DSA Fall 2024-Winter 2025 Lyric Contest

 

Thank you to our judge, Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for comments!

First Place     I’m Right Here by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA                

Suggestions to strengthen your lyric are in red and blue.

(Verse 1)
God, where are You? Was all I could say,
as I struggled to make it through another long, hard day.       Too many syllables rush the line and are not always necessary to the lyrics.  Edit Edit Edit.
Searching, looking but just not seeing clear,            “just” doesn’t add to the line and is too many syllables to flow smoothly.
He answered in my anguish, “Child, I’m right here!”        I would leave out “in”.  He answered my anguish makes better sense and flows better.

Chorus
I’m right here in the middle of your mess,
when you’re sinking low, I’m the hope rising in your chest.     
I’m the whisper when the chaos steals your ear,
you don’t have to wonder, ‘cause child, I’m right here.    Continue to cut extraneous words when possible for better flow of a line.

(Verse 2)
The world gets loud, and it drowns out my soul,        
the weight of it all tries to take control.                I suggest using shorter words like “When the weight of life tries to take control” flows better.
But even in captivity, Your voice breaks through,        “Even trapped here in captivity, Your voice is breaking through.” Read your line next to this one.
saying, "Hold on, child, I will carry you!"

Chorus
I’m right here in the middle of your mess,
when you’re sinking low, I’m the hope rising in your chest.
I’m the whisper when the chaos steals your ear,
you don’t have to wonder, ‘cause child, I’m right here.

(Bridge) — [Rap/Spoken]
When you’re at your lowest, when you feel alone,
when you’re crying out, thinking hope is gone—        
I’m the fire in your heart, the light on your path,
the grace that holds you and always guides you back.    “the grace that’s holding you will always guide you back.”
Every tear you cry, every prayer you say,
I’m the love that’s steady, and I’ll never walk away.        “I’m the love that holds you steady,…”

Chorus
I’m right here in the middle of your mess,
when you’re sinking low, I’m the hope rising in your chest.
I’m the whisper when the chaos steals your ear,
you don’t have to wonder, ‘cause child, I’m right here.

Outro
Oh, I’m right here—closer than you know.
I’ll never leave you; I will never let you go.
In your triumphs, in your struggle, and always in your fear,
don’t worry my child—I’m right here!

Think more in terms of conversational lyrics.  When you talk to God, do you say every single ”the”, “and”, “well” or “in”?
Consider writing more casually like you and God are just talking like two friends.
 I appreciate and enjoy faith-based music from believers.  Thank you for your submission.

Second Place     Neon in Her Eyes  by Craig Hendricks, Mentone, AL

She's a true Texas lady,
every cowboy's dream
pretty as an Amarillo sky
sweet as Abilene
To anyone who knows her,
it comes as no surprise
that when she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes

She'd grown tired
Of those one night rodeos
Smokey bars, honky tonks,
And life out on the road
She thought she finally found
A place her heart could hide
But when she thinks of him
You see the neon in her eyes

(Chorus)
The Green of envy,
when he tells her he won't stay
The blue of her sorrows
as she watched him ride away
the orange and red of anger
when she caught him in his lies
When she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes

Sometimes she thinks she hears
His voice whispering on the wind
And part of her starts wishing
She was in his arms again
But her love is like a sunset
That fades into the night
And when she thinks of him
You see the neon in her eyes

(Chorus)
The Green of envy,
when he tells her he won't stay
The blue of her sorrows
as she watched him ride away
the orange and red of anger
when she caught him in his lies
When she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes

(outro)
When she thinks of him,
you see the neon in her eyes

Your lyric has a nice feel to it.  I like the first verse.  I would consider checking
your cadence and perhaps changing the third line to “pretty Amarillo sky,
sweet as Abilene”.  It feels smoother, says the same thing without rushing the
line.  Such a small change can help the flow of a lyric without losing the point.
Example:  perhaps on the second verse, remove “the” and have the line be:
”you see neon in her eyes.”  As I write, I edit over and over until I feel I’ve
eliminated words that don’t add to the story.  There are multiple places in your
lyric where your message won’t suffer if you remove a few words.  Does the
“orange and red” need the “orange”part?  “There’s neon in her eyes” is more
powerful than ‘you see the neon in her eyes”. It’s direct. Also, I suggest you
make the chorus more hooky with a clearer message. All of these suggestions
could help strengthen your lyric and make it more radio ready.  I hope you’ll
rework this piece and resubmit it to DSA.  Thank you.

Third Place         Look at Me  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX    

Suggestions to strengthen your lyric are in red and blue.

That sunny day getaway - there was no prouder man        
My little daughter ran to me and grabbed my (great big) hand    Adding ‘great big’ would establish your meter and word stresses in these two lines.
tShe pulled me to where there stood a sturdy old oak tree.         “She pulled me as she does to a sturdy old oak tree…” is much stronger & less words.
With excitement, begging, ‘Daddy can I climb it please?        Try not to use ‘she’ as often and start a line with a prepositional phrase to break things up.
 
Disappearing, up she went- I wondered at my choice?
Then way up high I saw a wave and heard a tiny voice say

Look at me! I’m way up here in this big oak tree        Look at me! I’m as happy as can be.    I suggest keeping the two choruses the same or close.
I’m mommy’s little angel - I’m daddy’s big girl            I would consider changing “big” to ‘”great big” or “favorite’ for syllable count and better flow.
I’m way up here on top of the (whole) world                        
Look at me – look at me

Those happy days turned to months, months turned into years.   Happy days turned to months, month turned into years
My wife and I, patched her scrapes and kissed away her tears
That first date, the high school prom, a Romeo swept her away.  There are too many syllables in this line. “Young love swept her away” flows better.
She smiled at us and said these words on her wedding day

Look at me! I’m as happy as a girl could ever be                 I suggest keeping the chorus close to the same each time. See notes above.
Mom, you are my angel and dad I’m still your girl
And I feel like I’m on top of the world
Just look at me …

Then one day my (whole) world fell apart and left me asking why.          Watch your syllable count for good flow, non-rushed words.
My wife was  would be taken from me in the “quick” blink of an eye     Same reason for this change. Too many syllables.
My life was not worth living - I could not go on this time             How would I survive?
And as my hope slipped away a hand slipped into mine.                 “And as hope slipped out of my hand, another one took mine.”  
                                            Learn to notice stressed words.
Dad, look at me, don’t give up we’ll make it through, you’ll see    “Saying” Daddy, look at me.  We’ll……..”
Mommy’s with the angels, but beside you is your girl            “……., But I’m still your little girl.”  
I’ll help you get by – it’s not the end of our world
Look at me, dad, look at me

This is a sweet story and will make a nice lyric with some additional work.  It all needs editing.
Think about your syllable count on each line and try to have each verse match the others with
the same number of counts. Perhaps research how to manage your stresses in songwriting.  
I suggest reading your lyrics aloud over and over from first draft until the final draft to check
your cadence and examine the strength of each line.  Is there a condensed way or more colorful
way to say the same thing?If a line doesn’t roll off the tongue easily, perhaps there’s another way
to say the same thing with more ease.  You want to capture the listener with each word and line …
not just the over-all ‘good idea’.  Consider each line as a next piece of your lyric puzzle.  Each line
is worth serious scrutiny to help each word the best choice for your song. Writing from personal
experience helps your subject matter ring true.  Bring the story alive by using more tangible details
from your memories and share those with your potential audience.  Thank you for your sweet
submission.  I suggest you work on this a bit more and resubmit it next round.

Fourth Place        ANNA’s SONG   by Michael Clarke, Mt Carroll, IL

Come by today            You have established a rhyme scheme with the first four lines of ABBC which you don’t carry out in your lyric.
I’ll leave the door unlocked    
No need to knock
Just come on in            I would say, “Feel free to come on in” for the sake of meter.
I’ll put the kettle on
And make some tea
No TV
Just you and me                Consider adding, “Hanging comfortably” or something to keep that segment balanced.
We can talk the by n’ by            I would leave this first line about by n’ by as is, but I suggest the following line be something like this:
While the leaves are falling        While leaves are falling    
We’ll stay warm by the fireside        We can stay warm by the fire (keep your present tense going with can and cut ‘side’ as it’s too many syllables                    
It’s hard to keep from yawning        We’ll both start yawning (your line has too many syllables).  I suggest you study some on song structure.
I have some cake
A little ice cream too
No need to choose
It’s all for you                Perhaps ”I bought it all for you” or something that adds syllables for this line to match up & flow well.
And when we’re done
Let’s head down to the lake
The plans we make
Walking off that cake
All my senses seem to come alive
When I feel you near me
You bring peace into my life
This is good, you’ll see
Lie next to me                Perhaps “Come.  Lie next to me” to keep your meter the same as the first line in this section.
We’ll count the evening stars
Which one’s Mars                I might say, “I’ll ask you which one’s Mars”
That’s really far
Funny how we seem
To make each other smile
We got awhile                Right about here, I feel like you lost your way in this lyric.  
Another mile                    The bulk of the song was an interesting series of phrases.  
Can two hearts make it right
With all the things that can be
If you wish you can stay the night
This is good, you’ll see
© 2025

It is helpful for the reader to see the song structure:  Verse 1, Verse 2 etc. with Chorus and/or bridge.  
It’s important for the rhyme scheme to be clear as well.   For instance, if you switch the 3rd and 4th line,
you’ll create a rhyme scheme for the first four lines  of a b c b.  Then you can use that as your pattern
throughout the song.  This feels a bit more like prose with no-rhyming intentions in some places and
then clearly in others, you have created rhymes like ‘tea’,’TV’ and ‘me’ but these don’t follow an
established patter, because your lines starting with “I’ll put the kettle on” ( I like that line ) has a
pattern of a b b b.  But you do have a repeated a b b b pattern starting with “I have some cake” and
then again starting with the line “Lie next to me” a b b b and “Funny how we seem”, so I’m not sure
of your intentions.  I like the vibe of the lyric.  It feels welcoming from the beginning.  I do feel like you
change the direction of your message somewhere in the middle to a love song which kind of confused
me, because I thought the first half seemed like it could have been with anybody, not just a lover.
Anyway, I appreciate your entry and like your images, and I’d certainly come have cake and tea with
you by the fireside.  Keep writing from your heart, stay on message, and work on song structure and
rhyme patterns.  I would like to see you work on this further and resubmit it.

Fifth Place      Voodoo Salad  by Bill Kapac , Wildwood, NJ

This is an interesting concept, and you’ve added some interesting phrases
like “in the voodoo salad called New Orleans”, but your lyrics have extraneous
words that don’t add to your story.  I suggest you edit, edit, edit, eliminating
unnecessary words, allowing your story to not get lost in the clutter. I also
notice some verses that don’t have the same number of syllables as others.
Try to keep in mind that solid song structure will strengthen your lyric’s appeal.
Also, check your word stresses, so that your lines flow with more ease. Perhaps,
include yourself more into your lyric by using the first-person perspective and
some, personal, tangible details and references.  Do all that and then read the
whole lyric again out loud and see if you weren’t the writer, if you would get the
whole picture clearly.  If not, work on it further.  Thank you for your entry and
hope you’ll keep writing and submitting to DSA lyric contest.

Honorable Mention       Shadows Play  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX

This lyric is a clever idea with some interesting phrases.  I suggest you
work on clarity of message.  For instance, the first chorus starts out
strong with the first two lines, but then I don’t understand the message
of the last two lines in relationship to the whole song meaning.  If you’re
going to write from the perspective of the shadow, that could be something
interesting, but you’ll benefit from reading as if you didn’t write it to see
if you’d understand how each line moves the story and if it makes sense
to the listener, or reader in this case.  I like the step to the right, step to the
left idea.  That’s very clear and clever. The whole chorus works well.  I got
lost in the bridge as if there’s part of the story you’ve not addressed
previously in your story.  Perhaps you can give a hint earlier on about
your message.  Thank you for your submission.  I hope this is helpful
in creating the level of work for which you seem capable.

DSA 2024 SUMMER/SPRING LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS

 2024 Spring/Summer Lyric Contest Results:

Hi.  This is Alexis.  I’ve been judging the lyric contest for quite a few years now,
and this quarter, there were some very good entries which, which honestly,
made my job a bit harder.  Choosing the best of the entries came down to
focusing on the usual: clearly defined structure requirements such as rhyme
pattern, meter, hook, message, originality, and whether the lyric moved me.
I also like to see the lyric fulfill its message.  Here are my top 3 picks.



1st: “ SAID A FATHER TO HIS SON ” by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
2nd: “The Bloody Years (a true story ...)” by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
3rd: “Hold My Beer” by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA



1st: “  SAID  A  FATHER  TO  HIS  SON ” by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

           V-1  WHEN THAT BOY STEPPED ON THE BUS SOMETHING CAUGHT MY EYE
                   HE LOOKED JUST LIKE ME AND I GUESSED THE REASON WHY
                   FATE SAT US SIDE BY SIDE HIS NOSE SHAPED LIKE MINE
                   IT WAS LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR GOING BACK IN TIME

           V-2  I SLOWLY TURNED MY HEAD LOOKED AT HIS EYES
                   WONDERED TO MYSELF HAD HIS MOTHER FILLED HIM WITH LIES
                    I COULD BE THE FATHER HE NEVER GOT TO SEE
                    KNOWING THAT HIS MOTHER NEVER MENTIONED ME
 
CHORUS:  SHE WAS PREGNANT I WAS HAPPY TIL SHE FELL FOR SOMEONE NEW
                     OUR LIFE TOGETHER OVER THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO
                     SHE SAID SHE’D TELL HIM THE BABY WAS HIS, IF I’D JUST GO AWAY
                     IT BROKE MY HEART TO LEAVE IT WOULD BE TOO HARD TO STAY

             V-3  I CAME BACK TO TOWN YEARS LATER TO SEE WHAT I WOULD FIND
                     MAKE AMMENDS SEE OLD FRIENDS AND WHAT I LEFT BEHIND
                      I FOUND WHAT I CAME LOOKING FOR RIGHT THERE ON THE BUS
                      THE WHOLE WORLD DISSAPEARED IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF US

             V-4  WE RODE ALONG IN SILENCE, CHECKING EACH OTHER OUT
                     HE COULD SEE WHAT I DID THERE WAS NO LONGER DOUBT
                      I GOT OFF THE BUS TO HIDE MY TEARS SHAKEN AND SAD
                      FELT THE STARE UPON MY BACK HE KNEW I WAS HIS DAD

CHORUS:  SHE WAS PREGNANT I WAS HAPPY TIL SHE FELL FOR SOMEONE NEW
                     OUR LIFE TOGETHER OVER THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO
                     SHE SAID SHE’D TELL HIM THE BABY WAS HIS IF I’D JUST GO AWAY
                     IT BROKE MY HEART TO LEAVE IT WOULD BE TOO HARD TO STAY

  OUTRO:  MY QUESTIONS WERE ALL ANSWERED NOW HIS HAD JUST BEGUN
                    GOODBYE WITH OUT A WORD SAID A FATHER TO HIS SON

I found this lyric appealing, because it told a story I hadn’t heard before.  This slice of a man’s
life is direct but not over-sentimentalized.  The story also gave me a brief look at the secondary
character’s point of view which balanced the “it’s all about me” aspect of such a complex story.  
Though I found some of the main character’s verbiage a bit harsh, it’s his story, and it rings true.  
The only change I would suggest is in the second verse.  I would prefer “I wondered if his mother….”

It’s not necessary to the story, but if the Chorus rhyme pattern was A-B-A-B rather than AA-BB,
it wouldn’t change the message and might allow some variety in the rhyme scheme.  If the writer
should decide to make that change, the second line ‘she’ could be left off and could start with
the line: ‘Said she’d tell him’.  As it’s written, ‘she’ is mentioned four times in the chorus.  

Lastly, I enjoyed that this outro left us wondering how the son would process his awakening.  
I appreciated that this lyricist took the focus off the main character and left me wondering
about the son and how he might handle this revelation.  

2nd: “The Bloody Years (a true story ...)” by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx

The war was over, except for the losing, but hatred was flooding its banks
Bill Taylor had friended the rebels, Bill Sutton served with the Yanks

Sutton got a deputy badge by a crooked sheriff, he had an eye on settling the score
By eighteen hundred sixty five, most felt lucky to be alive, but Bill Sutton - he wanted more     

His right hand men were Dobie and Cotton, with means streaks and blazing fast guns
They'd string up a slave if he worked for a rebel or kill a grey coat for fun  
             
There'd been dustups before but the gas met the match at a Dewitt County house on the plain                    
When Taylor's two brother's in law were shot dead and horse dragged by Sutton's gang

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

For fourteen years the feud raged on with nearly 300 dead by gun or rope
Neither Taylors nor Suttons dared to be alone, neither family met eyes or spoke

The two patriarchs - met on a steamer at Indianola's port of call
With his wife beside him and his best friend, Bill Sutton was ready to draw

He heard a shout -  "You've killed your last Taylor", then saw a Smith and Wesson flame
He pushed his wife away, but on that day Sutton took one to the heart, one to the brain

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

Down in Dewitt County there still lays the graves of many from battle that ensued
The history is written on the crumbling tombstones  'bout the Taylor-Sutton feud

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came  close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor/Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

War’s near over, ‘cept for losing, but hatred floods its banks
Bill Taylor friends the rebels, Bill Sutton serves the Yanks

A crooked sheriff, deputizing Bill, with eye to settle scores
Eighteen hundred sixty-five, Bill Sutton is alive but wanting more     

His right-hand men, Dobie … Cotton, real mean with blazing guns
They string up slaves working for rebels and kill grey coats just for fun  
             
Gas meets match in Dewitt County one day out on the plain                    
Taylor's brother's-in-laws shot dead, horse dragged by Sutton's gang

People heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys.  Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years

For fourteen years the feud’s raged on, near 300 dead
No Taylors or Suttons dare be alone, or so it’s said.

Two patriarchs meet on a steamer port of call
With his wife and friend beside him, Bill Sutton stands to draw

He hears a shout - "You've killed your final Taylor" as a Smith and Wesson flames
Pushes his wife away, Sutton takes one to the heart and to the brain

Most people heard of Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys – Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years

Down in Dewitt County lay the graves of battles that ensued
History’s written on the tombstones 'bout the legend of …. the Taylor-Sutton feud

Most people heard of Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys.  Hear the women cry …  South Texas Bloody Years

I enjoyed this historical lyric, but I do have a few suggestions for improvement
and have included my take on it by moving the story into present tense.  Also,
the meter and pacing struggle throughout the original version, I assume due to
the writer’s attempt to “squeeze in” every piece of information that he or she can.  
Sometimes, as writers, we just need to give up some pieces to have a more listenable
song.   In my suggested version, I’ve simplified the story for the listener.  I also feel
this gives the chorus a hook:  “Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years” and
put the tears on the women who were likely the ones crying.  I think the children go
without saying.  This also slightly shortens the lyric which makes it more palatable.
The point is still made.  It was a bad feud.  I suggest this writer always read and
re-read the lyrics aloud until the words flow easily.  If they don’t keep working on
them until they do.  Good story.  Thank you for the submission.  


3rd: “Hold My Beer” by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA
    
(VERSE 1)
We were all over at Bobby’s for our regular weekend unwind.
He’d built an adult sized slip-n-slide on a very steep incline.
Someone dared ole Bubba to go on and give it a try.
He didn’t need much provoking, he’s a very unstable guy.
Yeah, Bubba didn’t look too steady, that much was clear.
Bobby said, “Bubba you’re up,” and Bubba said, “HERE. Hold my beer.”

(CHORUS)    
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
Something ‘bout a dare on beer disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
“Hold my beer,” usually LIKELY ends with a trip to IN the emergency room.

(VERSE 2)
Bubba took a running start and let out a yell.
It looked like he was having fun, far as we could tell.
Then ole Bubba went airborne when he hit the first dip. (HITTING THAT FIRST DIP)
He must ‘a been doing 50 when he started to flip.
Well Bubba HE was all contorted when he planted in the ground.
I knew from the looks of things, we were “E-R” bound.

(CHORUS)    
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
“Hold my beer,” usually ends with a trip to the emergency room.

(VERSE 3)
The ‘doc’ said, “Bubba’s fine,” but to us the jury’s still out.
It’s a miracle he survived, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
We went in to visit. HIM.   His thinking still wasn’t clear.
He just looked around the room and asked, “Who’s got my beer?”

(FINAL CHORUS)
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
Yeah, hold my beer and watch this! ...weekend can’t get her too soon!
Hold my beer and watch this…see you next Saturday at noon.

I FOUND THIS LYRIC HUMOROUS AND PROBABLY PRETTY ACCURATE.  I HAVE ADDED SUGGESTIONS
AND CROSSED THROUGH WORDS THAT THROW THE METER OFF.   I HAVEN’T HEARD THE SONG PERFORMED,
BUT IT’S CLEVER AND I THINK IT WILL SING BETTER WITH THESE CHANGES.  I WANT TO ENCOURAGE
THE WRITER TO READ THE LYRICS ALOUD WITHOUT MUSIC OVER AND OVER UNTIL THE WORDS FLOW
SMOOTHLY.  IF THEY DON’T, IT’S PROBABLY BEST TO REARRANGE SOME THINGS OR CUT THE FAT.  
THANK YOU FOR THE SUBMISSION.

Dallas Songwriters Association appreciates your entries.
Keep ‘em coming.  Until next time, keep writing your stories.
Alexis Tapp
DSA Lyric Judge

DSA LYRIC CONTEST WINTER 2024 WINNERS

                                         Judging by Alexis Tapp

SEMIFINALISTS

Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
Whispers Of The Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
She Was Just Having Fun by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx

WINNERS
1. Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
2.  SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
3. Whispers of the Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ
4. Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ

FOURTH PLACE
Echos of Your Name by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ

(Verse 1)
In the quiet of the dawn, as the world awakes,
I find myself wandering, for my heart's sake.
Through the whispering pines, and down by the creek.
I hear your laughter in every word I speak.

(Chorus)
It's the echoes of your name that keep me whole,
The warmth of your memory, the fire in my soul.
In this world of shadows, you're my guiding light, (You’re the song in my heart … a poem in my mind.)
My love, my beacon, through the darkest night.  ( My love, my muse, you’re my guiding light,)

(Verse 2)
Beneath the vast Texas sky, I lay me down,
Your image in the stars, in the heavens found.
The moon shares your smile, the wind, your caress,
In the arms of the night, I find my rest.

(Chorus) ( It is best to keep your choruses the same, so I’ve suggested a merge above.)
It's the echoes of your name that call me back,
To the days of our youth, on that forgotten track.
You're the song in my heart, the poetry in my mind,
My love, my muse, forever intertwined.

(Bridge)
In the solitude of my mind, where your voice still rings, ( In the quiet night, where you voice still rings)
I find solace in the pain and the joy it brings. ( Oh, those gentle tones … and the joy they bring.)
Each tear tat fall, like rain from above. (Each tear that falls, like rain from above,)
Waters the seeds of our undying love. (Waters the seeds of our undying love.) 

(My suggestion is to cut words.
Simplify & keep it positive.)
 

(Verse 3)
As the seasons change and the years roll by,  (As season’s change and the years roll by, )
My heart remains yours under this wide Texas sky. (My heart is yours ‘neath the wide Texas sky.)
Through every storm and calm, in every breath I take, ( Every storm and calm, every breath I take,)
I carry you with me with every step I make. ( I will carry you …every step I make.)
 

(Outro)
So here's to the echoes of a love so true,
Till the end of my days, in this life's great expanse,
I'll hold onto your love and our timeless dance.

(Thank you for submitting such a perfectly laid out and easy to follow lyric. I hope to see more of your work. My purpose is to offer some suggestions that may improve your lyric. I show examples of a more natural flow in a few places. I’d like to see you work on making each line less forced for the sake of rhyme. How would you say the same thing in a conversation with someone else? Probably not as poetically as you have here.I’ve moved a few lines and omitted others as an example. Sometimes just a few changes in a stanza can bring more imagery and depth to your story. Another suggestion is to keep all chorus’s the same unless there’s no other way, so I’ve show a merged version using lines from both of your original choruses. In closing, it’s important to read your lyrics aloud over and over to see where you need an extra word or how your stresses fall, and how it sounds rolling off the tongue. Just because it rhymes, doesn’t make it worthy of being the right word. Think outside the box a bit. Put more of your personal examples of pain or joy into it. If it doesn’t come out naturally, don’t force it. The goal is to tell the best story that sounds appealing to your listeners and maybe get a cut with an artist, so it’s worthy of the extra work. Does your story take the listener anywhere special? Can you, personally, visualize the progress of the story? I like that you have your title as your hook in the first line of the chorus, but in addition to that, consider this: some great songs have choruses that start with a question, so you could even play around with the chorus with the purpose of creating more drama and angst:: 

Is that your shadow when I’m alone?
Are you the beacon who lights my soul?
Warmth of our memories … fire to my soul,
Can echoes of your name keep me whole? )

 

THIRD PLACE
Whispers of the Wind by Robert Juch, Oro Valley AZ

(Verse 1)
The sun dips low in the Texas sky,
Paints the clouds in a crimson dye.
Lone star shines on a dusty road,
Where my heart lies, where my stories are told. ( “and my sories told” might work better for flow.)

(Chorus)
Whispers of the wind carry me home,
To the place where I never feel alone.
Through the valleys low, over hills so high, (Try to use some examples or draw the audience some) images.
In the arms of Texas, under that wide sky. ( I’d like to hear something personal. Why do you feel this way?)

(Verse 2)
Shadows dance in the firelight's glow,
Songs of old, in the embers show.
Ghosts of the past come out to play,
In the quiet of the night, till the break of day.

(Chorus)
Whispers of the wind, tell me tales,
Of lost love and lonesome trails.
Through the mesquite and the sage so sweet,
I find my solace; I find my peace.

(Bridge)
Under the vast, starry dome,
I wander, but I'm never far from home.
Each step I take on this land so grand,
Brings me closer to understanding this land.

(Verse 3)
Morning comes with a gentle breeze,
Stirring the silence, rustling the leaves.
The world awakes to a brand new day,
In the heart of Texas, where I'll stay.

(Outro)
So let the whispers of the wind guide my way,
Through the hills and valleys, come what may.
In the spirit of Texas, I'll roam free,
Till the whispers of the wind bring me home to thee.



SECOND PLACE

 SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

V-1 

SHE SPOKE INTO MY EYES, “ARE YOU READY MY FRIEND?” ( Watch your stresses and how many syllables for smoother lines.)
I SLID THE GUN UNDER MY SHIRT SAID, “I’M HERE TIL THE END”. (You don’t need the “I” because you say “my” and ‘neath’ instead of “under” rolls smoother.)
WE PUT ON OUR MASKS AN’ PUSHED THROUGH THE DOOR
SHE HAD A SMILE ON HER FACE AS WE ROBBED OUR FIRST STORE. ( I swear she smiled… as we robed that store.)

V-2 

WE RAN OUT THE SIDE JUMPED IN OUR CAR
SPED AROUND THE BLOCK STOPPED AT A TOPLESS BAR. (‘round). “topless “doesn’t add anything to the story and it works against smooth flow of the line.)
SAT DOWN BESIDE HER AND BOUGHT US A DRINK
TOO NERVOUS TO TALK AFRAID TO THINK (“And too scared to think” sounds better than afraid and rolls off the tongue better.)

CHORUS: 

SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE LIKED TO BE FREE
THE FIRE IN HER EYES WAS ALL I COULD SEE
I STARTED FEELING GUILTY FOR WHAT WE HAD DONE “‘Except me, feeling guilty for what we’d done” corrects your cadence.
THERE WAS NO END IN SIGHT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN

V-3 

 SHE SAID I’M FEELING LUCKY LETS TRY A BANK
I HAD NO ONE TO BLAME AND JUST HER TO THANK
WE STOOD IN LINE SHE’S DRESSED LIKE A NUN
THE TELLER SMILED TILL I SHOWED HER MY GUN

V-4 

SHE READ THE NOTE AND STARTED TO PRAY
NOBODY NOTICED WE QUICKLY WALKED AWAY “Nobody noticed as we rushed away” (Quickly seems to crowds the line)
IT WAS A HOT AFTERNOON THE SKY RAINING SUN ‘On a hot afternoon, the sky rained sun”. (I’m attempting to show to cut words when you can.)
I WAS FEELING THE HEAT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN.

V-5 

SHE GOT OUT AT A STORE FOR CIGARETTES AND WINE She got out at a store…for smokes and wine. (I think you have too many syllables in this line.)
SOMETHING WAS WRONG SHE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME “Something went wrong when she went inside” rolls smoother off the tongue.
I HEARD THE GUN FIRE AS HER PLAN CAME UNDONE “I heard the gun as her plan came undone”
SHE RAN OUT IN HEELS SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN “As she ran out in heals. She was just having fun”:

CHORUS: 

SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE LIKED TO BE FREE
THE FIRE IN HER EYES WAS ALL I COULD SEE
I STARTED FEELING GUILTY FOR WHAT WE HAD DONE “Except me feeling guilty for what we’d done”. Again, “started feeling guilty” seems wordy.
THERE WAS NO END IN SIGHT SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN

V-6 

 ONE DAY SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME NEVER SAID A WORD. I like the word ‘The’ to start this line. Just a thought. Listen to the difference out loud.
HE WAS WAITING OUTSIDE GOODBYE’S ALL I HEARD. “Her new guy was waiting, goodbye’s all I heard” “He” is unclear. What is the listener hearing?
SHE WAS THE ONLY TROUBLE I COULDN’T OUTRUN “only” doesn’t fit the rhythm of the line. I would remove it.
I WATCHED EM’ SPEED AWAY SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN They sped away. She was just having fun. (works better than I watched).

BRIDGE: 

LIKE AN ANGEL IN HER EASTER DRESS A QUEEN ON HALOWEEN I was enjoying this lyric a lot, and then this bridge derailed it for me.
SHE WAS THE CUTEST CHEERLEADER ANY TEAM HAD EVER SEEN The first two lines have too many words and though it may be intended as a surprise
ALWAYS DID HER HOMEWORK STAYED IN EVERY NIGHT element. I feel like it needs a lot of work. Why are suddenly hearing about her past?
TRIED TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT If it’s back story, I truly don’t get it.

V-7 

THEIR NEXT HOIST WENT WRONG THERE WERE COPS ALL AROUND
SHE TOOK A BULLET TO THE HEAD FELL FLAT ON THE GROUND To the ‘head’ throws the ‘SMILE’ story. I’d try ‘chest” or “heart’ or something.
SHE HAD THAT SMILE ON HER FACE AS HER LIFE SLIPED AWAY As I alluded to, if she had a bullet to the head, she wouldn’t be smiling.
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN ON HER LAST DAY “on her very last day” might be better. The line needs that extra bit.
SHE WAS JUST HAVING FUN SHE -WAS JUST HAVING FUN

Thank you for submitting this off-beat and interesting song. I really enjoyed it, but I would suggest you take a look at my notes I’ve offered to help cleaning up problem areas I’ve mentioned. If you already have music for it, maybe you’re  making the lyrics work by the way you phrase your words, but just reading it without music, it definitely could use a few fixes. And I would consider leaving out the bridge. Good job. Keep writing and submitting. I enjoyed seeing your work.

FIRST PLACE

Common Thread by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
 

Verse:
A seamstress old and fragile with motions sure and slow
Commences with a simple cloth and then begins to sew
And over time, the cloth evolves into a lovely form
So beautiful the workmanship, yet lost if never worn

Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread (wardrobes seem stiff here. Maybe just the gift.)

Verse:
The cloth we saw before us plain and ready to be sewn (“plain” squeeze the words at bit.)
Has become a thing of beauty as both of us have grown,
And like the woven fabric, each weave has kept us strong (‘every’
To weather times of hardship, to keep us safe and warm

Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread

Bridge:
So we shall pass to others this gift on us bestowed -
That new threads may be woven and new cloths may be sewed
To create a new beginning - bound by threads of gold
Interlaced with the beauty of life, and hope, and love I would leave out “the” as it doesn’t flow as well with as without.

Chorus:
And when the gift is given to one who is in need
Of such a lovely garment and such a thoughtful deed
What started from a simple cloth will now begin to spread
So wardrobes can be woven from a single common thread
From a single common thread ...


Beautiful job. I enjoyed your lyric and appreciate the effort you put into it. I hope you’ll submit to DSA again soon. Your attention to detail is a gift to the reader or listener. I enjoyed the folksy-feel as the story carries through.
Thank you for your submission.

DSA SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS 2023

Thanks to Lyric Contest judge Alexis Tapp for her comments.

 SEMIFINALISTS
BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
The Last Song  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX

WINNERS
 
1st Place: The Last Song  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX
 
They gathered in a circle – the children sat amazed
Broken by the giant hearth which flickered in their gaze…
Within their midst a figure – with pain he slowly spoke
As firelight changed his features, half covered by his cloak…
 
He spoke of times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
His words drew great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
And through the night they listened – so many things they learned
Until the Old Man faltered, and to them all he turned…
 
“My dear and lovely children…in life be always strong
Remember Truths I’ve told you…and keep the Right from Wrong.”
"But now my time has ended", he whispered with a sigh,
"My wish is that you'll join with me to sing - a last goodbye…."
 
Their fragile hearts were broken – they’d loved him so for years
But sing they did the last goodbye while fighting little tears.
The song was something special he’d taught them long ago,
And as they sang the embers dimmed, and wind began to blow…
 
While in the second stanza, the Old Man settled down;
And as the ember turned to ash, they stopped without a sound…
He’d gone before the ending – and they began to cry…
They loved the Old Man dearly and hoped to say goodbye…
 
The room was cold and silent; and time had frozen still –
The children’s hearts were empty where once his love had filled.
Without a kiss and warm farewell as they had known before,
The children slowly gathered, and pulled upon the door –
 
But as it slowly opened, and light rays splashed around
They heard a thunderous chorus of a well familiar sound!
It seemed the woods were singing the stanza left unsung…
The song that they had ended, had only just begun…
 
They remembered times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
They saw the great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
Now standing in the doorway, they felt his warm goodbye.
And knew he’d live forever - as the flicker in their eyes…
 
I wouldn’t change a thing.  Wonderfully told story.  Thank you for your submission into the DSA Lyric Contest,
and congratulations on taking first place.  I hope to see more from you. 
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp
 
 
 
2nd Place: THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
 
She introduced me to the world,
Made me feel I was enough.
Before she knew who I might be
I was her first true love
 
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, my life still undefined.
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, she was She’s the first one who held mine. 
I’d consider writing a hooky 3rd line to have a consistent, meaningful line in all the choruses like:
                  “I was her first love and she was mine, and I’ll love her for all time.”
                 
She watched my first steps from a crawl.
Read me books of make believe.          
Each night with folded hands we’d pray
Our “lay me downs to sleep.”
 
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, I’d look up to her and shine.
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
 
I rolled my eyes, distanced myself,  “and pulled away”. You lost meter in this line.  I suggest fixing that.
As much as I thought I could,           This line doesn’t add to the story. I suggest trying to find something better.
Her love was unconditional,
Even when Though I felt she never understood.  You lost your meter again. This is your weakest stanza.
Example: “Even when I felt misunderstood.”
 
I’m barely (the word gently is prettier) touching Mom’s hand, many at times I crossed the line.  meter
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand, yet she’s she was the first one who held mine. 
     (or “yet she’s the one who first held mine”.)
If you use “my Mom”, it keeps the 2 syllable needed to mimmick the cadence of the other choruses.
 
It’s my time to embrace take her hand,
And raise her up if she should fall.
I’ll be her guide and help her stand.
She (My mother) is my first love after all.
 
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand, our hearts always intwined.  
I’ll forever hold my Mother ‘s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
 
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand,
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand,
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand,                      
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand,
She was the first one who held mine.
 
Thank you for your submission and congratulations on second place in the DSA Monthly Lyric. 
Comments from your lyric judge:  Alexis Tapp
  

3rd Place:  BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
 
      V-1   RED HAIR DANCED ACROSS HER FACE LIKE FIRE Through BURNING TREES. Fixes meter
               RIPS AND HOLES IN FADED JEANS JUST ADDED TO THE TEASE
               I PICKED UP THE HITCH HIKING TEEN WE RODE SILENT FOR A WHILE
              Picked up the teens, hitch-hiking.  Rode silent for a while.  Fixes rhythm of the line by rearranging words. 
               SHE LOOKED LOST IN THOUGHT THEN I SAW A LITTLE SMILE.
 
       V-2  I ASKED WHAT’S YOUR NAME BUT SHE DIDN’T SAY A WORD
               THEN she TURNED & LOOKED AT ME SAID THE SWEETEST THING I’VE HEARD
               BECAUSE YOU RESCUED ME I’LL LEAVE MY NEW NAME UP TO YOU
               I’M RUNNING FROM A BROKEN LIFE I NEED TO START ANEW. I’d switch lines 3 & 4.
                          
  CHORUS:  WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
                       I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
                       I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
                       TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
 
          V-3 THAT’S A GREAT NAME SHE SAID I LIKE IT A LOT.  This line is short and meter’s off.
                  NOW MY NAME IS BLUE AND THAT NAME IS ALL I GOT  ?
                  MY PAST WON’T EVER FIND ME NOW I DIDN’T LEAVE A CLUE
                  AND IF ANYONE TRIES THEY WON’T BE LOOKING FOR BLUE
 
       V-3  SHE SAID YOU CAN DROP ME OFF HERE THIS LOOKS LIKE A NICE TOWN
               I OFFERED TO STOP AND HELP HER LOOK AROUND.  short
               NO YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH FOR ME OH AND THANKS so much AGAIN
               SHE SMILED WHEN I SAID my GOODBYEs AND WAVED TO MY NEW FRIEND
 
  BRIDGE:  SHE SAID IT’S TIME FOR ME AND MY NEW START I HAVE A LOT TO DO
                        She said it’s time for my new start.  I have a lot to do.
                    AND IF I EVER HAVE A SON I MIGHT NAME HIM AFTER YOU              
                                          
  CHORUS:  WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
                     I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
                     I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
                       TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
Congratulations on third place in the lyric contest.
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp.
 
4th Place:  FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
 
 V-1  THE  AD SAID FREE PIANO IT’S YOURS TO TAKE AWAY
          I WAS NO MUSICIAN MAYBE I COULD LEARN TO PLAY
         THE PIANO RESTED ON THE SECOND FLOOR HAD BEEN THERE FOR YEARS
         AS THE MOVERS ROLLED IT OUT THE DOOR THE MAN BROKE DOWN IN TEARS
 
  V-2  I SHOOK HIS KNARLED HAND HE SAID I’LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN
          HE HANDED ME A LEARNERS BOOK SAID GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND
          THE PIANO OLD AND SCRATCHED STAINED FROM FOOD AND DRINKS
           BUT TO ME IT WAS BEAUTIFUL I WOULDN’T CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS
            This last line is too long and meter doesn’t work.  See what you can do to reword it.
 
    CH:  I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG 
             WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
             OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
             WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
 
  V-3  I ENJOYED IT FOR MANY YEARS NOW MY HANDS SHAKE TOO MUCH TO  PLAY.
Cut it down, maybe simply “won’t”
          IT BROKE MY HEART TO THINK IT BUT I DECIDED  TO GIVE IT AWAY. “I had”
          I PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER SAID  FREE PIANO FOR ANYONE
          A YOUNG MAN CAME TO GET IT SAID PLAYING MIGHT BE FUN
 
          V-4  I GAVE HIM THE OLD LEARNERS BOOK WITH MY NOTES FOLDED INSIDE
                  FORCED A CROOKED SMILE TO COVER TEARS I HAD TO HIDE                   
                 AS HE WHEELED IT OUT THE DOOR I TURNED AROUND TO SEE
                 A SMILING YOUNG FACE IN THE MIRROR OR WAS THAT Young Man REALLY ME
 
    CH:  I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG 
             WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
             OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
             WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
            (WE ALL SANG LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE JUST GLAD WE’RE HERE)
I love complete sentences in most writing, but in songs, it often helps meter and simplifies what the listener must understand, if we cut some extraneous wording.  I’ve offered some ideas about “cutting the fat”.  Of course, if you have composed music for this lyric, you may be singing it, squeezing in the words, but if your work is put before a publisher, it would be nice for the meter of each line to be smooth and obvious.  Meter needs to be given importance in our writing, even if we have to write and rewrite and rewrite to get there.  Count stresses and syllables in each line to create a better crafted lyric.  Thank you for your submission.  I liked your story and offer the above as encouragement to perfect your craft. 
Comments from your lyric judge:  Alexis Tapp

DSA 2023 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS - judge - Alexis Tapp

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director  Alexis Tapp for her comments

 2023 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST FINALISTS 

FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA

Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland

Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx

FIRST PLACE

    FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA  

(Verse 1)

In a small hospital room, the  air heavy with sorrow.

Loved ones ALL gathered close, NOT sure of tomorrow.

In those final moments, with time slipS away;

we hold on to the memories, as we quietly pray.

(Chorus)

In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.  PERHAPS “TO GET THROUGH THE PAIN”

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, as our grief overflows.

(Verse 2)

We recallING the milestones, the journey we shared.

The dreams we pursued, the burdens we bared.

Through the highs and lows, we stood hand in hand.

In those final moments, we'll forever understand.  PRAYERS ALL WE HAD.

(Chorus)

^{In the} final moments, love's tears fall like rain.  

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, as our grief overflows.

(Bridge)

As we watch you drift away, to a THAT peaceful place;

We find solace in knowing, you'll find eternal grace.  

WE FIND SOLACE THAT YOU’RE FINDING … ETERNAL GRACE.

Though our hearts deeply ache, as grief takes us all;

In those final moments, our lives can seem so small.

YOU DON’T REALLY NEED IN THOSE FINAL MOMENTS IN THE BRIDGE.

AND I WOULD SHORTEN IT.  I THINK THE FIRST TWO LINES ARE POWERFUL ON THEIR OWN.

AND I BELIEVE THE OUTRO COULD FOLLOW THE BRIDGE NICELY FOR AN ENDING TO THE SONG

AND KEEPING IT SHORT WILL MAKE IT MORE PALITABLE FOR THE SUBJECT MATTER AND FOR COMMERCIAL USE.   I could feel the emotions of the song.  I think it’s best to keep the lyric as simplified as possible, so the meaning of the lyric remains strong and uncluttered and makes its impact.

(Outro)

In the final moments, as we hold on tight;

There’s comfort in knowing you always walked in light.

Though you are gone, your spirit lives within,  MAYBE:, THOUGH YOU’RE GONE, YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON

IN our hearts and our souls…this final moment’s not the end.  THAT LAST PHRASE SEEMS REDUNDANT

(Chorus)

In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, our love only grows.

Second Place

Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland

Thoughts for your Chorus:

Broken by war, fear in my heart  

Bombs of destruction, tore lives apart … broken by war. 

Tears flowing down, my heart’s heavy with pain,     

No glimmer of hope, efforts in vain (rearranged with line above) 

A country’s humanity, shaken to the core  … broken by war     

Good ideas and some interesting lines, however, I suggest some re-writing for your chorus which is a bit long and has an awkward rhyme pattern that doesn’t work well.

I would like to see you work a bit more on the whole piece and make an attempt to 

change your rhyme scheme. I’ve offered my suggestions above to use or not use as 

you see fit.  Try to think outside the box a bit and create more visuals if possible, so

the listener goes right to the moment and feels what you want them to feel

            Third Place

Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx

When Tammy turned five  

Mother said she was like  

The Rain Man, curiously slow 

Rare bird, wires cross, still perfect soul. 

Not the same as us, her wires somehow crossed  

She was a rare bird, an imperfect soul  

 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything 

Without clipped wings  

One day, I found her, crying alone,

Another bad day as part of a joke.

Made to feel dumb, blameless heart was broke.

Bewildered and hurt, being made to feel dumb.

 

One day when I got home, she was crying all alone  

Once again the focus of the joke 

The pain of feeling dumb, that thought leaves me numb 

Bewildered, her blameless heart was broke 

  

She could be anything she dreamed, anything 

Without clipped wings  

 

Cut feathers keep a songbird from flying stronger.

Its true mean words carry weight 

Stuck somewhere between, her plumes, they were not preened 

She was enough. She’s part of God’s grace 

Mean words, cut feathers carry such weight.

But my songbird still 

 

When nightingales sang the music proclaimed

All that she could be 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything    

Without clipped wings  

 

I wish the whole world could see 

She’s the same kind of different as you and me   

 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything   

Without clipped wings  

Without clipped wings 

Without clipped wings