2022 Winter Quarterly Lyric Contest Winners

 WINTER LC 2022 WINNERS 

1ST PLACE:  WEDDING DAY by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

2ND PLACE:  CITY OF STONE by Eric Douglas, Gilbert, AZ

3RD PLACE:  SINGLE MOM by Robert Ehlert, Carrollton, Tx

                                                                  FIRST PLACE 2022                                                                                             

 

                                           “WEDDING DAY”  by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

 

                    V-1  I CAME TO BE here WITH YOU ON YOUR WEDDING DAY

                            TRY AS I MIGHT I COULDN’T STAY AWAY. Tried hard as I could, but I couldn’t stay away.

                            DON’T WORRY YOU WON’T SEE ME OR even KNOW I’M THERE here,

                            I COVERED UP MY FACE AND PUT A WIG UP ON MY HAIR    Shaved my mustache, even darkened up my hair.

 

                                 CHORUS: THE WEATHER”S PICTURE wedding day is PERFECT… SUNSHINE RAINING DOWN  

                                   BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT. Not a single cloud around.

                                   I GUESS at least in one way IN SOME WAY MY DREAM is coming HAS COME TRUE

                                   ‘Cause I’M HERE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY I’M JUST NOT the one WITH YOU

 

                     V-2 I SEE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE Remember THEY WERE my friends MINE TOO

                             I WONDER IF THEY’re THINKing I SHOULD BE THE ONE WITH YOU                                      

                             YOU LOOK LIKE just AN ANGEL SO PRETTY IN YOUR GOWN

                              I’M HERE AT THE CHURCH BUT I WON’T STAY stick AROUND 

                                        

               CHORUS: THE WEATHER”S PICTURE wedding day is PERFECT… SUNSHINE RAINING DOWN  

                                   BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES NOT A CLOUD IN SIGHT. Not a single cloud around.

                                   I GUESS at least in one way IN SOME WAY MY DREAM is coming HAS COME TRUE

                                   ‘Cause I’M HERE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY I’M JUST NOT the one WITH YOU

                 

                 V-3I   WATCH YOU It’s hard as you walk WALKING DOWN THE ISLE SMILING HOLDING HANDS

                         JUST LIKE THE WAY YOU AND I had ALWAYS PLANNED  

                          THIS ISN’T Watching it’s not ISN”T  EASY FOR ME BUT I’LL BE OK  I’m gonna make it through.

                           I’M GLAD YOU CAN’T didn’t SEE ME WHAT WORDS COULD YOU SAY  I wonder what you’d say  do.

 

                  BRIDGE:   It’s hard as you walk down the isle, smiling holding hands … just like you and I had planned.

                                    It’s hard watching you… but I;m gonna make it through,   But If you saw me, wonder what you’d do. 

                                             

                                       

                                   CHORUS

 

             Lyric Judge Note:    I love the concept, the story.

Now, having said that, you’ll notice that I’ve crossed through words and adjusted lines and added my thoughts about how those lines could flow more smoothly.  On a few, I’ve adjusted the meaning.  The only line that I 100% think should be changed is the fourth line in the first verse.  I just cannot see a guy in real life, donning a wig, and how would he ever cover up his face without drawing more attention to himself …a mask?  This isn’t a Covid song. I hope my suggestions will help you make your lyric even better.  If you’ve already mastered the song, and it’s streaming, okay.  It’s still a good song, but if there’s still an opportunity to make some changes, I’m here to support your goals:  Take some of my lyric tips; make the third verse into a bridge with a variation of the main melody; and use the title in the chorus.  I’ve  suggested that the title be in both the first and fourth lines of the chorus. It will stand a better chance of being a hit song. Thank you for your submission to DSA.  In the future, I hope to see more of your submssions to the lyric contest, and I definitely look forward to hearing your recording of Wedding Day.  I wish you the best.

 Alexis                 

2ND PLACE:

CITY OF STONE by Eric Douglas, Gilbert, AZ 

The barber shop is closed

The diner’s disappeared

The movie marquee

Hasn’t changed in a year

There’s silence on the street

A rumble of regret. ( THEN A GRUMBLE OF REGRET)

Red light turns to green

Goes right back to red. (GOES QUICKLY BACK TO RED)

CHORUS

City of stone, the memory’s frozen. (A MEMORY FROZE)

We march in time but we walk alone

I dreamed we were still together

But I woke up in the city of stone

We were looking to the future

We were walking hand in hand

But sunset came too quickly

Cast a shadow on our plans

These are not the streets

The streets we used to know

I recognize the buildings

But this is not my home

CHORUS

City of stone, the memory’s frozen

We march in time but we walk alone

I dreamed we were still together

But I woke up in the city of stone

BRIDGE

We are wandering, we have lost our way

We are strangers though we know each other’s names

We look for clues, we trace our tracks

But there’s nothing left, just ancient artifacts

NOT SURE ANCIENT IS NECESSARY HERE & HURTS THE FLOW.

CHORUS

City of stone, the memory’s frozen

We march in time but we walk alone

I dreamed we were still together

But I woke up in the city of stone

Where the memory’s gone, the promise is broken (AND THE PROMISE BROKE)

Where the wind cuts to the bone

I dreamed we sailed to heaven

But I woke up in the city of stone

JUDGE'S COMMENTS:

I ENJOYED YOUR IDEAS HERE AND WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU TO TWEAK THIS JUST A BIT MORE...PERHAPS USING A FEW NOTES I'VE MADE.  THE STORY IS RELATABLE AND FLOWS PRETTY WELL  THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUBMISSION.  I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING MORE OF YOUR WORK.  ALEXIS

3rd Place

Single Mom by Robert Ehlert, Carrollton, Tx

She’s a single mom

Facing double jeopardy

A Triple threat to fail

If her old man’s lands in jail.

You’d think she’d know by now

You might replace your 1st line with:

She’s seen it all by now.

Her type She’s face(d) some rigid rules

She Rolling with no backup plan 

This Life won’t suffer fools

And Then before you she know(s) it, 

Before you get the feel

Fate has ambused all her dreams

And life is taking you her way downhill.

Send you for It’s an ugly spill  This line doesn’t add anything to the story and seems unnecessary.

She drives the car you gave away

Shops SNAP and second-hand

Loves her kids like a Mama Bear

Does it all without a man

Some are widowed, some abused

The objects of his wrath

It’d be nice if you took Maybe we should notice 

What if you we were on this path?

And before you knew it. Check verb tenses here to make sure you’re consistent.

before you got the feel

Fate did ambush all your dreams. . . .

Life did take you way downhill

Send you for an ugly spill

And you’re a Single Mom

facing double jeopardy

A triple threat to fail

If your old man’s in jail

Bridge

Reach out, reach out

She needs more than sympathy

Help her family close the gap

Shower them with checkbook empathy

This last line seems odd to me.  Perhaps “Even offer her some money.”

Or “Maybe slip the mom some money”.

Then before you know it

before you get the feel

Fate may ambush all your dreams. . . .

Life can take you way down hill

Send you for an ugly spill

Judge’s comments:

I appreciate your point of the lyric and there’s some good work here.  I would suggest you give it some more attention…perhaps take some of my suggestions for cleaning up the story some for clarity and better flow of your lines.  I personally do not like the line, “send you for an ugly spill”.  It doesn’t live up to the rest of the lyric.  The lyric is a little too long in my opinion.  If I were you, I’d take the best lines and edit for a more get to the point story.  I would enjoy seeing this lyric entered again in with some corrections.  Thank you for your entry.  Alexis

WINNER OF THE FALL LYRIC CONTEST 2021

Winners of the 2021 Fall Lyric Contest

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Alexis Tapp for comments

1. One Eyed Ghost  by Ynana Rose & Roman Mastandrea, San Luis Obispo, CA

2. Remember Me As A Sunny Day by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

3. Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

HM Lavendar and Love by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

First Place

ONE EYED GHOST  by Ynana Rose & Roman Mastandrea, San Luis Obispo, CA

The moon is a one-eyed ghost peeking through the clouds
On a lonesome highway, westward bound
The sky fades to black as the doubt seeps in
Will you love me now like you loved me then?

CHORUS:

Was I gone too long?
Did you cry in the cold grey dawn?
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
Is it too late to say I was wrong?

The fog is a whisper of the rain
The miles take me back to where I was again
When you begged me to stay & I promised to return
Can love’s fire last with no fuel to burn?

CHORUS:

Was I gone too long?
Did you cry in the cold grey dawn?
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
Is it too late to say I was wrong?

BRIDGE:
I feel the shame of regret
And the weight of the words I should have said

Our little blue house just the same as before
The naked porch light, the old screen door
In the kitchen window, you shining like a star
Holding a new love in your arms

CHORUS:

I was gone too long
While you cried in the cold grey dawn
With you I belong
Wish I’d never gone away
It’s too late to say I was wrong

Wish I’d never gone away
It’s too late to say I was wrong
The moon is a one-eyed ghost peeking through the clouds

Judge’s Comments:  I have only one issue with your lyric: your title isn’t your hook line.  

The hook is “Was I Gone Too Long”? which might be an appropriate title.  

You might even repeat the line “Was I gone too long?” as a last line on the chorus.  

Good job.  Thank you for your submission.  I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Second Place

REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY by Bill Kapac, West Wildwood, NJ

         V-1  RAIN DROPS STING LIKE FROZEN BULLETS WIND TARGETS MY FACE 

                 BUT I FEEL ONLY MY BROKEN HEART YOU LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE

                 OF COURSE IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T STAY

                 YOU’RE WITH YOUR NEW LOVER NOW MY TIME TO FADE AWAY

             V-2  AT LEAST I TASTED LOVE AND SURE I WANTED MORE 

                     BUT I’LL KEEP THAT FEELING I’VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD BEFORE

                     AND IF YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN YOU WOULD BE WITH ME

                     I’D LIKE TO SAY I’M HAPPY THOUGH MY HEART WOULD DISAGREE

       CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                 YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST

                AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                 I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

        V-3  AND AS I TAKE TO LOOKING BACK SOMETHING I TRY NOT TO DO

                 ALL MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS BRING ME BACK TO YOU

                 TIME CHANGES LOTS OF THINGS BUT SOME STAY STANDING STILL

                 AND LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU I SUPOSE THEY ALWAYS WILL

  BRIDGE:  I’LL GO ON AND SPEND MY TIME WITH THOUGHTS FOREVER MINE

                    AND CARRY ON MY BACK THINGS I CANNOT LEAVE BEHIND 

       CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                 YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST

                AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                 I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

          Judges Note:

          V-1  RAIN DROPS STING LIKE FROZEN BULLETS WIND TARGETS MY FACE. 

          This line seems strained and doesn’t add to an otherwise pretty good lyric.  Perhaps try something like:

                ” I can still feel your warmth where you last kissed my face.”

                 BUT now I have a BROKEN HEART ‘cause YOU LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE

                 OF COURSE IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T STAY

                 Now you’re with a new lover, It’s MY TIME TO FADE AWAY

             V-2  AT LEAST I TASTED your LOVE AND SURE I WANTED MORE 

                     BUT I’LL KEEP THAT FEELING always I’VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD BEFORE

                     AND IF YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN YOU’D’ve BEen WITH ME

                     I’D LIKE TO SAY I’M HAPPY THOUGH MY HEART WOULD DISAGREE

           CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                    YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT FAST

                    AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                    I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

            V-3  AND AS When I TAKE TO LOOKING BACK which I TRY NOT TO DO

                    ALL MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS BRING ME right BACK TO YOU

                   TIME CHANGES LOTS OF THINGS BUT SOME STAY leaves others STANDING STILL

                   AND LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU I SUPOSE THEY  ALWAYS WILL

  BRIDGE:  I’LL GO ON AND SPENDing MY TIME WITH THOUGHTS FOREVER MINE

                    AND CARRY ON MY BACK THINGS I CANNOT LEAVE BEHIND 

Bridge:  “Every thought of you is forever mine.

There’s just too much I can’t leave behind!”  

(This would change the cadence for the bridge and has more punch.)

          CH:  REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY A BRIGHT LIGHT FROM YOUR PAST

                   YOU LIT UP MY LIFE BUT HOT FIRES BURN OUT too FAST

                   AND IF SOME DAY YOU SLIP AWAY TO WHERE FATE AND MEMORIES STAY

                   I HOPE YOU’LL SEE AND REMEMBER ME AS A SUNNY DAY

         I think it would be effective is you said, “your sunny day” or “one sunny day”, but that’s not a big thing.  

Third Place

             Nothing Aches as Hard (as a Broken Country Heart) by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

It’s been so long since I wrote a country song
Now that you’re gone, I feel one coming on strong
Our love died so young and now I’m so old
I’m so afraid to come in from try something else like “this broken love has left me cold”

Chorus: Nothing aches as hard 
As a broken country heart 
Nothing aches as hard       Nothing aches as bad      OR  Nothing’s quite as sad
As a broken country heart  As a song that makes you sad               As a love gone bad.

Nothing aches as hard 
As a broken country heart  

We were together.  Now we’re apart.  Nothing aches as hard as a broken country heart.

Chug-a-lugging hope from a brown paper bag
Trying to figure out, should I zig, or should I zag
My sunken eyes sparkle when Pigeons coo to me  

                            ‘sunken eyes’ doesn’t add to the story. Maybe ‘sad eyes’.

I shower them with peanuts, they seem hear my plea

Chorus

But long ago
When you wore your sundress
We went with the flow
Your hair fell in a beautiful mess 

Honorable Mention

        Lavendar and Lace by Robert Divoli, Lincoln, MA

I can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out so many years ago

I still remember your lavender and love

Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

 

I love the foreplay of gentle twilight

As it hurtles into pitch-black cravings of the night

Ya can’t enjoy today if you live for tomorrow

Don’t let voices in your head stalk you with your own shadow

 

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

Saddle up your sorrow, ride into the light

Let me spin your world, summon the sun for you

Life is just my day job, not my heart’s desire

I could spend my lifetime chasing after your sweet dreams

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

I can’t explain why I still feel the flame

Even though it burned out so many years ago  

I still remember your lavender and love  

Long before you left me for the dark side of your soul

I found a river that flows in three-four time

Let’s dance on the river, live in the sublime

I suggest you work on your end of line rhymes in your second and third verses.  And you changed rhyme patterns in the different verses.

 I really enjoyed your chorus.  

It is helpful when pitching your lyric, that you label the parts of your lyric as verse, chorus, and bridge.