS EVERY DAY 

ROMANCE MUST BE SHARED WE ALL NEED SOMEONE ELSE 

Chorus

Another offering for your “Taste of Love So Sweet” lyric:

It starts with a kiss… a kiss so sweet

That tastes delicious and weeps you off your feet.

Life has less meaning ‘til the love’s complete,

And it starts with a kiss…a kiss so sweet.

Barbe:  I just decided to take one lyric that didn’t place and give some suggestions for it.

The judge’s thoughts on your lyric which did not place in the quarterly contest,

But seems like a good example for me to make some points for anyone reading these entries.

For the lyric called “Summer Job”:

I’m going to provide an example of what might make your lyric more powerful 

with a stronger hook and a much more relevant and catchy title. 

Chorus:   I’m a flower seller; ain’t life grand?

    I’ll land me a man. Then won’t life grand?  

       Sexy-girl power, trading youth and flowers.  

Yeah, ain’t life grand?

This is the same basic story you wrote, but read them both aloud to hear the difference in the cadence.  Your song title is not in the chorus which it really should be, and your chorus doesn’t currently have a hook.  The example I’ve provided could use the new hook for the title: “Ain’t life grand?” Your verses need work, as well, so I suggest you spend some time considering how to improve the way in which you tell your story.  Think about it as if you were the listener, trying to understand what the writer is trying to tell you.  Give more attention to your structure and spend time editting your line lengths and rhyme patterns.  I was drawn to your over-all idea, but the lyric, as is, is in its infancy.  My motto is to write, re-write, and re-write some more until the lyric is one you might hear on Apple Music done by an recording artist you admire.  As a fellow lyricist, I hope you’ll do the work and resubmit your piece.  I appreciate you for your entry, and good luck on any future projects.