DSA SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS 2023

Thanks to Lyric Contest judge Alexis Tapp for her comments.

 SEMIFINALISTS
BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
The Last Song  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX

WINNERS
 
1st Place: The Last Song  by Wayne Gathright, Austin, TX
 
They gathered in a circle – the children sat amazed
Broken by the giant hearth which flickered in their gaze…
Within their midst a figure – with pain he slowly spoke
As firelight changed his features, half covered by his cloak…
 
He spoke of times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
His words drew great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
And through the night they listened – so many things they learned
Until the Old Man faltered, and to them all he turned…
 
“My dear and lovely children…in life be always strong
Remember Truths I’ve told you…and keep the Right from Wrong.”
"But now my time has ended", he whispered with a sigh,
"My wish is that you'll join with me to sing - a last goodbye…."
 
Their fragile hearts were broken – they’d loved him so for years
But sing they did the last goodbye while fighting little tears.
The song was something special he’d taught them long ago,
And as they sang the embers dimmed, and wind began to blow…
 
While in the second stanza, the Old Man settled down;
And as the ember turned to ash, they stopped without a sound…
He’d gone before the ending – and they began to cry…
They loved the Old Man dearly and hoped to say goodbye…
 
The room was cold and silent; and time had frozen still –
The children’s hearts were empty where once his love had filled.
Without a kiss and warm farewell as they had known before,
The children slowly gathered, and pulled upon the door –
 
But as it slowly opened, and light rays splashed around
They heard a thunderous chorus of a well familiar sound!
It seemed the woods were singing the stanza left unsung…
The song that they had ended, had only just begun…
 
They remembered times forgotten…of worlds and things unknown–
They saw the great adventures of distant lands he roamed…
Now standing in the doorway, they felt his warm goodbye.
And knew he’d live forever - as the flicker in their eyes…
 
I wouldn’t change a thing.  Wonderfully told story.  Thank you for your submission into the DSA Lyric Contest,
and congratulations on taking first place.  I hope to see more from you. 
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp
 
 
 
2nd Place: THE FIRST by Karla Langston, Sachse, Tx
 
She introduced me to the world,
Made me feel I was enough.
Before she knew who I might be
I was her first true love
 
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, my life still undefined.
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand, she was She’s the first one who held mine. 
I’d consider writing a hooky 3rd line to have a consistent, meaningful line in all the choruses like:
                  “I was her first love and she was mine, and I’ll love her for all time.”
                 
She watched my first steps from a crawl.
Read me books of make believe.          
Each night with folded hands we’d pray
Our “lay me downs to sleep.”
 
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, I’d look up to her and shine.
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
 
I rolled my eyes, distanced myself,  “and pulled away”. You lost meter in this line.  I suggest fixing that.
As much as I thought I could,           This line doesn’t add to the story. I suggest trying to find something better.
Her love was unconditional,
Even when Though I felt she never understood.  You lost your meter again. This is your weakest stanza.
Example: “Even when I felt misunderstood.”
 
I’m barely (the word gently is prettier) touching Mom’s hand, many at times I crossed the line.  meter
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand, yet she’s she was the first one who held mine. 
     (or “yet she’s the one who first held mine”.)
If you use “my Mom”, it keeps the 2 syllable needed to mimmick the cadence of the other choruses.
 
It’s my time to embrace take her hand,
And raise her up if she should fall.
I’ll be her guide and help her stand.
She (My mother) is my first love after all.
 
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand, our hearts always intwined.  
I’ll forever hold my Mother ‘s hand, she was the first one who held mine.
 
I’m grasping at my mamma’s hand,
I’m holding tight to mommy’s hand,
I’m barely touching Mom’s hand,                      
I’ll forever hold my Mother’s hand,
She was the first one who held mine.
 
Thank you for your submission and congratulations on second place in the DSA Monthly Lyric. 
Comments from your lyric judge:  Alexis Tapp
  

3rd Place:  BLUE by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
 
      V-1   RED HAIR DANCED ACROSS HER FACE LIKE FIRE Through BURNING TREES. Fixes meter
               RIPS AND HOLES IN FADED JEANS JUST ADDED TO THE TEASE
               I PICKED UP THE HITCH HIKING TEEN WE RODE SILENT FOR A WHILE
              Picked up the teens, hitch-hiking.  Rode silent for a while.  Fixes rhythm of the line by rearranging words. 
               SHE LOOKED LOST IN THOUGHT THEN I SAW A LITTLE SMILE.
 
       V-2  I ASKED WHAT’S YOUR NAME BUT SHE DIDN’T SAY A WORD
               THEN she TURNED & LOOKED AT ME SAID THE SWEETEST THING I’VE HEARD
               BECAUSE YOU RESCUED ME I’LL LEAVE MY NEW NAME UP TO YOU
               I’M RUNNING FROM A BROKEN LIFE I NEED TO START ANEW. I’d switch lines 3 & 4.
                          
  CHORUS:  WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
                       I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
                       I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
                       TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
 
          V-3 THAT’S A GREAT NAME SHE SAID I LIKE IT A LOT.  This line is short and meter’s off.
                  NOW MY NAME IS BLUE AND THAT NAME IS ALL I GOT  ?
                  MY PAST WON’T EVER FIND ME NOW I DIDN’T LEAVE A CLUE
                  AND IF ANYONE TRIES THEY WON’T BE LOOKING FOR BLUE
 
       V-3  SHE SAID YOU CAN DROP ME OFF HERE THIS LOOKS LIKE A NICE TOWN
               I OFFERED TO STOP AND HELP HER LOOK AROUND.  short
               NO YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH FOR ME OH AND THANKS so much AGAIN
               SHE SMILED WHEN I SAID my GOODBYEs AND WAVED TO MY NEW FRIEND
 
  BRIDGE:  SHE SAID IT’S TIME FOR ME AND MY NEW START I HAVE A LOT TO DO
                        She said it’s time for my new start.  I have a lot to do.
                    AND IF I EVER HAVE A SON I MIGHT NAME HIM AFTER YOU              
                                          
  CHORUS:  WELL I DIDN’T EVEN NAME MYSELF SO THIS IS SOMETHING NEW
                     I’LL TRY AND KEEP IT SHORT I THINK I’LL CALL YOU BLUE
                     I HOPE YOUR NEW LIFE’S GOOD TO YOU AND HAPPINESS YOU FIND
                       TAKE YOUR NEW NAME BLUE AND LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
Congratulations on third place in the lyric contest.
Comments from your lyric judge, Alexis Tapp.
 
4th Place:  FREE PIANO by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
 
 V-1  THE  AD SAID FREE PIANO IT’S YOURS TO TAKE AWAY
          I WAS NO MUSICIAN MAYBE I COULD LEARN TO PLAY
         THE PIANO RESTED ON THE SECOND FLOOR HAD BEEN THERE FOR YEARS
         AS THE MOVERS ROLLED IT OUT THE DOOR THE MAN BROKE DOWN IN TEARS
 
  V-2  I SHOOK HIS KNARLED HAND HE SAID I’LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN
          HE HANDED ME A LEARNERS BOOK SAID GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND
          THE PIANO OLD AND SCRATCHED STAINED FROM FOOD AND DRINKS
           BUT TO ME IT WAS BEAUTIFUL I WOULDN’T CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS
            This last line is too long and meter doesn’t work.  See what you can do to reword it.
 
    CH:  I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG 
             WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
             OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
             WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
 
  V-3  I ENJOYED IT FOR MANY YEARS NOW MY HANDS SHAKE TOO MUCH TO  PLAY.
Cut it down, maybe simply “won’t”
          IT BROKE MY HEART TO THINK IT BUT I DECIDED  TO GIVE IT AWAY. “I had”
          I PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER SAID  FREE PIANO FOR ANYONE
          A YOUNG MAN CAME TO GET IT SAID PLAYING MIGHT BE FUN
 
          V-4  I GAVE HIM THE OLD LEARNERS BOOK WITH MY NOTES FOLDED INSIDE
                  FORCED A CROOKED SMILE TO COVER TEARS I HAD TO HIDE                   
                 AS HE WHEELED IT OUT THE DOOR I TURNED AROUND TO SEE
                 A SMILING YOUNG FACE IN THE MIRROR OR WAS THAT Young Man REALLY ME
 
    CH:  I LEARNED TO PLAY THAT PIANO AND MY FRIENDS WOULD SING ALONG 
             WE’D LAUGH AND DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY BELTING OUT EVERY SONG
             OUR SHADOWS DANCED ON THE WALLS THE PIANO SOAKED WITH BEER
             WE SANG OUT LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE GLAD TO BE HERE
            (WE ALL SANG LOUD AND PROUD SINGING WE’RE JUST GLAD WE’RE HERE)
I love complete sentences in most writing, but in songs, it often helps meter and simplifies what the listener must understand, if we cut some extraneous wording.  I’ve offered some ideas about “cutting the fat”.  Of course, if you have composed music for this lyric, you may be singing it, squeezing in the words, but if your work is put before a publisher, it would be nice for the meter of each line to be smooth and obvious.  Meter needs to be given importance in our writing, even if we have to write and rewrite and rewrite to get there.  Count stresses and syllables in each line to create a better crafted lyric.  Thank you for your submission.  I liked your story and offer the above as encouragement to perfect your craft. 
Comments from your lyric judge:  Alexis Tapp

DSA 2023 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS - judge - Alexis Tapp

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director  Alexis Tapp for her comments

 2023 SPRING LYRIC CONTEST FINALISTS 

FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA

Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland

Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx

FIRST PLACE

    FINAL MOMENTS by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA  

(Verse 1)

In a small hospital room, the  air heavy with sorrow.

Loved ones ALL gathered close, NOT sure of tomorrow.

In those final moments, with time slipS away;

we hold on to the memories, as we quietly pray.

(Chorus)

In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.  PERHAPS “TO GET THROUGH THE PAIN”

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, as our grief overflows.

(Verse 2)

We recallING the milestones, the journey we shared.

The dreams we pursued, the burdens we bared.

Through the highs and lows, we stood hand in hand.

In those final moments, we'll forever understand.  PRAYERS ALL WE HAD.

(Chorus)

^{In the} final moments, love's tears fall like rain.  

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, as our grief overflows.

(Bridge)

As we watch you drift away, to a THAT peaceful place;

We find solace in knowing, you'll find eternal grace.  

WE FIND SOLACE THAT YOU’RE FINDING … ETERNAL GRACE.

Though our hearts deeply ache, as grief takes us all;

In those final moments, our lives can seem so small.

YOU DON’T REALLY NEED IN THOSE FINAL MOMENTS IN THE BRIDGE.

AND I WOULD SHORTEN IT.  I THINK THE FIRST TWO LINES ARE POWERFUL ON THEIR OWN.

AND I BELIEVE THE OUTRO COULD FOLLOW THE BRIDGE NICELY FOR AN ENDING TO THE SONG

AND KEEPING IT SHORT WILL MAKE IT MORE PALITABLE FOR THE SUBJECT MATTER AND FOR COMMERCIAL USE.   I could feel the emotions of the song.  I think it’s best to keep the lyric as simplified as possible, so the meaning of the lyric remains strong and uncluttered and makes its impact.

(Outro)

In the final moments, as we hold on tight;

There’s comfort in knowing you always walked in light.

Though you are gone, your spirit lives within,  MAYBE:, THOUGH YOU’RE GONE, YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON

IN our hearts and our souls…this final moment’s not the end.  THAT LAST PHRASE SEEMS REDUNDANT

(Chorus)

In the final moments, love's tears fall like rain.

We cherish the laughter, the joy, and the pain.

We say our goodbyes, though it's hard to let go.

In those final moments, our love only grows.

Second Place

Broken By War by Michael Cantrell, Salisbury, Maryland

Thoughts for your Chorus:

Broken by war, fear in my heart  

Bombs of destruction, tore lives apart … broken by war. 

Tears flowing down, my heart’s heavy with pain,     

No glimmer of hope, efforts in vain (rearranged with line above) 

A country’s humanity, shaken to the core  … broken by war     

Good ideas and some interesting lines, however, I suggest some re-writing for your chorus which is a bit long and has an awkward rhyme pattern that doesn’t work well.

I would like to see you work a bit more on the whole piece and make an attempt to 

change your rhyme scheme. I’ve offered my suggestions above to use or not use as 

you see fit.  Try to think outside the box a bit and create more visuals if possible, so

the listener goes right to the moment and feels what you want them to feel

            Third Place

Without Clipped Wings by Cheryl Cawood, Hitchcock, Tx

When Tammy turned five  

Mother said she was like  

The Rain Man, curiously slow 

Rare bird, wires cross, still perfect soul. 

Not the same as us, her wires somehow crossed  

She was a rare bird, an imperfect soul  

 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything 

Without clipped wings  

One day, I found her, crying alone,

Another bad day as part of a joke.

Made to feel dumb, blameless heart was broke.

Bewildered and hurt, being made to feel dumb.

 

One day when I got home, she was crying all alone  

Once again the focus of the joke 

The pain of feeling dumb, that thought leaves me numb 

Bewildered, her blameless heart was broke 

  

She could be anything she dreamed, anything 

Without clipped wings  

 

Cut feathers keep a songbird from flying stronger.

Its true mean words carry weight 

Stuck somewhere between, her plumes, they were not preened 

She was enough. She’s part of God’s grace 

Mean words, cut feathers carry such weight.

But my songbird still 

 

When nightingales sang the music proclaimed

All that she could be 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything    

Without clipped wings  

 

I wish the whole world could see 

She’s the same kind of different as you and me   

 

She could be anything she dreamed, anything   

Without clipped wings  

Without clipped wings 

Without clipped wings

 

DALLAS SONGWRITERS 2023 WINTER LYIC CONTEST WINNERS

 2023 Winter Lyric Contest - Thanks to judge Michael Brandenberger

First Place - Kingdom Come by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

 V-1   PICKED UP A STRAGGLY HITCHIKER ASKED WHERE HE WAS GOING
           HE LOOKED UP TO THE SKY HE HAD CARDS HE WASN’T SHOWING
           I SAID YOU CAN’T SIT IN THE FRONT THIS TRUCK IS BRAND NEW
          AND NO OFFENCE BUT I DON’T WANT THE SEATS TO LOOK LIKE YOU

V-2  I SAID JUMP UP INTO THE PICK-UP BED HOLD ON TO THE SIDE
        THIS TRUCK RIDES PRETTY SMOOTH YOU’LL ENJOY THE RIDE
         WE STOPED FOR GAS HE SAID HE HADN’T EATEN IN A WHILE
         I SAID I HAVE SOME LEFTOVERS AT HOME I SAW A BIG SMILE


 V-3  HE ATE THE CHICKEN TO THE BONE THE BEANS DISSAPEARED
         HALF THE DESSERT END UP IN HIS RAGED BEARD
         I SAID TAKE A SHOWER IF YOU WANT JUST DON’T WET THE FLOOR
         SWEAR IT LOOKED LIKE HE WALKED RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR

         
CHORUS:  WALKING BACK TO THE TRUCK I ASKED WHERE HE WAS FROM
                         HE QUIETLY SAID SOMETHING SOUNDED LIKE KINGDOM COME
                      I’D NEVER HEARD OF IT AND RATHER THAN PRETEND
                      I NODDED AND SMILED AND DROVE OFF WITH MY NEW FRIEND

    
    V-4  HE DIDN’T LOOK SO BAD NOW THAT HE WAS CLEANED UP
            WHERE CAN I DROP YOU OFF I ASKED HIM IN THE TRUCK
            OH IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER WHERE I’M GOING TO
            WHEREVER I GO THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO DO           

                
    V-5  HE GOT OFF NEAR THE POST OFFICE SMILED AND SAID GOODBYE
             I  MISSED HIM RIGHT AWAY I JUST DIDN’T KNOW WHY
            WHEN I GOT BACK HOME I CLEANED UP AND FOUND A NOTE
             AND A TICKET WITH MY NAME AND A DATE THAT HE WROTE

CHORUS:  WALKING BACK TO THE TRUCK I ASKED WHERE HE WAS FROM
                         HE QUIETLY SAID SOMETHING SOUNDED LIKE KINGDOM COME
                      I’D NEVER HEARD OF IT AND RATHER THAN PRETEND
                      I NODDED AND SMILED AND DROVE OFF WITH MY NEW FRIEND


  OUTRO: I PUT THE TICKET ON MY SHELF WITH THE NOTE FROM MY FRIEND    
                   HE WROTE YOU WILL BE REWARDED WHEN WE MEET AGAIN

Judges Comment
This is a story song that does a very good job of creating interest from the beginning by talking about "cards he (a stranger) wasn't showing".  The song creates a very good emotional impact and appeal by building on its story about a mysterious  stranger who appears homeless.  The phrasing is good and the form is excellent with almost near perfect rhymes though out the song.  The hook/song title appears on the second line of the chorus, which is a little weak, but it could be strengthened by moving the chorus to follow the second verse and then repeating the chorus after each of the other verses.

 

Second Place - Sticks and Stones by Harri Wolf and Michael RJ Roth, Novato, CA

V1
There’s a shrine on the side of the road
The place where someone departed
Painfully loved as the story is told
By one she had left brokenhearted

V2
There’s another a few miles down
His cross is decked out in flowers
Propped up by fragments of coyote bones
Sticks and stones the years will devour

(Ch)
Sticks and stones and fragments of bone
Scattered by wind, withered by time
But those flowers that show up fresh every day
Promise that love is alive.

V3
A poppy displays where another had gone
Sheltered by a cold northern sky
There’s a column of trees reaching up to the sun
Handrails to the great by and by.

(Ch)
Sticks and stones and fragments of bone
Scattered by wind, withered by time
But those flowers that show up fresh every day
Promise that love is alive.

Judges Comment
This song has good emotional impact in the way it deals with commemorative crosses along highways.  The hook/title is set up in the last line of the second verse and then in the first line of the following chorus which is a good technique, but a more emotional hook/title might be to use the last line of the chorus "Promise That Love is Alive".  Overall, the song has good appeal, focus and phrasing and a very good rhyme scheme.

Third Place - Sunset by Jim Aitken, Kilmarnock, Scotland
 
V1
Got tired, of living lonely, and rocking, by the cabin door
Took many years, to find that seam, but knew I yearned for more
So I rode into the Sunset, to the life I’d always planned
And built a Hacienda on a real nice piece of land

Out of the light of the Sunset, I saw her standing there
As Sunset lit the valley, great music filled the air

V2
Marita gestured took my hand and led me to the floor
We danced & danced till Sunset: A Love like none before
We were married springtime in the little church, on the hill
Within a year, had cause to cheer as Catalina blessed our world…blessed our world

Br
Three happy years we lived for the day
Attended the little church, and pray
We walked the valleys, as Catalina grew
Among the wonders of Nature, from early morning dew….Morning dew

Three years we shared our Sunset, and revelled in the view
And watched our beautiful Sunset, disappear from view
 
V3
An epidemic swept the town, Marita fell real ill
For three long days that fever raged: she lay there, sore and still
Then, “Take me out to the porch now”, Marita softly said
So I carried her wrapped in a blanket, and gently raised her head….Raised her head

Closed her eyes, as her glorious Sun Set, for the very, last time
Shed a tear as Marita’s Sun Set, for the very, very, last time

(Short, Sad Instrumental)

V4
Now, I’m more lonely, than rocking by the cabin door
Lost the Love, I briefly had: Ne’er felt, such pain before
But Marita lives within us, for true love never dies
And her stone looks O’er the valley, towards the evening sky…Evening sky
 
Where the three of us, share the Sunset; Catalina on my knee
And Forever, share her Sunset: The way it was meant, to be.

And Forever, share her Sunset: The way, it was meant, to be.

Judges Comment
This song has good emotional impact in relating a story about love found and then lost through sickness.  It has good originality, appeal, focus and and phrasing.  While the form contains a good rhyming scheme but it it lacks a definitive chorus that contains the hook/title.  However, there are some good lines about the Sunset that could be developed into a good chorus

Dallas Songwriters 2022 FALL Lyric Contest Winners

 Thanks to our Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp

Fall 2022 Lyric Contest Winners

1st place:  Nothing Can Bring Me Down by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

2nd place: Someday Soon by Bill Martin, Dallas, Tx

3rd place: Taste Of Love So Sweet by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

First “NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN”  by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

V-1 MORNING NEWS TELLS THE STORY ANOTHER TROUBLED DAY 

THE PATH FILLED WITH ROADBLOCKS BUT I’LL FIND MY WAY 

TEMPTATION TRIES PULLING ME INTO THAT ENDLESS HOLE but meets that wall, 

When MY MIND GETS FLAKY LEGS GET SHAKY BUT I WILL NOT FALL Your third and fourth line don’t rhyme as is. 

CHORUS: NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN I WON’T GO THERE 

EVEN THIS BROKEN TOWN IS BETTER THAN NOWHERE 

I’VE FALLEN BEFORE AND KEEP ON GETTING UP 

THE FIRST STEP IS THE STEEPEST I CLIMB THEM ONE BY ONE 

SURRENDER MAY BE CALLING BUT I DON’T HEAR A SOUND 

I JUST KEEP ON SMILING NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN  

A 6-line chorus is quite long. Your first two lines could be a pre-chorus,

 but if it were my lyric, I might pick the best out of the 6 lines to make it a 4-line chorus.

Perhaps:  “ Nothing can bring me down. I keep on getting up” instead of the first three lines as you wrote them.

Then keep the last three lines the same.  It still has the hook and title but is a bit catchier and more to the point.”

Try to spend more time on what you’re trying to say and less about just making sure it rhymes.  You’ll be surprised at what can happen as you continue to work on it.  Sometimes the message you’re attempting to send becomes clearer.

V-2 PROGRESS DOESN’T COME EASY THE STRUGGLE’S NEVER FUN 

BUT THAT’S THE ONLY WAY THEY SAY TO GET THINGS DONE 

AND IF I MEET FAILURE I’LL TRY OVER AND OVER AGAIN 

THE ROAD TO SUCCESS IS LONG AND BUMPY TO THE END 

V-3 EVERY TIME I START CLIMBING UP A STEEPER HILL IS FOUND 

I KNOW I MUST GO OVER IT THERE’S NO EASY WAY AROUND 

BUT SOONER OR LATTER THE WAITING SUN WILL SHINE 

IF I KEEP WORKING HARD THE REWARD WILL BE MINE 

CHORUS: 

BRIDGE: OH-GRAVITY OH-GRAVITY RELEASE ME TONIGHT 

LET ME TRY TO FLY AND I JUST MIGHT 

I WANT TO BATHE IN FREEDOM REACHING UP SO HIGH 

HEADING TOWARD HEAVEN AS I SWIM INTO THE SKY 

CHORUS

Judge’s additional re-write notes to consider including internal rhymes and a more rhythmic feel.

Nothing Can Bring Me Down:

I may keep falling, but I’ll get back up.  Nothing can keep me down.

I’ll keep on smiling. I don’t give up when life tries to make me frown.

The steps are steep, but I’ll just keep … climbing them one by one,

‘Cause nothing, oh, nothing, oh, nothing can keep, nothing can keep me down.

Second: “Someday Soon” by Bill Martin, Dallas, Tx

VERSE 1 Someday soon but I don't know when 

we'll be no longer where we've been 

I can't say when and I can't say how 

you better be ready I'm tellin' you now! 

VERSE 2 Here's my warning short and sweet 

The One who saves you're going to meet 

I can't say when and I can't say how 

but you better be ready I'm tellin' you now! 

CHORUS Seven whole years in the tribulation 

the covenant broken in the nation 

Halfway through it'll terribly dawn, 

And they may see The Holy Spirit's gone! 

VERSE 3 Believers alive will be taken up 

and those who remain will drink the cup 

I can't say when and I can't say how 

You better be ready.  I’m tellin you now!

I appreciated your entry and your subject matter.  

As the lyric judge, I would like to share some constructive criticism.  I feel like your verse lines could

use some tweaking regarding the number of syllables in each line.  This would help smooth out word flow.

Please read your lyrics aloud multiple times and see where you have a bit of trouble or stumble as your read.

Count your syllables and see where you can eliminate words altogether or simply choose different words to 

correct the cadence and make the lines in the verses feel  more cohesive.  While I understand the clear meaning 

of the third line of the chorus, it seems an odd way to say it in my opinion.  I’d suggest playing around with that

 line some to see if you can come up with something different.  The lyric seems to have a bouncy, gospel vibe 

which I like as I read it.

But, by the way, who is “they” in the chorus? Are you not part of the nation of which you speak? Even if you are different, some of the verbiage comes across as pointing fingers.  In the second line, you did include yourself when you said, “we’ll be no longer where we’ve been, so that seemed less preachy”.  Perhaps you could even say, “We better be ready, and it better be now!”in the fourth line.  I like the message.  I like the passion.  I like a lot about the lyric, but it might draw the listener in more if you include yourself in the struggle a bit more.  Just a thought.

Third: “TASTE OF LOVE SO SWEET”  by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

 V-1 LOVE IS NOT AN EASY THING 

IT’S DIFFICULT TO FIND 

NOT EVERYONE WILL TOUCH IT 

FEWER CAN HANG ON 

LOVE IS ALWAYS FLEETING 

IN A MOMENT CAN BE GONE 

YOU CAN’T HOLD IN YOUR HAND consider eliminating the “you”

WHAT’S ONLY IN YOUR MIND 

V-2 AN INTOXICATING RUSH 

SWEETER THAN FINE WINE 

TO TAKE AWAY YOUR PAIN 

AND FILL YOUR WORLD WITH FUN. 

TURN YOUR TEARS TO GOLD 

STOP THE RAIN WITH SUN 

ONCE YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT 

YOU’LL WANT IT ALL THE TIME   I really like this part of this verse.

CH: IT STARTS OUT WITH A KISS 

THE TASTE OF LOVE SO SWEET 

THE FEELING IS INCREDIBLE “Incredible” may have too many syllable incerted here. 

                                                    Consider “mighty” or “great” or “awesome” to shorten and make it easier to speak.

AS IT SWEEPS YOU OFF YOUR FEET 

LIVES HAVE LITTLE MEANING 

TIL LOVE MAKES THEM COMPLETE 

ANYTHING ON EARTH IS WORTH 

THE TASTE OF LOVE SO SWEET 

I like the catchy feel of the lyric.  You might consider the first line of the chorus to be:

First comes the kiss.  It starts out just doesn’t sound pretty.  If you accepted that as a change to the 

First line, I would consider leaving off “the” and “as it” at the beginning of the next three lines.  It lightens 

The chorus a bit.  In fact, you might think about condensing the last four lines to something like:

“Love gives meaning… makes life complete/More than anything…the taste of love so sweet.”

This shortens the chorus and is pretty catchy.  Then at the end of the song, you could double the chorus.

Chorus

BRIDGE: LIKE A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD, LOVE CAN CUT YOU LIKE A KNIFE 

THIS PASSION FUELED EMOTION CAN PUSH YOU WAY TOO FAR 

OPEN UP YOUR HEART AND TAKE SLICES OF YOUR LIFE 

DIG DEEP INTO YOUR SOUL MAKE YOU WEAR IT LIKE A SCAR 

V-3 A TINY FLOWER’S SEED BLOOMS ALONG THE WAY 

TRY AS YOU MAY YOU CANNOT KISS YOURSELF 

LOVE IS A WORK IN PROGRESS AS IT GROWS EVERY DAY 

ROMANCE MUST BE SHARED WE ALL NEED SOMEONE ELSE 

Chorus

Another offering for your “Taste of Love So Sweet” lyric:

It starts with a kiss… a kiss so sweet

That tastes delicious and weeps you off your feet.

Life has less meaning ‘til the love’s complete,

And it starts with a kiss…a kiss so sweet.

Barbe:  I just decided to take one lyric that didn’t place and give some suggestions for it.

The judge’s thoughts on your lyric which did not place in the quarterly contest,

But seems like a good example for me to make some points for anyone reading these entries.

For the lyric called “Summer Job”:

I’m going to provide an example of what might make your lyric more powerful 

with a stronger hook and a much more relevant and catchy title. 

Chorus:   I’m a flower seller; ain’t life grand?

    I’ll land me a man. Then won’t life grand?  

       Sexy-girl power, trading youth and flowers.  

Yeah, ain’t life grand?

This is the same basic story you wrote, but read them both aloud to hear the difference in the cadence.  Your song title is not in the chorus which it really should be, and your chorus doesn’t currently have a hook.  The example I’ve provided could use the new hook for the title: “Ain’t life grand?” Your verses need work, as well, so I suggest you spend some time considering how to improve the way in which you tell your story.  Think about it as if you were the listener, trying to understand what the writer is trying to tell you.  Give more attention to your structure and spend time editting your line lengths and rhyme patterns.  I was drawn to your over-all idea, but the lyric, as is, is in its infancy.  My motto is to write, re-write, and re-write some more until the lyric is one you might hear on Apple Music done by an recording artist you admire.  As a fellow lyricist, I hope you’ll do the work and resubmit your piece.  I appreciate you for your entry, and good luck on any future projects.