WINNER OF THE FALL LYRIC CONTEST 2021

Winners of the 2021 Fall Lyric Contest

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for comments

1. One Eyed Ghost  by Ynana Rose & Roman Mastandrea, San Luis Obispo, CA

2. Remember Me As A Sunny Day by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

3. Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

HM Lavendar and Love by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

First Place

ONE EYED GHOST  by Ynana Rose & Roman Mastandrea, San Luis Obispo, CA

The moon is a one-eyed ghost peeking through the clouds
On a lonesome highway, westward bound
The sky fades to black as the doubt seeps in
Will you love me now like you loved me then?

CHORUS:

Was I gone too long?
Did you cry in the cold grey dawn?
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
Is it too late to say I was wrong?

The fog is a whisper of the rain
The miles take me back to where I was again
When you begged me to stay & I promised to return
Can love’s fire last with no fuel to burn?

CHORUS:

Was I gone too long?
Did you cry in the cold grey dawn?
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
Is it too late to say I was wrong?

BRIDGE:
I feel the shame of regret
And the weight of the words I should have said

Our little blue house just the same as before
The naked porch light, the old screen door
In the kitchen window, you shining like a star
Holding a new love in your arms

CHORUS:

I was gone too long
While you cried in the cold grey dawn
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
It’s too late to say I was wrong

Wish I’d never gone away
It’s too late to say I was wrong
The moon is a one-eyed ghost peeking through the clouds

Judge’s Comments:  I have only one issue with your lyric: your title isn’t your hook line.  

The hook is “Was I Gone Too Long”? which might be an appropriate title.  

You might even repeat the line “Was I gone too long?” as a last line on the chorus.  

Good job.  Thank you for your submission.  I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Second Place

REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

         V-1  RAIN DROPS STING LIKE FROZEN BULLETS WIND TARGETS MY FACE 

                 BUT I FEEL ONLY MY BROKEN HEART YOU LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE

                 OF COURSE IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T STAY

                 YOU’RE WITH YOUR NEW LOVER NOW MY TIME TO FADE AWAY

             V-2  AT LEAST I TASTED LOVE AND SURE I WANTED MORE 

                     BUT I’LL KEEP THAT FEELING I’VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD BEFORE

                     AND IF YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN YOU WOULD BE WITH ME

                     I’D LIKE TO SAY I’M HAPPY THOUGH MY HEART WOULD DISAGREE

       CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                 YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST

                AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                 I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

        V-3  AND AS I TAKE TO LOOKING BACK SOMETHING I TRY NOT TO DO

                 ALL MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS BRING ME BACK TO YOU

                 TIME CHANGES LOTS OF THINGS BUT SOME STAY STANDING STILL

                 AND LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU I SUPOSE THEY ALWAYS WILL

  BRIDGE:  I’LL GO ON AND SPEND MY TIME WITH THOUGHTS FOREVER MINE

                    AND CARRY ON MY BACK THINGS I CANNOT LEAVE BEHIND 

       CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                 YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST

                AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                 I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

          Judges Note:

          V-1  RAIN DROPS STING LIKE FROZEN BULLETS WIND TARGETS MY FACE. 

          This line seems strained and doesn’t add to an otherwise pretty good lyric.  Perhaps try something like:

                ” I can still feel your warmth where you last kissed my face.”

                 BUT now I have a BROKEN HEART ‘cause YOU LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE

                 OF COURSE IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T STAY

                 Now you’re with a new lover, It’s MY TIME TO FADE AWAY

             V-2  AT LEAST I TASTED your LOVE AND SURE I WANTED MORE 

                     BUT I’LL KEEP THAT FEELING always I’VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD BEFORE

                     AND IF YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN YOU’D’ve BEen WITH ME

                     I’D LIKE TO SAY I’M HAPPY THOUGH MY HEART WOULD DISAGREE

           CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                    YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST

                    AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                    I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

            V-3  AND AS When I TAKE TO LOOKING BACK which I TRY NOT TO DO

                    ALL MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS BRING ME right BACK TO YOU

                   TIME CHANGES LOTS OF THINGS BUT SOME STAY leaves others STANDING STILL

                   AND LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU I SUPOSE THEY  ALWAYS WILL

  BRIDGE:  I’LL GO ON AND SPENDing MY TIME WITH THOUGHTS FOREVER MINE

                    AND CARRY ON MY BACK THINGS I CANNOT LEAVE BEHIND 

Bridge:  “Every thought of you is forever mine.

There’s just too much I can’t leave behind!”  

(This would change the cadence for the bridge and has more punch.)

          CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                   YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT too FAST

                   AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                   I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

         I think it would be effective is you said, “your sunny day” or “one sunny day”, but that’s not a big thing.  

Third Place

             Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

It’s been so long since I wrote a country song
Now that you’re gone, I feel one coming on strong
Our love died so young and now I’m so old
I’m so afraid to come in from try something else like “this broken love has left me cold”

Chorus: Nothing aches as hard 
As a broken country heart 
Nothing aches as hard       Nothing aches as bad      OR  Nothing’s quite as sad
As a broken country heart  As a song that makes you sad               As a love gone bad.

Nothing aches as hard 
As a broken country heart  

We were together.  Now we’re apart.  Nothing aches as hard as a broken country heart.

Chug-a-lugging hope from a brown paper bag
Trying to figure out, should I zig, or should I zag
My sunken eyes sparkle when Pigeons coo to me  

                            ‘sunken eyes’ doesn’t add to the story. Maybe ‘sad eyes’.

I shower them with peanuts, they seem hear my plea

Chorus

But long ago
When you wore your sundress
We went with the flow
Your hair fell in a beautiful mess 

Honorable Mention

        Lavendar and Lace by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

I can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out so many years ago

I still remember your lavender and love

Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

 

I love the foreplay of gentle twilight

As it hurtles into pitch-black cravings of the night

Ya can’t enjoy today if you live for tomorrow

Don’t let voices in your head stalk you with your own shadow

 

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

Saddle up your sorrow, ride into the light

Let me spin your world, summon the sun for you

Life is just my day job, not my heart’s desire

I could spend my lifetime chasing after your sweet dreams

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

I can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out so many years ago  

I still remember your lavender and love  

Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

I suggest you work on your end of line rhymes in your second and third verses.  And you changed rhyme patterns in the different verses.

 I really enjoyed your chorus.  

It is helpful when pitching your lyric, that you label the parts of your lyric as verse, chorus, and bridge.

WINNERS OF THE SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST

2021 SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST SEMIFINALISTS                   
“HOUSE  UP  ON  THE  HILL“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
“ A  KISS  THAT  NEVER  ENDS “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
“ SILENT  POET“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
“MISS PEGGY LEE SINGS THE BLUES” by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA

2021 SUMMER LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS                  
1. “HOUSE  UP  ON  THE  HILL“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
2. “ A  KISS  THAT  NEVER  ENDS “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
3. “ SILENT  POET “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
HM. “MISS PEGGY LEE SINGS THE BLUES” by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA
 

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for Comments.

First Place: “HOUSE  UP  ON  THE  HILL“ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

  

CHORUS:
 THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL
 A MANSION ON THE MOUNTAIN


WITH A PICTURE PERFECT LAWN         
 AND A GIGANTIC great big MARBLE FOUNTAIN


THE WATER TASTES LIKE HONEY     
GLISTENS JUST LIKE GOLD


AND ANYONE WHO DRINKS FROM IT
NEVER WILL GROW OLD 

  

V-1  
IT’S A BIG OLD WOODEN HOUSE     
PERCHED high UP ON THE HILL


HAS It’s BEEN standing THERE FOREVER     
AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL
 

IT’S BEEN PAINTED EVERY COLOR     
TODAY IT’S BLACK AND WHITE


ALL THE SPIRITS KNOW OF about  IT     
AND STOP BY LATE AT NIGHT
    
    Chorus

  

V-2  
 IT’S SO HIGH up IN THE AIR         
THERE’S CLOUDS hang out with it AROUND ALL DAY


Takes A MILE LONG UPHILL HIKE     
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY


THERE’S NO DOORS TO KEEP YOU OUT    
So COME in AS YOU PLEASE


Just KISS THE MAGIC STATUE        
and PAY HOMAGE ON YOUR KNEES

 

V-3  Bridge: 

THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL     
     WHERE EVERYBODY GOES
     

WE’RE ALL LOOKING FOR SOMETHING     
    THAT NO ONE REALLY KNOWS
           THERE’S STRANGE THINGS GOING ON    
           Though nobody is home.
              

THERE’S NO LIGHTS OR ELECTRIC    
                 NO TV OR A  PHONE
            

JUST A CLOSET FULL OF GHOSTS    
             SO YOU NEVER FEEL ALONE


  

CHORUS x 2:  
THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL
 A MANSION ON THE MOUNTAIN


WITH A PICTURE PERFECT LAWN         
 AND A GIGANTIC great big MARBLE FOUNTAIN


THE WATER TASTES LIKE HONEY     
GLISTENS JUST LIKE GOLD


AND ANYONE WHO DRINKS FROM IT
NEVER WILL GROW OLD

V-4  

THERE’S A HOUSE UP ON THE HILL         
HIGH ABOVE THE RAIN
WHERE THERE’S STRANGE THINGS GOING ON     
NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN
 THE BEDROOMS HAVE NO BEDS             
THERE’S NO PLACE TO SIT DOWN. 
THE CANDLES SHOW THE FACES             
OF THE SPIRITS TO BE FOUND



Outro suggestion:        Candles flicker showing faces of the spirits to be found, and those who enter may approach them and never make it out.


Kudos for originality.  I’ve taken liberty to make suggestions in red that I believe will help make your lyric stronger.  Starting with a chorus is great way to set the direction of your story.  Using the one suggestion I’ve offered for the chorus, it’s strong and rhythmic.
I think you should repeat it after both the first and second verse.  However, you might consider using your best line from your third verse to create a short bridge and discard what’s left of the fourth verse as it doesn’t really add to your story and feels unnecessary.
If you feel the song needs another verse, write a better verse that’s visual and maybe a little creepy.  The line about the candles showing faces of the spirits might be a good way to end the song on a spooky note or create that other verse. I’ve made a suggestion for such a line. These suggestions are yours to use or not, but I do believe the lyric could use some tweaking and then go record it. Thanks for your fun entry.  I hope you’ll keep writing and entering the lyric contest.  I enjoyed this one.  
Congratulations on winning FIRST out of 60 submissions in this quarterly DSA lyric contest 2021.





2nd Place:   “  A  KISS  THAT  NEVER  ENDS   “ 1 by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

 

V-1
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU         
I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN                                     


I’LL ALWAYS BE YOUR LOVER         
FOREVER YOUR BEST FRIEND
 

I MISS YOU WHEN I’M WORKING        
DAYS WITHOUT YOU ARE TOO LONG


EVERY MINUTE WITH YOU’S HEAVEN,     
and IT’S HELL WHEN YOU ARE GONE                    
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
 V-2  
WHEN  I take you YOU’RE IN MY ARMS      
HOLDING YOU SO TIGHT
I FEEL so WARM INSIDE         
and EVERYTHING IS RIGHT


TRUE LOVE CAN’T PRETENDed.         
WHAT WE HAVE IS REAL


NO WORDS I’ve EVER SPOKE 

CAN EXPLAIN THE WAY I FEEL  

   

CHORUS:
A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS     
A LOVER FOR ALL TIME                             
 

I HAVE ALL I NEED         
AS LONG AS YOU ARE MINE
 

LIFE IS FULL OF MYSTERY     
SOME CAN’T BE EXPLAINED                 


LIKE THE MAGIC WE still FIND     
IN A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS



V-3  
A LITTLE WINK ON A BUSY DAY, a little hug,
SHOWING THAT WE CARE. 


And NEVER LOSING TOUCH         
OF THE LOVING that WE SHARE   


HUNGRY LIPS COLLIDE          
SPARKING FIRE IN MY VEINS       


YOU STILL DRIVE ME CRAZY         
WITH A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS                      

  

 CHORUS:  

A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS     
A LOVER FOR ALL TIME                             
 

I HAVE ALL I NEED         
AS LONG AS YOU ARE MINE
 

LIFE IS FULL OF MYSTERY     
SOME CAN’T BE EXPLAINED                 


LIKE THE MAGIC WE still FIND     
IN A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS

BRIDGE:  
TEMPTATION REARS IT’S UGLY HEAD     

CAN VISIT ANY TIME
 

TRYING TO SPOIL RELATIONSHIPS what we have  

AS  IT POISONS it’s poisoning THE MIND


BEING HUMAN ISN’T EASY     

TO BE GOOD’S A CONSTANT FIGHT


SOMETIMES DOING what is WRONG     

IS EASIER THAN DOING RIGHT

   

CHORUS:  

A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS     
A LOVER FOR ALL TIME                             
 

I HAVE ALL I NEED         
AS LONG AS YOU ARE MINE
 

LIFE IS FULL OF MYSTERY     
SOME CAN’T BE EXPLAINED                 


LIKE THE MAGIC WE still FIND     
IN A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS

The suggestions in red are to correct the flow of various lines.  As you work your lyrics, I suggest you read them aloud multiple times to see if a line loses a smooth rhythm as you read or if any lines sound like you’re trying to crowd too many words into it.  Listen to see if each line sounds natural and conversational, as if you’re talking with another person, rather than coming off too  poetic.  I suggest you make a few of these changes to make your lyric its best.  Your song structure and rhyme scheme are good.   Thank you for your submission, and congratulations on placing 2nd out of 60 submissions.       
 

3nd place: “SILENT  POET “ by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

      


PEN DANCED ACROSS WAITING new PAPER     
WORDS FLOWED SMOOTHLY AS FINE  flowing smooth like WINE


LIKE A SCRIPTURE CARVED IN SOLID STONE     
UNTIL THE END OF TIME 


EVERY DETAIL MAGNIFIED                
SO CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT


AS IF HE FOUND A SECRET THE WORLD                         
we couldn’t COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT




HE SPENT ALL HIS TIME WRITING ALONE         
HARDLY HAD A FRIEND


TALKED ONLY TO HIMSELF                 
IN WEIGHTED WORDS HE COULD DEPEND flowed through his pen.


THE DAYS WERE ALL THE SAME             
HE RARELY SAW THE SUN


WHEN A  One POEM WAS barely FINISHED         
when ANOTHER JUST had BEGUN

  
  
YEARS FLEW BY TOO QUICKLY         
HIS WORK STACKED ON A SHELF


A LIFETIME WORTH OF WORDS             
NEVER READ only BY ANYONE ELSE himself


HE PONDERED FOR A MOMENT             
LAYED DOWN HIS TRUSTY PEN


He WOULDN’T NEED IT ANYMORE             
HE’D NEVER WRITE AGAIN  
FATE GREETED HIM WITH DIGNITY             
A WARMING IN HIS CHEST


A SMILE that FOUND HIS WRINKLED FACE         
said HE HAD GIVEN LIFE HIS BEST, “Gave this life my best.”


HE CLUTCHED HIS NOTEBOOK TIGHTLY         
FEELING ITS LAST WORD It held his life in words.


And LIKE SO too MANY OTHERS             
Was NEVER TO BE HEARD

These are 4 very nice verses, but your title is never mentioned in the lyric.  Also, the song structure is weak.  It is very helpful to label your parts of the lyric.  As it stands, I see no clear cut chorus or bridge.  I suggest you use your title and write a two or three line chorus to give the song life and make it more memorable. The story is solid and tell us enough of the story, so your chorus could be a simple repetition of the title with a little embellishment or an interesting rhythm pattern. Doing this could develop your story line further without getting too wordy. Your third stanza might make a good bridge instead of keeping it as a verse. This is a nice story and is only in need of a structure and a few corrections. The notes and additions in red are to suggest help, such as where a line needs to flow more smoothly.  I hope you’ll work this further and resubmit it with some changes.  Thank you for your entry, and congratulations on placing 3rd out of 60 submissions.


Honorable Mention  Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Bob Davoli, Lincoln, MA

Critique by Barbara McMillen - I chose this song because it has an interesting title and good chorus. First of all when submitting lyrics always define your song sections. You might have meant for the verse 3 to be a bridge but we don’t know if you don’t tell us. An interesting title belongs in a power position (first line or last line or special effect) in the chorus. A good rhyme pattern was set up and followed through. Try to keep your lyric meter the same in each verse because the verse should have the same melody each time.
 

Verse 1

  /                    /           /            /    
Thinking of you and I am so blue                                  A 4
Wondering what the heck I’m gonna do                       A
I woke up this morning                                                  B
 and without any warning                                               B
You packed all your bags and then you were gone          x
 

Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle      A
My mind’s going full throttle,                                     A
and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry        B
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh                                      B
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry                                       B
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues                           X
 

Verse 2     /                                /                        /                                /
Well the days they turned to weeks and the weeks they turned to years    A 4
    (this edited line matches the meter of the 1st line in the 1st verse)
But I was not able to dry all my tears                                                         A
Then out of the blue                                                                                    B
 there came a note from you                                                                       B
Sayin’ you had settled down with somebody new                                     B
 

Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle,
and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues
 

Verse 3
Well I with screwed up my courage and I bundled my heart  A
And I set off to find me a brand new start                                A
I traveled the highways                                                            B
 with my mind going sideways                                                 B
And I covered many miles but I went nowhere                       X
 

Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues
 

Chorus
I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle
My mind’s going full throttle,
and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry
Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh
Yes, and I’m too blue to cry
As Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues
 

Outro
Well I was goin’ nowhere pretty damn fast
So I gathered my things and went back to my home
I poured me a stiff one and I lay on my back
And I listened to as Miss Peggy Lee sings the blues
And I listened to as Miss Peggy Lee sings the blues

Winners of the Spring 2021 Lyric Contest

Thanks to DSA Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for judging these entries and for the excellent comments.

SEMIFINALISTS

Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

Good Old Days by Layne Bruno, Mansfield, Tx

Lavender and Love by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

Daddy Had Another Bad Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

WINNERS

First Place Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

                                   with judge’s comments

V1: Thinking of you and I am so blue 

Wondering what the heck I’m gonna do 

Woke up this morning, without any warning 

You’d packed all your bags and were gone

Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles 

         My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle, 

         All of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

         And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.

V2: Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to years 

But I was not able to dry all my tears 

Then out of the blue, a note came from you 

Said you’d settled down with somebody new

Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles 

         My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle, 

         All of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

         And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.

V3: Well, I screwed up my courage and bundled my heart 

And set off to find me a much better start 

Traveled the highways, my mind going sideways 

Too many miles and going nowhere

Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles 

         My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle, 

         All of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

         And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.

Bridge: I was goin’ to nowhere pretty damn fast 

So I gathered my things, went home to my past 

Poured me a stiff one and put on some tunes 

And listened to Peggy Lee sing me the blues

Chorus: My head in my hands, there’s two empty bottles 

         My mind’s going crazy…yeah, going full throttle, 

         All of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

         And I’m just too blue. I’m too blue to cry.

Tag:    Miss Peggy Lee, I’m just too blue to cry.

 

I’ve made my suggestions in RED, and you may notice that I’ve taken the liberty of removing some “I’s”, “and’s”, and a few other words that weren’t needed for the story line and weighed the lyric down.  I’m not sure about your title.  Though I originally thought it catchy, you didn’t introduce those words until the very end of the lyric.  I suggest you use those words prominently in the bridge or chorus if you feel committed to that title, but as the lyric stands with my suggestions, the title should probably be:“I Am Too Blue to Cry”.

Miss Peggy Lee Sings the Blues by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

original submission

Thinking of you and I am so blue 

Wondering what the heck I’m gonna do 

I woke up this morning and without any warning 

You packed all your bags and then you were gone

I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle 

My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh

Yes, and I’m too blue to cry

Well the days they turned to weeks and the weeks they turned to years 

But I was not able to dry all my tears 

Then out of the blue there came a note from you 

Sayin’ you had settled down with somebody new

I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle 

My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh

Yes, and I’m too blue to cry

Well I screwed up my courage and I bundled my heart 

And I set off to find me a brand new start 

I traveled the highways with my mind going sideways 

And I covered many miles but I went nowhere

I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle 

My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh

Yes, and I’m too blue to cry

I got my head in my hands, an empty wine bottle 

My mind’s going full throttle, and all of my dreams have been hung out to dry 

Yes, and I’m too blue to sigh

Yes, and I’m too blue to cry

Well I was goin’ nowhere pretty damn fast 

So I gathered my things and went back to my home 

I poured me a stiff one and I lay on my back 

And I listened to Miss Peggy Lee sing the blues 

And I listened to Miss Peggy Lee sing the blues.

Second Place    Good Old Days by Layne Bruno, Mansfield, Tx 

                                         with judges’ comments

V1: Here’s to sneaking out early and coming home late

And to all the things that just couldn’t wait

Here’s to Friday nights under the stadium lights

We lost state but gave it one hell of a fight

V2: Here’s to young love bringing two hearts together 

Yeah, we believed it would last forever 

To Springsteen songs we sang with a lighter

A little too drunk but we still lit that fire

Chorus: And this one’s for us

Every time we messed up

To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made

To the highs and lows we’ll never forget

When the good old days weren’t over yet

V3: To first bills we paid and the full U-Haul trucks

We were young and too dumb to know quite enough 

To all the drinks we’ve spilt on our couches

In first apartments and then our dream houses

V4: Here’s to first jobs and bosses we couldn’t stand

But paychecks felt good in our hot little hands

To the pizza and ramen that got us all through

And to every breakdown, this one’s for you

Chorus: And this one’s for us 

Every time we messed up

To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made

To the highs and lows we’ll never forget

When the good old days weren’t over yet

Bridge: Raise a glass to the past ‘cause it was a gas

To everything we’ve lived through

Raise a glass to the past, best we ever had

Say “cheers” to me and you

Chorus: And this one’s for us

Every time we messed up

To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made

To the highs and lows we’ll never forget

When the good old days weren’t over yet

Chorus: Yeah, this one’s for us

Every time we messed up

To loves we lost and friends that we’ve made

To the highs and lows we’ll never forget

When the good old days weren’t over yet

I’ve suggested changes in red to correct line length, flow, and meter…and sometimes, to help with clarity or further the story. You suggest you cut the chorus down to 5 lines instead of 7.  This revised chorus I’ve suggested makes your point quite well, and this shorter chorus might move the song along better. If you read the lyric aloud over and over, you may begin to see how the words flow off your tongue or you stumble over words. Keep reading aloud and tweaking words and thoughts until it flows well. It’s helpful to label the parts of the lyric: verse, chorus, and bridge. I’ve labeled the above as I believe you intended. I suggest taking one of the lines I removed from your original chorus to build a bridge. This could be a rowdy, sing-along, party song and needs the build up. You’re welcome to use my ideas or not…or tweak the lyric in your own manner. I hope you’ll keep working on this for re-submission. 

   Good Old Days by Layne Bruno, Mansfield, Tx. original submission

Here’s to sneaking out early and coming home late

And to all the things that just couldn’t wait

Here’s to Fridays under stadium lights

We lost state but hell of a fight

Here’s to young love that brought together 

Yeah, we believed it would last forever 

Here’s to the Springsteen songs we sang with a lighter

A little too drunk but we still lit that fire

And this one’s for us

Everytime we messed up

To the loves we lost and the friends we’ve made

To the highs and lows we’ll never forget

To the first bills we paid and the U-Haul trucks

Too young and dumb to know enough 

To all the drinks we’ve spilt on our couch

In our first apartments and our dream houses

Here’s to first jobs and bosses we couldn’t stand

But those paychecks felt good in our hands

To the pizza and ramen that got us through

And to every breakdown, this one’s for you

And this one’s for us. 

For every time we messed up

To the loves we lost and the friends we’ve made

And for every single goodbye wave

Raise a glass to the past and all that we had

To the highs and lows we’ll never forget

When the good old days weren’t over yet

Yeah, this one’s for us

For every time we messed up

To the loves we lost and the friends we’ve made

And for every single goodbye wave

Raise a glass to the past and all that we had. 

To the highs and lows we’ll never forget

When the good old days weren’t over yet 

 Third Place Lavender and Love by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

                    with Judge’s Comments

V1: Can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out long ago

I still remember your lavender and love

Before you left me for the dark side of your soul

Chorus: Found a river that flowing in three-four time

         Let’s dance there again living sublime

 

V2: Feel the foreplay of the gentle twilight

As it hurtles into pitch-black night

Can’t enjoy today living for tomorrow

With voices in your head that’ll stalk your shadow

 

Chorus: I found a river that flowing in three-four time

         Let’s dance there again living our sublime

Bridge: Saddle up your sorrow, ride into my light

        I’ll chase your dreams with you all my life.

        Let me spin your world, summon up the sun 

        Do everything little thing that you’d want done.

Chorus: I found a river that flowing in three-four time

         Let’s dance there again living our sublime

V3: Can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out long ago

I still remember your lavender and love

Before you left me for the dark side of your soul

Chorus: I found a river that flowing in three-four time.  

         Let’s dance on the river, living our sublime

Pretty good chorus with a little editing. I’ve suggested some changes in RED to correct the long lines that didn’t flow very well or to tweak the words for clarity.  Sometimes a lyric doesn’t need quite so many thoughts, so leave us wondering. It’s good to label the different parts of your lyric for the reader, because we can’t hear the music changes. I’m not sure you intended to have a bridge, but I’ve labeled a section as such, because it makes sense and builds on your idea of how much he loves her with the changes I’ve suggested. The second verse doesn’t make sense to me, and I feel it could use clarity to nail down the ideas in your story. I like that you repeated the first verse as the third verse to bring us back around. Thank you for your submission. Good work.

    Lavender and Love by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA  Original submission

I can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out so many years ago

I still remember your lavender and love

Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

 

I love the foreplay of gentle twilight

As it hurtles into pitch-black cravings of the night

Ya can’t enjoy today if you live for tomorrow

Don’t let voices in your head stalk you with your own shadow

 

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

Saddle up your sorrow, ride into the light

Let me spin your world, summon the sun for you

Life is just my day job, not my heart’s desire

I could spend my lifetime chasing after your sweet dreams

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

I can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out so many years ago  

I still remember your lavender and love  

Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul

I found a river that flows in three-four time.  

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

Fourth Place Daddy Had Another Bad Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

                     with judge’s comments

V1: It is a shame, children have to pay

When daddy’s had another bad day

All the rage, will it ever go away?

Or will daddy have another bad day?

Chorus: Sunsets and photographs fade away

But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days

 

V2: Such a vicious cycle to break

Daddy’s daddy had his own bad days

Fear runs so deep, children cannot sleep

When daddy has another bad day

Chorus: Sunshine and laughter fade away 

But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days

 

Bridge:  After the storm, daddy lost his head

Broken children laying frozen in their beds

Holding their breath in a pool of fright, 

Will they survive another storm tonight?

Chorus: Sunsets and photographs always fade away 

But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days

 

Outro: It is a shame, little children have to pay

When daddy has another bad day

When daddy has another bad day

Yeah, daddy had another bad day.  

Thank you for your submission.  The lyric is sad but offers a story from a different perspective.  

I’ve made suggestions in red to help with structure and flow and to build on the story. 

Feel free to use them if you wish, but I suggest you work on this further for resubmission.  

 Daddy Had Another Bad Day by Robert Davoli, Lincoln, MA

                      original submission 

It is a shame, children have to pay

When daddy had another bad day

All his rage takes center stage

Will daddy has another bad day?

Sunsets and old photographs always fade away

But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days

 

It is a vicious cycle to break cause

Daddy’s daddy had bad days too

Fear runs so deep, children cannot sleep

When daddy has another bad day

Sunsets and old photographs always fade away 

But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days

 

After the storm when daddy lost his head

Broken children lay froze in bed

Lying in a pool of fright, 

another storm tonight

Oh, daddy will have another bad day? 

Sunsets and old photographs always fade away 

But never ever bad, bad, bad daddy days

 

It is a shame, children have to pay

When daddy has another bad day

When daddy has another bad day

Yeah daddy has another bad day.