DSA 2024 SUMMER/SPRING LYRIC CONTEST WINNERS

 2024 Spring/Summer Lyric Contest Results:

Hi.  This is Alexis.  I’ve been judging the lyric contest for quite a few years now,
and this quarter, there were some very good entries which, which honestly,
made my job a bit harder.  Choosing the best of the entries came down to
focusing on the usual: clearly defined structure requirements such as rhyme
pattern, meter, hook, message, originality, and whether the lyric moved me.
I also like to see the lyric fulfill its message.  Here are my top 3 picks.



1st: “ SAID A FATHER TO HIS SON ” by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ
2nd: “The Bloody Years (a true story ...)” by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx
3rd: “Hold My Beer” by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA



1st: “  SAID  A  FATHER  TO  HIS  SON ” by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

           V-1  WHEN THAT BOY STEPPED ON THE BUS SOMETHING CAUGHT MY EYE
                   HE LOOKED JUST LIKE ME AND I GUESSED THE REASON WHY
                   FATE SAT US SIDE BY SIDE HIS NOSE SHAPED LIKE MINE
                   IT WAS LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR GOING BACK IN TIME

           V-2  I SLOWLY TURNED MY HEAD LOOKED AT HIS EYES
                   WONDERED TO MYSELF HAD HIS MOTHER FILLED HIM WITH LIES
                    I COULD BE THE FATHER HE NEVER GOT TO SEE
                    KNOWING THAT HIS MOTHER NEVER MENTIONED ME
 
CHORUS:  SHE WAS PREGNANT I WAS HAPPY TIL SHE FELL FOR SOMEONE NEW
                     OUR LIFE TOGETHER OVER THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO
                     SHE SAID SHE’D TELL HIM THE BABY WAS HIS, IF I’D JUST GO AWAY
                     IT BROKE MY HEART TO LEAVE IT WOULD BE TOO HARD TO STAY

             V-3  I CAME BACK TO TOWN YEARS LATER TO SEE WHAT I WOULD FIND
                     MAKE AMMENDS SEE OLD FRIENDS AND WHAT I LEFT BEHIND
                      I FOUND WHAT I CAME LOOKING FOR RIGHT THERE ON THE BUS
                      THE WHOLE WORLD DISSAPEARED IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF US

             V-4  WE RODE ALONG IN SILENCE, CHECKING EACH OTHER OUT
                     HE COULD SEE WHAT I DID THERE WAS NO LONGER DOUBT
                      I GOT OFF THE BUS TO HIDE MY TEARS SHAKEN AND SAD
                      FELT THE STARE UPON MY BACK HE KNEW I WAS HIS DAD

CHORUS:  SHE WAS PREGNANT I WAS HAPPY TIL SHE FELL FOR SOMEONE NEW
                     OUR LIFE TOGETHER OVER THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO
                     SHE SAID SHE’D TELL HIM THE BABY WAS HIS IF I’D JUST GO AWAY
                     IT BROKE MY HEART TO LEAVE IT WOULD BE TOO HARD TO STAY

  OUTRO:  MY QUESTIONS WERE ALL ANSWERED NOW HIS HAD JUST BEGUN
                    GOODBYE WITH OUT A WORD SAID A FATHER TO HIS SON

I found this lyric appealing, because it told a story I hadn’t heard before.  This slice of a man’s
life is direct but not over-sentimentalized.  The story also gave me a brief look at the secondary
character’s point of view which balanced the “it’s all about me” aspect of such a complex story.  
Though I found some of the main character’s verbiage a bit harsh, it’s his story, and it rings true.  
The only change I would suggest is in the second verse.  I would prefer “I wondered if his mother….”

It’s not necessary to the story, but if the Chorus rhyme pattern was A-B-A-B rather than AA-BB,
it wouldn’t change the message and might allow some variety in the rhyme scheme.  If the writer
should decide to make that change, the second line ‘she’ could be left off and could start with
the line: ‘Said she’d tell him’.  As it’s written, ‘she’ is mentioned four times in the chorus.  

Lastly, I enjoyed that this outro left us wondering how the son would process his awakening.  
I appreciated that this lyricist took the focus off the main character and left me wondering
about the son and how he might handle this revelation.  

2nd: “The Bloody Years (a true story ...)” by Wayne Gathright, Austin, Tx

The war was over, except for the losing, but hatred was flooding its banks
Bill Taylor had friended the rebels, Bill Sutton served with the Yanks

Sutton got a deputy badge by a crooked sheriff, he had an eye on settling the score
By eighteen hundred sixty five, most felt lucky to be alive, but Bill Sutton - he wanted more     

His right hand men were Dobie and Cotton, with means streaks and blazing fast guns
They'd string up a slave if he worked for a rebel or kill a grey coat for fun  
             
There'd been dustups before but the gas met the match at a Dewitt County house on the plain                    
When Taylor's two brother's in law were shot dead and horse dragged by Sutton's gang

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

For fourteen years the feud raged on with nearly 300 dead by gun or rope
Neither Taylors nor Suttons dared to be alone, neither family met eyes or spoke

The two patriarchs - met on a steamer at Indianola's port of call
With his wife beside him and his best friend, Bill Sutton was ready to draw

He heard a shout -  "You've killed your last Taylor", then saw a Smith and Wesson flame
He pushed his wife away, but on that day Sutton took one to the heart, one to the brain

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

Down in Dewitt County there still lays the graves of many from battle that ensued
The history is written on the crumbling tombstones  'bout the Taylor-Sutton feud

Most people heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud came  close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor/Sutton men, women, girls, and boys - the South Texas Bloody Years

War’s near over, ‘cept for losing, but hatred floods its banks
Bill Taylor friends the rebels, Bill Sutton serves the Yanks

A crooked sheriff, deputizing Bill, with eye to settle scores
Eighteen hundred sixty-five, Bill Sutton is alive but wanting more     

His right-hand men, Dobie … Cotton, real mean with blazing guns
They string up slaves working for rebels and kill grey coats just for fun  
             
Gas meets match in Dewitt County one day out on the plain                    
Taylor's brother's-in-laws shot dead, horse dragged by Sutton's gang

People heard of the Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys.  Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years

For fourteen years the feud’s raged on, near 300 dead
No Taylors or Suttons dare be alone, or so it’s said.

Two patriarchs meet on a steamer port of call
With his wife and friend beside him, Bill Sutton stands to draw

He hears a shout - "You've killed your final Taylor" as a Smith and Wesson flames
Pushes his wife away, Sutton takes one to the heart and to the brain

Most people heard of Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys – Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years

Down in Dewitt County lay the graves of battles that ensued
History’s written on the tombstones 'bout the legend of …. the Taylor-Sutton feud

Most people heard of Hatfields and McCoys, but no feud comes close to the suffering and tears
Of the Taylor-Sutton men and boys.  Hear the women cry …  South Texas Bloody Years

I enjoyed this historical lyric, but I do have a few suggestions for improvement
and have included my take on it by moving the story into present tense.  Also,
the meter and pacing struggle throughout the original version, I assume due to
the writer’s attempt to “squeeze in” every piece of information that he or she can.  
Sometimes, as writers, we just need to give up some pieces to have a more listenable
song.   In my suggested version, I’ve simplified the story for the listener.  I also feel
this gives the chorus a hook:  “Hear the women cry … South Texas Bloody Years” and
put the tears on the women who were likely the ones crying.  I think the children go
without saying.  This also slightly shortens the lyric which makes it more palatable.
The point is still made.  It was a bad feud.  I suggest this writer always read and
re-read the lyrics aloud until the words flow easily.  If they don’t keep working on
them until they do.  Good story.  Thank you for the submission.  


3rd: “Hold My Beer” by Dwayne Hummel, Gig Harbor, WA
    
(VERSE 1)
We were all over at Bobby’s for our regular weekend unwind.
He’d built an adult sized slip-n-slide on a very steep incline.
Someone dared ole Bubba to go on and give it a try.
He didn’t need much provoking, he’s a very unstable guy.
Yeah, Bubba didn’t look too steady, that much was clear.
Bobby said, “Bubba you’re up,” and Bubba said, “HERE. Hold my beer.”

(CHORUS)    
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
Something ‘bout a dare on beer disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
“Hold my beer,” usually LIKELY ends with a trip to IN the emergency room.

(VERSE 2)
Bubba took a running start and let out a yell.
It looked like he was having fun, far as we could tell.
Then ole Bubba went airborne when he hit the first dip. (HITTING THAT FIRST DIP)
He must ‘a been doing 50 when he started to flip.
Well Bubba HE was all contorted when he planted in the ground.
I knew from the looks of things, we were “E-R” bound.

(CHORUS)    
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
“Hold my beer,” usually ends with a trip to the emergency room.

(VERSE 3)
The ‘doc’ said, “Bubba’s fine,” but to us the jury’s still out.
It’s a miracle he survived, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
We went in to visit. HIM.   His thinking still wasn’t clear.
He just looked around the room and asked, “Who’s got my beer?”

(FINAL CHORUS)
“Hold my beer,” three little words that lead to lots of pain.
There’s something ‘bout beer and a dare that disengages the brain.
“Hold my beer and watch this, words of impending doom.”
Yeah, hold my beer and watch this! ...weekend can’t get her too soon!
Hold my beer and watch this…see you next Saturday at noon.

I FOUND THIS LYRIC HUMOROUS AND PROBABLY PRETTY ACCURATE.  I HAVE ADDED SUGGESTIONS
AND CROSSED THROUGH WORDS THAT THROW THE METER OFF.   I HAVEN’T HEARD THE SONG PERFORMED,
BUT IT’S CLEVER AND I THINK IT WILL SING BETTER WITH THESE CHANGES.  I WANT TO ENCOURAGE
THE WRITER TO READ THE LYRICS ALOUD WITHOUT MUSIC OVER AND OVER UNTIL THE WORDS FLOW
SMOOTHLY.  IF THEY DON’T, IT’S PROBABLY BEST TO REARRANGE SOME THINGS OR CUT THE FAT.  
THANK YOU FOR THE SUBMISSION.

Dallas Songwriters Association appreciates your entries.
Keep ‘em coming.  Until next time, keep writing your stories.
Alexis Tapp
DSA Lyric Judge